Smug mothers - do you know what I mean?

[catriona1]

I have a group of 6 friends (we meet once a week through a local NCT group) and now all have 3 year olds and some have babies again and some at primary school. I have to say I have nothing in common with them other than the fact that our toddlers are the same age and feel apart from this I have nothing really to talk to them about. I am the only one that works (part-time) whilst they are all SAHMs which to me personally sounds dull and all they have to think about is when to go to Sainsburies and what outfits from Next to buy for their kids.

I feel over-critical and don't regard them as close friends at all but feel like asking them if they have anything else going on in their perfect lives with perfect houses and children and husbands. Me, I am trying to keep an even keel in a rocky r-ship and not much money with few other good friends with children.

Does anyone else know this stereo-type or am I barking up the wrong tree and ignore my underlying opinions???

Actually, Catriona1 doesn't say anything at all about her friends implying that they're "better" than she is. She just says that she thinks they're boring, dull, and she thinks that they have nothing else other than children in their lives. She hasn't said anything about their attitude to her and her chosen method of childcare, or that she has been criticised for putting her child into nursery.

The person who is being critical is Catriona, who seems to think that she is the only person struggling in her relationship and short of money.

and assumes she is not dull

have they said anything offensive Catriona? I am probably making assumptions based on my own experience of some SAHMS. I do feel though, that when you have children you do make friends with people that you wouldn't normally hang around with. I've made some good friends at the school gates and at kids birthday parties. It's been good and healthy for me personally. Do you still see people from your pre-children life?

I think Catriona's problem is that she is hanging around with other people when all she has in common with them is that they are all mothers. I am not an SAHM but I confess that she would find me dull because even in work I talk about my children all the time. ( And I would so love to be an SAHM, but don't have the finances sorted to do it There are a lot of women in my neighbourhood who stay at home and can also afford to join expensive gyms, get a cleaner and a nanny, get landscape gardeners in, clothe their children in Tommy hilfiger while I can do none of the above working 4 days a week. But I am rather than

Hope I havn't offended anyone

Grin & bear it for the shared experiences, or quietly slope off & be terribly terribly busy next few meetings? Don't see what the fuss is about tbh...

its a bit of a desperate housewives situation. you won't know anything is wrong until one of them stabs the other then ends up in "the priory" in recovery from a breakdown.

If they are not really friends maybe find another toddler group or gym club. I struggled to find anywhere to fit in at first. Now my daughter is at dancing I look forward to my 2hrs in the cafe each week its a good mix of SAHM and part-time/ full-time workers, singles, married and trying to be single agains.

We have already had a night out and are planning a second. I'm really glad I made the effort to join the conversations at first, it seemed so much easier to hid at an other table with a mag. I have few freinds as I moved areas twice so I really need this.

P.S. I work part time or I would go insane. Well actually 3 jobs and a business.

custy, you hit the nail on the head. ive seen one of my group go through clinical depression and another closely follow suit. It has all been about the dynamics of a group of women thrown together by child birth thinking they should all rub along nicely.

fee77: I'm not a smug mummy....Have never claimed to be a good mother, a good driver, "good" at much of anything really...

You still around, Catriona?

Maybe those other mums think you're smug because you have a career, a life away from home & children, and a job that pays enough to cover your childcare costs and more.

Catriona

I think what has happened is that a group of people who have babies at the same time cling together like crazy at first because they all have this huge new experience and sharing it can be really helpful. But as the kids grow up, it because clearer in many cases that that is all they have in common.

People do start splitting away at this point. But what you do still have together is a back-history of 3 years and you may want to keep some of that going. Suppose for example you have problems settling your child at pre-school? Suppose you or your child was really ill? You may want to talk to one of these longer-term friends about it.

If you will naturally be splitting up in September, I'd say just take it a bit more slowly now - take the odd Friday off for yourself (is that your only day off work?), maybe see other people, do something different with your child. But I wouldn't cut them off completely because they will come out of the current stage at some point: perhaps you are just coming out of it earlier than them because you have other things in your life that force you to. And as mothers we often need friends who are a dependable 'catcher' for our kids rather than bosom buddies for us (nice if you can get a both).

An alternative would be to open up a bit more about some of your worries to the group: you may end up with a group of people who can really support each other rather than just spend time with each other. I'll bet that at least some of them have worries too - but there is often a strong level of 'let's pretend it's perfection' in these groups as a kind of self-defence. But it may be a bit of a risk unless you really trust them.

I am a SAHM and though I did work part time after birth of DS1 I dont now because child care for 2 is more difficult to oranise for 2 kids than it is for 1. As a SAHM I have to think about when I can get to Sainsburys and what foods are on offer. Also I dont think what outfits to buy from NEXT.. more like what clothes do the children REALLY need. Money is constantly in short supply in our house and I dont consider my life dull just because I dont work. In many ways I feel it would be a damn site easier if I did work then I would get a break from the children. It sounds like you just dont like these women you meet up with and in that case you should stop seeing them and make some friends you do like. nobodys life is perfect.... you are just seeing the image they want you to see.

Copper, your post was lovely.

I want to be YOUR friend