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Parenting

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Original poster

Are mothers entitled to 'time to themselves'? Or is it just blatantly selfish?

42 replies

Pinkjenny · 16/10/2009 11:06

I have a 2.5yo dd, who is the light of my life (goes without saying), and am 29 weeks pg with ds. I am craving some time to myself, just to sit, read, watch TV, maybe have a bath. On my own. I wouldn't describe dd as clingy necessarily, but she is the type of child who follows me around the house.

I work 4 days a week, which involves a 2 hour daily commute. To be blunt, I am absolutely knackered. Dd has slept through three times in her life, and I have spent four nights in total away from her. She has co-slept with me and dh since she was 4mo, more by accident than choice.

But every time I mention that I might ask dh to take her to his parents for a weekend, my mum shoots me a dirty look or makes a comment along the lines of, "She'll be crying for you", which obviously makes me feel guilty and thus it has never happened.

I definitely take too much notice of my mum, but I do know that when I was dd's age, I spent every Friday and Saturday night with my grandparents. My mum will deny this now, but my dad has assured me this was the case.

So, am I being completely selfish and neglectful? Do I have a right to some time to myself?

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LadyoftheBathtub · 16/10/2009 12:23

You need to address those things by changing your response - so ignore your mum, and give your DH some more responsibility by leaving him alone with DD.

But in the meantime, book that day off work and then you can have a day of me time without involving either of them.

ShowOfHands · 16/10/2009 12:56

Bugger clarity, what are you going to do about it?

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 16/10/2009 13:03

Now you sound like dh!

LadyoftheBathtub's plan sounds great. OK, firstly, I am going shopping tomorrow. On. My. Own.

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fluffles · 16/10/2009 13:14

you just need to convince yourself that by going out by yourself to a coffee shop you are doing your bit for DH's confidence with DD and hers with her fathers

it's true (but also win/win for you)!!

LadyoftheBathtub · 16/10/2009 13:39

That is so true - yes she may cry a bit at first (probably a lot less when you're out of the picture, I bet) but it really is good for DD to spend time with her dad, and also you should be getting her used to this for when the baby arrives.

We find my DS is a different person when alone with DP because DP just has a different style and a bit more detachment. DS is clingy with me, much more grown-up with daddy.

Plus I also think you can feel better about ignoring your mum if you see that she may be simply projecting. She may well feel bad about the way she regularly dumped you as a small child and be jealous of your close relationship with DD. So she conveniently suppresses it and makes out that all mothers must always be there for their DC, thereby shifting the guilt onto you. She may not even realise she's doing it but she's definitely not making much sense.

hettie · 16/10/2009 14:05

it's just possible your mum has "ishoos"/guilt about the timees she left you (she shouldn't have btw). That's her problem..... but my advice is go go go , it's essential (really- and I mean that as a professioanl, there that was my stern voice). It will be good for you dh's relship with dd, for your rlship with dd and for yours and dh's rlship

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 16/10/2009 14:10

Lady - that is true for us also. Dd does not tantrum anywhere near as much with dh as she does with me. But I have to be out of the house for that to happen, or she comes crying to me if he so much as changes his tone.

I completely agree that we should be starting this now, before ds arrives.

I think the thing with my mum is although we have a very close claustrophobic relationship, we are often not entirely honest. I just want her to say, "I left you with nan and grandad so I could have some time to myself", which is how my dad remembers it. The dirty looks and comments from her do get me down, and make me feel as if I am somehow trying to get rid of dd, by merely wanting a few hours to myself.

OP posts:

ArghhhhmazingBouncingSpider · 16/10/2009 14:12

I remember once getting a mouthful of abuse off a customer because during a conversation I mentioned that I still sent my DS to the childminder even if I didnt have work that day (in a contract would still have to pay CM) The customer thought this was outrageous and that I should be spending my free time with DS.
Sod that.
I treasure the days when my work rota doesnt add up with CM one I get to put my feet up and relax for once in a while and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to either.
Tell your mother in the nicest possible way to hush up. Get your DH to take your DD to his parents and run that bath, you deserve it!

busybutterfly · 17/10/2009 15:39

Hasn't your mum ever offered to have DC?

thesecondcoming · 17/10/2009 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharpyharpy · 18/10/2009 08:52

Not a criticism but when your Hubby brings your daughter to you you need to look him in the eye and say '' I'm sure you can cope can't you '' It quite easy to disenfranchise men from their child raising ability ? ( very easy as they a very willing to surrender it lol )

And re your Mum ? I think the need for truth of your childhood is separate from your need to parent your way to your needs not her expectations and you need to see them as apart. She may never admit what really happened, but I honestly think thats her problem not yours, and your getting too latched on to it, as trying to change anyone's ''inner history'' is always futile.

You need time to yourself you obviously know that ? so go to it girl!

Tryharder · 18/10/2009 13:43

at thesecondcoming

Effjay · 18/10/2009 13:55

I often think that mums/older generation look at their time spent with young children (the under 5s) with rose-tinted glasses and have forgotten how bloody hard it is at times. I also have two kids and work four days a week and crave time to myself. You are not selfish, you need the time to keep your sanity, and you'll be a better mother for it, I'm sure (that's how I feel).

mathanxiety · 18/10/2009 19:32

I would seriously consider getting DD to sleep on her own in a big girl bed before the next baby comes along too. Please use the time before the baby arrives to teach everyone in your life how to treat you respectfully, or things will get ugly after there are four of you.

Romanarama · 18/10/2009 19:50

btw, when you're drying your hair, shut and lock the bathroom door! I always do, and ignore the shouting from the other side. Dh is, after all, also an adult and a parent.

CeeUnit · 18/10/2009 19:50

I think that mums have to be a bit selfish sometimes it's so easy for your needs to be forgotten about.

I completely agree that your DH needs to step up to the plate a bit, you con't have them both clinging to you one baby arrives!

I am SAHM and find that I do my job so much better after a night out/nice lunch/shopping trip, so actually come to think of it you are doing it for your kiddies - so selfless! Get them packed and wave them off

CeeUnit · 18/10/2009 19:51

can't

once

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