What to call step-grandparents

[Seriya]

My parents separated ten years ago; it was a pretty amicable split. My dad remarried a couple of years ago and my mother also has a well-established new relationship, but my parents remain in regular and reasonably cheerful contact with one another.

When our dd was born 2 ½ years ago, obviously you start wondering what she might call the various grandparents. My dad ? who at that time was just about to remarry - was uncomfortable with my mum?s new partner being called ?granddad? (well, since they live in Germany, the term?s actually ?Opi?) -, in his words ?especially since they?re not married?.

My mum and her new partner, F, found this deeply hurtful, especially since he loves children and is not likely to have any grandkids that are biologically his. While we as the parents tried to respect my dad?s wishes, my mum & partner have been quietly insistent that he be called granddad, signing every card, dedication etc with ?Opi F,? and making a point of calling him that to dd?s face ? initially mainly out of our earshot but now increasingly open. I thought it was a bit underhand way of going about it but seeing how much dd means to her step-granddad I?ve not intervened; my dad?s safely away in Asia and thus unlikely to find out about this anyway.

Now my mum & F are planning to get married; my mum told my dad via email and just HAD to add the dig ?I trust that this makes it now acceptable to refer to F as Opi F?. My dad, having initially replied simply ?congratulations!!!!?, followed this up with to send a pretty pointed reply of ?You may note that my wife is only ever referred to as auntie V? ? and he just told me on the phone he?s still not happy with my soon-to-be stepdad being called Opi, married or not.

Now I know that the only reason my Dad?s new wife is called Auntie is because of her age ? she?s much younger than him; when they got married I automatically asked if she?d be ?grandma V? from there on in.

Personally, while I love my Dad dearly, I find his attitude a bit petty; it?s as if he?s trying to exclude my mum?s new partner from the family. My husband on the other hand reckons whether we like it or not, we should respect my Dad?s wishes.

I personally just wish my parents could sort this without falling out with one another for good, and without me ruining my relationship with either. Sadly I?m really scared that this issue is so deep and emotive that it really could all go horribly wrong.

Has anyone got any sage advice? Gone through similar stories? Come up with good naming alternatives for step-grandparents?

Dad died 15 years ago.

Mum's "new" partner (of about 8 years) is "Uncle PetFormOfFirstName" to DS and my sister's children, which is what his nephew and niece call him, who are still quite young. I would be sad if he were Grandpa, because I think this is what my dad would have been. We still refer to Dad and call him this, but I am glad that DS and cousins have an affectionate name for mum's partner, as he has been around all their lives.

I think you are trying very hard to see this from an adult point of view, when you should ignore THEIR issues, and focus your DD.

Having grandparents (step or othewise) is a wonderful thing, and she will never be able to fully engage in the emotions and complications of it the way that you are - or your parents are.

So they should be simple names. Granddad or Grandpa x (use surname or first name) and that is the end of it.

My father has been married four times, and my mum remarried twice, so I can't tell you how complicated it is, but I just tell her 'we're off to see Granddad xxx' I don't explain they are step or otherwise. To her they are just lovely old people who fuss over her and that's all she needs to know. I know it bothers my relatives as some of them are more 'blood' than others, but that doesn't help my dd so I don't let it bother me.

I have a step dad who is like a father figure although I call him by his first name. My mum is known as Nana and because they are a couple i would prefer it if my dc's called him Grandad (firstname) or something like that. However me and my mum and sometimes my ds refers to him as Grandad but he would rather be known just by his first name which offends me a bit because it is like saying I'm not like a daughter to him iykwim? The reason he wants to be known by his first name is cos he thinks being called 'Grandad' makes him old. He should just get over it as he is in his late forties and has actually got a biological grandchild! (who he doesn't see as he has never really known his son).

Grandma and Grandpa.

As a child with step parents I had several sets of grandparents and called each one Grandma and Grandpa (or a variation of this)

Now having children and being part of a step family (2 families joined together so my partner and I are both step parents) our children call all Grandparents, by Grandma or Grandpa etc.

I can't understand a fully grown reasonable adult having an issue with this.

How about Papa? Means granddad in some parts of the world and dad in others, and close enough to grandpa.

Or maybe your baby will make up some funny and charming name and it will stick? name

I called my step gran 'aunty ...', but as she was my (deceased) gran's sister she was my great aunt anyway.With any step situation my family just use the name, but dh's call every friend of the family 'aunty this or that' so that's confusing.
I would just go with what the actual step grandparents are comfortable with.

I actually don't think it's any of their business what they're ex-partner's partners get called by their grandchildren. Both my parents are re-married (amicably split mind you) and I've let each couple decide how they want to be referred to.

My mum and step-dad are granny and grandpa and my dad and his wife (she is not step-mum, just different) are grandad and granny x. It's personal preference and IMHO it's none of your dad's business.

I am the youngest in my family and my parents split when I was 16 so it's not like I've grown up with my step-dad or anything, it's just the way things have worked out.

Hi,

I have a similar problem in that my mum passed away and dad now has a new partner. All my nieces and nephews who are teenage+ call her by her name but I am not sure what to do about my baby - I really don't want him to call her grandma as this was always my mums preference - but do I go for her name or Nan? What I think I am going to do is ask her what she would like after all it is partly her decision. And besides I have found as children grow up they choose what to call people. My brother was insistent his children not be made to call us Aunty and Uncle and aged about 4 they started doing it spontaneously, equally he prefers not to be called Uncle - but we naturally use it so he will have to lump it !

Anyway to OP I would say that it is up to the individual what they wish to be called by the children - and others should respect that including fathers - especially when the children are happy with it.

i call my step mother by her first name, as does dd. i don't call her mum, so dd doesn't call her grandma.

step mother was most surprised at this, but to me if i were to have dd call her grandma she would be replacing my mum who died when i was little. it surprised me that my step mother didn't consider this when she started calling herself dd's grandma.

my dad has always referred to her by her first name to dd, he understands. dd is not confused.

My son, when he begins to talk will have:

Grandma and Pops (my mom and step dad)
Grandma and Pops (my dad and step mom)
Grandad and Granny (my dh's mom and dad)

Your father is being completely petty.

Oh and to differentiate the two sets of Grandma and Pops', one is Grandma and Pops with the swimming pool and the other is Grandma and Pops with the watering can. So named by my now 9 year old niece!!

Hi I'm new so big hi to you all. finding the abriviations very confusing help please