My friends are telling me I need to butt out and let ds fight his own battles.

[MaMight]

Dd is 3 and a half.
Ds is 18 months.

The pattern goes...

Ds picks up a toy.
Dd snatches it from him.
Ds wails in anguish.
I tell dd not to snatch and encourage her to swap / share / take turns.
Repeat from dawn 'til dusk and beyond.

It is doing my head in a bit because dd is utterly relentless in not wanting ds to have anything , but at the same time ds is becomming a bit of a wailer and now howls at the slightest injustice, expecting me to defend his honour.

If I don't intervene, ds just doesn't fight back. He wails and gnashes for a bit and then trundles on to the next thing. I don't particularly want to actively encourage him to fight back. Or do I? I'm not sure. He's a very gentle boy and I suppose he must stand up for himself.

At the same time I feel dd must also be told that snatching / hitting / throwing isn't on.

MaMight not sure I have the answer you are looking for. I have the opposite situation: DD1 4 is gentle, shares everything and wailes/cries when DD1 snatched, hits (not anymore thanks to Time Out) or screams in her face.

I tend to discipline DD2 and tell her not to while remind DD1 that one cries for bigger things not all the times and she should 'toughen uo' a bit (not using such words obviously). It is easier for me as 4 yo can understand not to winge so much, although I repeat it over and over.

I would def keep hammering it to your DD to share and that it is not a nice behaviour. I'd also use some for of unishment: take the toy away, time out, no tv etc. I'd also show her some consequence to her actions. Maybe get some toys for DS and don't let her use them till she understand that she has to let him use his. So that she know how it feels. I'd also leave him to it a little bit. However it is much due to the way they are. DD1 will call me for anything and when would cry at about anything. If she has toughen up a bit is by watching DD2 who never ever cries if she can avoid it and her second name is Terminator.

if your dd feels that you are intervening in her brother's favour she's more likely to carry on snatching or vent by finding other ways of getting attention.

agree with previous poster - intervene to correct the snatching behaviour rather than to give ds the toy.

I am not quite sure how an 18 month old is supposed to 'fight their own battles', he is still a baby.

When my two were little if dd1 wanted what dd2 had she had to 'swap' with her. She looked around for something else that dd2 might like and handed it to her and then dd2 would normally hand what she had to dd1. I hope that makes sense. At 3.6 I think that your dd is still young and still in the process of learning to share.

"fight his own battles" he is 18m of course he can't do that. Just trust your instincts and intervene gently but firmly.

I employed the same tactics as Elk - DD (4 years younger) would grab something of DS's - I encouraged DS to find something else (ideally of DD's) and offer to swap. As DD got older we extended this - if DD took something of DS's and wouldn't give it back, we would get some precious belonging of hers and "give" it to DS - at which point she would want to swap.

Not sure how well that works when it is the older DC who is the more assertive, though - like DemonB, it was my younger one who needed to be 'curbed' and the older who needed to 'toughen up'.

It is not about your Ds fighting his own battles and more about trying to teach your DD appropriate behaviour (in fact try saying that to your friends in your best smug parenting tone )

Sounds like you are doing a good, if tiring, job of sorting it out.

Oh believe you me my 18m old can fight her battles and her sister's one too. There's nothing soft in her. But agree it is very hard to teach them to. I haven't worked out how to teach my older one yet!

Oh and yes we adopted the same techinque of 'swap the toy'.