I have a ten week old baby girl and her father doesn't know she exists. We met last last year and had a six month relationship, which ended after I had an early miscarriage - he said some hurtful things and I didn't want him to be part of my life anymore. I had a rebound fling with someone else and then found out I was pregnant again at Christmas. I didnt tell my ex or the fling as I wasn't sure who the father was. Just before my baby was born I found out that the fling had had a vasectomy and couldnt be her father.
However, I can't bring myself to tell my ex he has a daughter. I know he would desperately love children and would be thrilled but he has a history of bad behaviour (spells in prison, irrational behaviour etc) and I'm nervous I'll be opening myself and my little girl up to a future of potential misery.
He is middle eastern and would want to bring her up as muslim. I have a christian background and I want her to be brought up christian. He would also want to take her back to his home country to meet his family. His country isn't part of the Hague convention and is strictly muslim - if he decided not to bring her back his government would support him and our government would be powerless. In his country the father takes priority over the mother. He spent time living here on a fake passport so I know he would be able to buy her a fake passport if he ever decided to. He has no children but I have just found out he has recently got married in a marriage of convenience. When I first met him he said he was european and lied extensively to keep this up it wasn't until later he told me the truth and it affected our relationship. I know this sounds paranoid but what if we argue in the future over religion or new partners, he could just snatch her and run. I'm scared of her going to his home country even for a visit.
On the other hand he's her biological father and she's going to want answers when she's older. I'm very fair and she's quite dark - there's always going to be a question mark about where she comes from. I'm living with my parents and they are very loving and delighted to help bring her up so she's not missing out but am I denying her her right to a father regardless of the difficulty it might bring us? Once I tell him I can't go back he'll be in our lives forever. Should I tell him at all, tell him now, tell him in a few years, tell him when she's old enough to know if she's being snatched away?
Has anyone got any similar experiences or been brought up without knowing their father?
I really don't know what to do for the best. Everybody says not to say anything to him as life will be difficult but I can't stop thinking that she has a father who would love to know that she existed. Despite his deception and background he is not all bad. He would love to be a father. Am I being selfish?