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Parenting

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Original poster

New mum... difficulty adjusting

14 replies

nauseous · 27/09/2009 20:58

Our DS is 5 mo. And now the initial difficulties of feeding, sleeping etc seem to be becomning more manageable I'm finding myself longing for my old freedoms before we were parents.

Its just that life is feeling a bit mundane - ie that all I do is feed, shop, wash, sleep, I'm finding I'm getting incredibly bored.

I know I am lucky that things are settling down, that we have managed to have a baby at all - its just that I assumed that i would be totally INTO being a mother - and I'm not. I know my DH wishes I was...

I do get an hour or so a week of time on my own... but its not enough!

Anyone else feel the same?

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onepieceoflollipop · 27/09/2009 21:02

tbh I felt much better once my maternity leave was up and I was due to be returning to work. I am NOT suggesting that this is the right option for everyone, just how it was for me.

Is there any reason you couldn't try to get some more "me time". e.g. a regular girls' night out/in once a week/fortnight. Find a babysitter?

My youngest is 2 now, but even at this age I find we need to get out every day or I just sit sighing over the house and feeling unmotivated. For example if we go to say a 10am toddler group I feel motivated to hang the laundry out before we go, and then when I sit down for lunch I don't feel that I have let everything pile up round me.

thisisyesterday · 27/09/2009 21:10

i think how you're feeling is very normal! ti can be a really big adjustment to make, i often find myself yearning for the person i used to be. but you know, life DOES change, forever, once you have a baby. (and that can be hard to come to terms with however much you wanted your children and however planned they were)

i wanted to say though, you aren't just feeding, shoppinh, washing, sleeping etc

you're bringing up a child! you're doing one of the most importrant jobs in the world. teaching your baby to integrate, communicate, learn, become a member of society. I think it's so easy to feel like being a mum is not a job, it's just staying at home slaving away. but without us the world wpould be a pretty crap place!

you might find it's easier once your baby is older and a bit less dcemanding and gives more back. it can seem relentless for the first few months, but it does get better!

time away isn't always the solution, because it just reinforces your belief that you need something else, and that your work at home isn't as worthwhile iyswim?

my advice would be enjoy your baby! you don't have to spend all your time doing housework and stuff, just spend time being with him and enjoying him and enjoy the person you have become.
and buy a copy of "what mother's do, especially when it looks like nothing"

thisisyesterday · 27/09/2009 21:10

sorry, i put a rogue apostrophe in there! oops.
what mothers do...

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winnybella · 27/09/2009 21:15

I made DP take baby out for a walk every day for 2 hours in the afternoon. He also helps a bit in the morning/ evening and stays home with DD when I go for a drink with a friend once a week. He works from home most of the time, so maybe it's different for you, but there's no reason why your DH can't help in the mornings/evenings and let you go out once in a while.
Taking care of a baby non-stop IS exhausting and mind-numbing. Trust me, if you get some time on your own, you will be much more enthusiastic about parenting.

Original poster

nauseous · 27/09/2009 21:20

Thanks lollipop, I'm definitely looking forward to going back to work... its going to be so much easier than looking after a baby all day! (Nauseous ducks - waiting for the flaming...) Although I know I'll miss him loads.

I'm working on the babysitter.

And I could get out a bit more

these things have got to help!

I think the major difficulty is that I'm TOTALLY resenting my DH for having lots of time out - ie at work - and its me who has the day to day responsibility of looking after our DS.

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Portofino · 27/09/2009 21:31

I felt the same - tiny babies are gorgeous, but it does get so boring- same routine day in day out. I found parenthood so much more fulfilling when dd was older - say 2 onwards.

But i was just getting into it when dd was about 5 months. And just starting to feel confident in my abilities, and getting out and about a bit more. I think it took really 4-5 months before I really started to feel "happy" about being a mum. As opposed to just getting on with it....

Original poster

nauseous · 27/09/2009 21:32

Yesterday I hadn't thought of it like that - of course it is really important. Don't know why I didn't see that... I need to let that digest a while...

Still - am very jealous of Winnybella's 2 hour afternoon breaks!!

And yesterday - please tell me - when does it get better by the way?? I NEED to know?! Thank you!

