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Parenting

Any personality transplant suggestions?

28 replies

bondgirl · 27/05/2003 15:47

I am currently finding the whole mum thing rather too much. I am very impatient, ratty and vile with my children and fly off thehandle for no reason. I have just spent the weekend with a paragon of a mother who seems to be truly selfless, coping with all the incessant demands of her 4 children with grace and humour, whereas my two send me up the wall. I work part-time, which is my salvation, and I do ADORE my children, but I find the day to day SO hard and wearing, and I find myself counting the hours till my partner comes home, or till I can palm off the girls onto someone else (not very possible as we live miles away from all family).
WE have recently moved to a new area and I am aware that this is making us all more than usually tired and stressed. BUt I am very aware that each bad day goes toward the whole of their experience. Anyone have any ideas for a personality transplant?!!!!

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M2T · 27/05/2003 15:48

You are only human Bondgirl! Love the name...BTW.

How old are your children?

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codswallop · 27/05/2003 16:00

are you trying to do too much? Give us an idea of am average day - activities housework trips foodetc

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SoupDragon · 27/05/2003 16:07

It all sounds pretty normal to me. There are always those Perfect Mothers who make you feel inadequate without even trying. I have a friend who seems to be a PM and it's only because she's a good friend and I get to hear her whinge regularly that I know it's not all as perfect as it seems. Chances are that the PM you spent the weekend with is ratty with her children when you're not there to see.

No magic solutions though, I'm afraid. I despair of being a PM. On a positive note, I don't remember my mother being stressed, ratty or vile with me and my 2 older brothers when we were little and I KNOW she must have been - there's no way she could have remained calm with some of the things we got up to! Your children will, no doubt, only remember the good times. I don't remember very many rainy days in our summer holidays for example and there were certainly plenty of them.

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aloha · 27/05/2003 16:36

I also wonder if you are trying to do too much. I have a cleaner once a week for 21/2 hours and it is my salvation. I just don't do any other housework except washing clothes, tidying toys after ds has gone to bed and the odd half-hearted wipedown of surfaces - it's a bit of tip! I have a video that ds LOVES (Fun Song Factory) that guarantees enough time to loaf about reading the paper and I don't consider that I have to entertain him every second of the day. We have a very nice time. How old are they? Can they have friends round? I find this an excellent way of making them happy while I have a lovely cup of tea/glass of wine.

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aloha · 27/05/2003 16:37

When did you last do something for YOU? eg manicure, trip out with girlfriends/dh? YOu do need to recharge, IMO.

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scoobysnax · 27/05/2003 18:05

Is working full time a possible solution?

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codswallop · 27/05/2003 18:35

might that just avoid the problem?

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scoobysnax · 27/05/2003 18:43

I think its about finding what is the right balance for you between spending time with the children and spending time away from them.
It's different for different people.
Paragon mother either isn't really as paragonish as she seems or else is not so great in a different part of her life...
Appearances are very deceptive

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bondgirl · 27/05/2003 18:53

Hurrah for your responses, thank you.
I DO have a cleaner and I'm not particularly worried about the house. Actually that's an understatement. The house is a pit, and that's fine by me. I think part of the problem is that we are new here. We are integrating SLOWLY but it's taking much longer than we thought. The kids are finding new friends, but it's taking ME longer than I thought. The kids are 4 and 2. I don't want to work full-time - I do actually love being with them, it's just I'm not very good at it. and it's not a possibility financially. I just find the endless negociations/toleration of incessant whingeing/two small people wiping snot on my tops and clinging to my skirts all a bit overwhelming. And I now live in an irony free zone where everyone seems to bake their own nappies. (Or so it seems: I KNOW it's not really like that.) but other intolerant, snappy, short-fused mumsnetters out there, please tell me your hot tips for not ratting on your kids all the time!

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sobernow · 27/05/2003 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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codswallop · 27/05/2003 19:22

get out! Looking back I found moving house and giving up a pt job hard and it manifsted itself in me yelling a lot..
Go to play groups - even if no one talks to you - let your kids trash their toys - go on day trips go to soft play. You wiul soon meet every mother of under 5s in the world.

where are you?

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Tinker · 27/05/2003 20:10

As another snappy, intolerant short-fused mother, can only endorse the comments to get out of the house to anywhere. If only because you have to be on better behaviour in public. Plus it tires them out.

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codswallop · 27/05/2003 20:33

and your hpouse remains spotless!

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WideWebWitch · 27/05/2003 21:39

bondgirl, agree completely with everyone who said to head for the wide open spaces when your kids are a nightmare and it's all getting too much. They just don't seem as loud when they're in the middle of a park or a beach and Tinker's right - you also have to be on better behaviour in public! I bet paragon mum isn't as saintly as you think, she probably does shout/have bad days - she just didn't do it in front of you. I know what you mean about moving, I'm still not sure I feel at home, 3 years after moving to a new place, it's hard meeting people you really get on with isn't it? So sympathy all round really. And welcome to Slutz R Us (Dahlia's expression, I think) - my house is also a pit. Although Tinker professes to be a bit crap on that front too (feel sure she won't mind me saying that).

