Playdates how would you feel about this moms reaction

[mesley]

Hi
My ds has a best mate at school who very often comes to our house he comes after school, in the holidays, and I take him and ds out to soft play etc after school.
I have even dropped them both off at holiday clubs and have helped the lads mom out in picking up her ds from school when she cannopt make it.
I have also fed her ds loads of times.
Now ds enjoys having this lad to play and I am happy for him to come.
The problem is that she never invites ds to play at hers and ds is also picking up on this now and can at times get upset by it.
The other day I dropped her ds off after a playdate and me and ds went in for a chat as we was leaving I heard her ds pleading for my ds to come to theirs and I heard her say I am too tired and when her ds persisted in asking she really snapped angrily a big firm no.
I know not everyone wants to go through the hassle of playdates but hearing her snap like that after everything that I do just felt hurtful to me.
Do you think I am been silly to feel annoyed
She also has never offered money although part of me says that its my choice to take them to softplay buy their tea there but in all honesty I would just be happy if she could show a little gratitude by letting ds go to hers even if it is just once a month.
How would you feel about this woman.

It seems a bit one-sided tbh. I can see why you aren't happy about it. Perhaps see if your DS can play at someone else's house for a while, does he have any other friends he gets on well with? Maybe just create a bit space and see what this mum does. She seems very selfish, for whatever reason.

agree with lovechoc. But I wouldn't stop the playdates as the boys obviously are fond of each other. Perhaps say to the woman that, although you have turned down the money in the past, you will take it now as you now realise that there will be no return invites, but be sure to express that you do wish to continue as the boys are fond of each other.

I think in those circs, I'd be glad to know that your ds's friend does want to have him over to play (so you know the friendship is mutual). I'd be hurt at his mum's reaction, but try and accept that some parents just do not do playdates and find it very stressful. You may just need to accept that and explain to your ds that that's the way it is. Perhaps rein back on the trips out, if the cost is irritating you.

It is all one-sided lovechoc and up until now I have put up with it because ds likes having him to play.
It was hearing her snap the way she did that made me suddenly think what a selfish woman you are.
He has one or two other mates at school and at the moment he is having one of them back to play as well and he has invites back from them.

could she have felt put on the spot by her son?
I can understand how you feel though.

Don't be hurt by your ds not being invited back. Perhaps she genuinely couldn't cope or has other reasons that she'd rather not discuss. If the boys get along then there's no point stopping them meeting up but I'd draw the line at paying out for soft play etc unless you think it benefits your ds and you think it would be worth the expense.

Her house could be a tip and she is embarrased

She could be on a v strict budget and not able to accomodate another mouth to feed

She may be weird about having people in her house

sherby has a good point, or rather, all three points could be possible here.

I wouldn't pay for other people's children but that's just me, just as I wouldn't expect others to pay for my DC either. Unless it was spoken of openly that it was agreed on each side to pay for playdates, lunches etc. That's different if both parties are in agreement.

I'd keep my distance if I were in your shoes and just explain to your son the reasons for this. Try not to focus on the negative though and get him involved playing at other children's houses too.

Make sure he has plenty other options open to him

Thanks for your suggestions I suppose if I want him to carry on with this friendship then I have to put up with this.
I do it for my ds really he is an only and I think its nice for him to have this freind.
I have tried to encourage other friendships at school by inviting others this has led to a regular playdate back and forth with another lad in his class.
I know I should probably cut the softplay right down but my ds really enjoys it.
As I said it was the way she snapped at her ds that got me thinking like this.
She sounded vile.
I honeslty don,t think its anything to do with her house.
If I am honest she does seem to get stressed easily so maybe she can,t cope with playdates.
I sometimes find them difficult if I am honest but I do them for ds.

How old are the boys?

Does she have other children?
Does she work outside the home?
Does money seem to be an issue (know you can't always tell, but wondered if that is why she doesn't offer to contribute)?

I wouldn't stop the playdates - you can't blame the kid for his mother. Poor thing probably doesn't have many alternative playdates. Maybe just explain to your son that this other woman doesn't do playdates but that won't stop you inviting the kid round.

When I was small one of my best friends was never allowed to stay for tea at our house (often came to play), and I was never once invited to her house. Ever. Roll on 30 odd years and I know now that she was never allowed as her parents literally couldn't afford to reciprocate, father extremely controlling verging on abusive.

You don't know what's going on in this woman's life. If you choose to have this little boy over to play, your ds has fun, you should do it without expectation.

The boys are both aged 8 and she does have another dc a girl aged 6.
She works three days a week.
I am not sure about the money side of things she does have another daughter who is grown up now but she recently splashed out hundreds on this one dd's 21st.
There is no father in the home they split up years ago.
Maybe I am being harsh with my feelings.

Sorry mesley I think I was being a bit harsh to you there.

There really truly could be anything going on in her life or her home or her head that means she just can't deal with playdates at the moment.

Or maybe not.

I suppose what I would do in this situation is just do what I was happy with doing - having the kid to play or whatever. If I felt I was being taken advantage of that's where I would draw the line. I don't think you can expect it to turn into a reciprocal regular thing.

It's a tricky one because there could be a genuine reason why she is not able to. Maybe she snapped because she felt put on the spot.
Maybe cool the playdates a bit and see if she then offers something? Maybe you are offering invitations so regularly she doesn't get chance to sort something out?

I would worry she didn't like my son or me if that was the case.

mesley, do you think it could come down to the fact that if she invites your ds, she has 3 kids in the house - too much noise or mess than she can cope with?

Or have a chat with her and see if she's more forthcoming?

Perhaps mention that DS and friend were talking to you about DS playing at friend's house - and you didn't know how to respond to them, as you are aware that she is busy and playdates are not something she usually does. Ask her what you should say next time the subject comes up?

It'll push her into a corner a bit - but at least she will know that you have noticed the one-sided nature of the relationship and if she says that she has no intention of doing playdates in future, you will be able to make your own choices about the amount of time you spend helping her out.

That could quite easily be the case uriel.
Its not that I expect a regular at my house then at hers arrangement.
I don,t expect that at all but I think bearing in mind what I have done even if for the sake of ds she could give the very occasional invite.
I thought the way she snapped was dreadful but I do think she snapped because her ds was putting pressure on her and making it awkward for her.
Her ds has asked for my ds to go before and I have noticed that she avoids the question and I get the feeling that she wants to say no but obivously can,t because I am there. she seems to just talk in a low voice to him and then swiftly tries to move the conversation onto something else.

I've changed for this.

My step dad was a violent alcoholic. Having freinds to play was simply not an option. Being invited for playdates or better sleepovers was magic to me and I still remember those playdates to this day as great experiences and a break from home. My mum couldn't reciprocate and it used to upset me and now I know how much it upset her too.

I remember asking my mum if I could have some friends round and getting a very snappy response. I know now she was scared of what may happen.

Don't underestimate the value of visits even if they can't reciprocate , you never know whats going on at a childs home.

It would be annoying and maybe abit mean of her (from your point of view) but I think people offering playdates should not expect them to be returned, they are very stressful for some people. I do them but prefer occasional rather than every week etc. Some people mither almost daily and it really annoys me especially as they expect me to do it back weekly even though i have 5 kids inc a baby. I know people who won't do them because they are ashamed of their houses and things like that, there could be more to it.