OP posts:

snickersnack · 27/09/2009 21:45

Please try and get hold of a copy of "What Mothers Do" - I give it to every friend of mine who has just had a baby, it's tremendously reassuring.

I think by the time they're able to play on their own for (very) short periods it's a bit easier. Then it gets easier again when they're walking and talking. And easier again when they're out of nappies and past the tantrum stage. dd is 4.5 and really very easy to look after. The first 6 months are really really hard, in my opinion.

Original poster

nauseous · 27/09/2009 22:25

thanks everyone. Better get reading!!

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cheerfulvicky · 28/09/2009 09:29

Babies are so boring, and no-one tells you this! They are cute, but just DULL.
My ds is 1 now and he's a riot, I love spending time with him. I'm still looking forward to when he can walk and talk, but its so much easier already. I mean, he can actually play which is brilliant! I'm typing this one handed because he is sprawled on my lap chewing on a very un-childsafe toy
It will get better, honestly. Its not tedious forever - or no-one would ever have any more.

jeffily · 28/09/2009 09:48

nauseous- that is so exactly what I am feeling! I could have written your post, especially the bit about DH having lots of time out. I get enraged about DH's life not changing as much as mine has, particularly as mine 'works' from home 3 days a week and whenever I look into his office he is on Facebook! He has this way of being able to totally ignore any screaming coming from any other part of the flat when I am in charge (DD poo-ed in the bath the other day- he left me to sort it all out and when baby and bath were fully cleaned up he appeared "did she poo in the bath?" !)
DD is 6 months now, and I would say that I have been enjoying it more for the last few weeks. I love her so much, and I never thought that I would feel this way, but I am looking forward to getting back to work (I'm going back 2/3 days a week) and having a rest! I was really going mad though at about 4 months and had to sit down and have a really frank talk with DH about how I was feeling and what needed to happen to make me feel better. I tried not to complain about what had happened before and instead to have some ideas about what might make my life easier in the future. We ended up agreeing that- 1) I should have an hour to myself everyday. DH would take responsibility for DD during this time. 2) I should get one 'lie in' a week, DH would get up with her at 6 and come and wake me with a cuppa at 7.30 for her feed. 3) Every now and then DH would be in charge for the whole day, all I would do is feed her when needed.
Just agreeing this made me feel better because I felt that he was recognising how I was feeling and trying to help me out. I have to say though that while he was good at it for a while they have all now slipped, and I don't think 3 ever actually happened at all!
I comfort myself now with the thought that this time will pass and it'll never come back, it's precious. I already look back on that new born bit (which I know I hated actually) with nostalgia and fondness. Clever old Mother Nature.
Hope it feels better soon.

thisisyesterday · 28/09/2009 14:45

i would say probably after the first 6 months, when they become more able to do things (sit up, play with toys, babble away to you).
it can seem like you're giving and giving with a n ewborn and not getting anything much in return (you are btw,they just can';t express it!)

do you go to any mum and baby groups? i find it hugely helpful to just have some grown-ups to talk to, who knjow what it's like!
i get together once a week with a group of mummy-friends and we have a good oldgripe about babies, husbands and all the rest of it!

moomer · 29/09/2009 14:16

Hi Nauseous just wanted to send you a quick message as I've recently posted on here feeling a bit gloomy. I'm afraid my son's over one now and I still struggle with the tedium of being a Mum, but I think, following advice, the right thing for me will be to get some part-time work so that I can make more out of the time I do have with him. Are you going back part-time or full (just being nosy?!)

I totally thought I'd love being a Mum too... and have to be honest and say a lot of isn't quite how I pictured! I think it easier when they get bigger though as they are more of a laugh and it's easier to do stuff with them. I hope things improve for you!

poshsinglemum · 01/10/2009 03:04

Hi all. What you are feeling is completely natural. We love our little ones but I don't half miss the freedom and spontenaity.
I think I try to find joy in the smallest of pleasures such as a nice walk, good food, a good film, dd smiling and playing. Before dd I needed much more stimulous to keep me amused, now I have adjusted to more chilled out activities.
Also, do try and get out one evening a week. try not to resent your partner. Men honestly do not have a clue how tough it is for us mums and assume it should come so naturally to us.

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