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bondgirl · 28/05/2003 08:34

cheers everyone. codswallop I have just moved to a secret location somewhere outside bristol. From Deepest Hackney. So it's definitely partly to do with that. I am as it happens welded to my car. It's true that heading for the hills is good, very very good - although not very possible in term-time, with all the pushy parent activities I have foisted onto my children in the hope that they and I will meet people. In fact in the holidays I am rarely in, and am spending vast amounts of money on coffee and chips in cafes.
I've read such heartbreaking/life affirming stories on this website, and feel like a bit of a spoilt brat/fraud whingeing on about my two very lovely, healthy children like this but very nice to be told it's all ok! Here's a thing.Nasty mothers, do star charts work for emotional things like moaning? as both of mine are at international standard. Has anyone tried? Or should I start another thread.

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codswallop · 28/05/2003 08:38

I tell mine that I ma not talking an=but whatever it is any more and that seems to work (sometimes)
Theres a Sw Mumsnetters meet up..

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codswallop · 28/05/2003 08:38

about it I meant. Worlds worst typer

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WideWebWitch · 28/05/2003 09:19

Bondgirl, yes, star charts do work for whingeing IME in an "oooh, if you carry on whingeing then I don't think I'll be able to give you the being-good-all-afternoon star" way. With us it depends on what the bribe is, what mood ds is in, how firm I'm prepared to be etc. Our charts (made by dp at work) usually have the potential to earn him (ds, not dp!) 3 stars a day: 1 for getting dressed and going to school with no fuss, 1 for being good from 3.30pm - bedtime and 1 for going to bed and not coming into us in the middle of the night. We don't use it all the time, just when his behaviour is deteriorating and we think he needs extra incentives. He usually has to get a week or two weeks stars to get the prize at the end, which will be a beyblade or something. We might be moving to Bristol soon, I really hope we don't end up in the same irony free zone, eek!

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aloha · 28/05/2003 09:23

What would happen if you stopped negotiating everything for them? When I looked after kids this age I would often just stand back and let them get on with it - not bite and hit each other obviously (!) but let them sort out their own disputes (yes, I do know it's easier with other people's kids). It's amazing how often they can sort stuff out. I often found little kids didn't mind being bossed, having toys taken away as much as you think they will - if that's the sort of thing you find yourself sorting out all the time. Someone else on this site said that asking other mums if they'd like to come round for a glass of wine in the garden was a good litmus test - if they looked horrified this wasn't a good omen, if they leapt at the suggestion, then you'd probably get on! If your kids have friends, maybe they could come round for tea with the least lentilly of the mums. Do you have London friends with kids who would leap at the chance of a day/weekend in the country? (I certainly would!!) Then you get a bit of adult company and the kids can go out and terrorise the wildlife. Failing that, put on a video and go and hide somewhere in the house with a magazine.

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Enid · 28/05/2003 09:32

Bondgirl, as someone who moved to deepest Dorset from West London four years ago I sympathise.

Things will get better I promise. Don't try to do too much with the kids, you will gradually meet people naturally. If its any consolation it took me a couple of years to even begin to feel at home here.

Try to relax. Hot baths, a relaxation tape, lavender oil, lots of wine, you know, the usual. Find something in your area that you love and that you couldn't possibly have done in London.

Good luck!

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Jimjams · 28/05/2003 10:42

I LOVE that wine test aloha!!

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Frenchgirl · 28/05/2003 10:47

Bondgirl, if you're just outside Bristol, how about coming along to mumsnetter meet-up at Cribbs causeway in June?

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Frenchgirl · 28/05/2003 10:51

have a look at the following thread: 'Relationships: any mumsnetters in the southwest?', and you'll see we're trying to meet up on Friday 20th June at 10.30am at the John Lewis restaurant. I'm new to mumsnet but I think this might be the first southwest meeting. Please come along!!!! Then we can discuss how ratty I can be

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mmm · 28/05/2003 12:52

Have you got a pet you can take for walks? Do you go to the playground after school when the other parents will be there too? I know what you mean about spending time with your kids. Mine's on holiday this week and I'm going bonkers !( and I bet that paragon mum is horrible too but not in front of you. ) It is hard to sttle in somewhereWe moved 6 months ago, I just talk to anyone who looks likely (in the supermarket on the street etc).Try the NCT for meetings in your area. You'll survive good luck.

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bondgirl · 28/05/2003 16:03

cheers frenchmum - are you in fact french or is it a cunning trick to bamboozle people - i'd love to come to a SW meeting but we are on holiday, escaping from the irony-free zone. Let me know when the next one is.WWW where are you moving to or don't you know. I might be able to deter you from a few places. (insert smiley here, I don't know how to do it.) Thank you for your tips on over-lentilly mums. Actually I am probably the most lentilly mum. You can be lentilly and still pass the wine in the garden test (nice one aloha.). Unfortunately I think you can also be partial to a tipple, particularly in these parts, and still lack irony. We have just come back from Wxxxx Sxxxx Mxxx, a little-known, exclusive seaside resort in the West,where I excelled myself in rattiness. so much for getting out! But I did have a revelation which is about my expectations of the kids, which goes something like, I expect WAY too much of them sometimes. God it is FANTASTIC to be able to discuss this in this way. Thank you all.

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