I wasn't sure where to post this but decided on 'Parenting' as clearly it is me who needs to do something but I have no clue what.
I am a name-changer, part-time poster, long-time member though (several years).
My DS is 6 and an only child. Since nursery he has had behavioural problems in social or classroom situations which unfortunately seem to manifest as aggression towards other kids. He has hit, kicked, bitten, throttled other children, threatened to kill them, and worst of all within a week of the new term starting (we are in Scotland) has attacked another child with a piece of school equipment and left a huge and horrible mark.
You are probably all thinking, 'what the hell have you done to this kid to make him act like this'. I'd likely think the same, but I honestly don't know where I've gone wrong. At home DS is largely a wonderful child with great manners, he is bright and creative, helpful and loving. We spend most of our time just the two of us as his dad lives abroad and I have no family nearby. However we are not 'shut-ins' and we get out and about to theatre, cinema, activity classes, parks and outdoors activities. I rarely need to exercise any more discipline than a stern talking to which at home is usually for reasons of not listening or answering back or being rude. He does seem to have the idea that he runs the show sometimes and when in a bad mood can speak to me rudely and nastily with rather a mystifying degree of arrogance for one so young.
His other identifiable troubles are a speech delay (had 2 yrs of therapy which is 'on a break' at the moment and he is coherent to most people if they concentrate) and possibly some degree of hyperactivity, this has not been professionally diagnosed but learning support at school has noticed noise-making, twitching, constant physical movement, and at home he is literally bouncing from the minute he gets up. He also suffers from massive mood swings from one minute praising himself at being excellent at everything to the next calling himself 'fat' and 'stupid' and wanting to kill himself and hitting himself on the face.
I am at an utter loss what to do with him in terms of his behaviour at school. I spent the whole of last year standing alone in the playground at drop off and pick up times because DS is known as 'the bad kid' and is the subject of parental gossip. I've been dropped by my one friend at the school who (prior to the dropping) kept me informed about just how much other mums were talking about both me and DS (= a lot). DS has no friends at all, he got one party invite the whole of last year, only for me to have to remove him from the games after he punched 2 other kids. I've had several parents come up to me to complain in person. What do I say to them? DS is punished in school (last term was kept in at all break times for several weeks, as he posed such a danger to others) and at home with restrictions on his privileges eg after this latest episode he is having no TV, PSP or sweets (and before you ask - no, he doesn't live on sugar, he has something like a kinder egg after dinner or a mini packet of haribo to take to the park. He doesn't even have concentrated juice). What else can I do? Clearly since it keeps happening the other mums must think I don't give a toss, or don't react, or maybe that I take him home and laugh about it afterwards. But I honestly don't know HOW else I can react, or what else I can do. I sit and talk with DS over and over about the importance of being kind, listening, thinking about other people's feelings. I ask him to empathise with how the other kids are feeling when he hurts them, and repeatedly, repeatedly tell him to go straight to an adult if he is finding a situation troublesome, instead of just thumping the other party. He seems to be able to relate well to what I'm saying in his moments of calm but when he is back at school and in a challenging situation all the theory disappears. And what DS perceives as a 'challenging situation' is often nothing at all. I've seen him burst into tears or lash out because someone has quite innocently brushed past him or bumped into him gently in a queue. He has no compunction about hitting smaller kids either and even has a problem with babies looking at him (sends him into growly sulks).
The school has worked closely with DS and myself, he has 2 learning support teachers plus what is virtually a 1-on-1 classroom assistant who also organises structured play for him at breaktimes. I have had regular meetings with all relevant staff members and have been consulted regularly on a number of different strategies which have no really worked. So it's not as if I/ we have been passively observing for the last 2 yrs. The school has now referred DS to an educational psychologist and an occupational therapist but I wonder if I should be heading to my own GP about this? I feel extremely vulnerable as a single parent as everyone's first thought will inevitably be, 'How is this child being raised?' I'm terrified he's going to be thrown out of school or after school club (I wouldn't be able to work even without after school club) and even more terrified that they are going to find something so wrong in how I'm parenting that SS will be involved and he'll be taken away from me.
Thanks for reading if you've got this far.
(I should probably point out that he's never been called fat (he isn't) or stupid (isn't that either) and I have no clue where he's picked up ideas about killing himself or others. He's a great sleeper and a good eater and has a pretty good diet. I'm not a perfect mum and I yell at him sometimes when no doubt I should be speaking in a calm and resolute manner, but in all honestly have not had to yell all summer, he's been that lovely while off school. I'd so hoped this would be a fresh start but it's already worse than ever.)