slapped the boy after 13 years of refraining!

[marina46]

Just wanted to know what others thought of the following:

On sunday my DH called DS (13 years) to the garden shed to tackle him about using his tools and losing them or not putting them back. I was close by hanging out the washing. It escalated into a row because DS denied all knowledge of where the missing tools were even though i too was sure that he had probably lent them to freinds. After being repeadedly asking DH hit DS across the face, not hard like a punch but like a slap, now having not used physical punishment ever on DS i was shocked but didnt say anything because us parents need to stick together even though i was cross/disappointed. DS still did not own up and DH slapped him again at which point i span round poining my finger in DH face and screamed "do it again, i f**king dare you". I then gave some smart arse remarks of congratulations to DH on losing his cool etc etc.

When i told my freind about it she said I was out of order!!!Now although i think i should not have done that in front of DS i did worry he would hit him again. and it was a split second decision to confront him there and then. We have a agreement not to use physical punishment and he went back on that without disucssion etc etc and over some missing tools!?! plus he wouldnt slap DD and if i did he wouldnt of agreed.

DS and DH seem to be fine now but i do wonder about lasting resentment or bad feeling. I still remember i one time my dad whalloped me. The problem is i suppose that i still feel annoyed with DH.

i am shocked at this what a bully!You were right absolutely.i agree with greensleeves i am totally anti smacking but this feels beyond that.Why would you abuse someone you are supposed to love and who probably idolises you like that?He needs a serious talking to.No wonder ds is getting along ok with him now he is probably terrified not to!The tools are irrelevant its the bigger picture I would be looking at!

You were so NOT out of order!

There is a difference between a smack done in the heat of the moment and regretted and apologised for, and a slap to the face - twice! Also there is an edge to a grown man slapping an pre-adolescent boy that I find alarming. It is just different in away that I can't explain.

Ah yes 'male bull syndrome'. That's a good name for it. Vile and distasteful.

I agree ormirian I have a 15 yr old ds who is a pita at times but if dp ever touched him it would break my heart.I would hope men would be examples to their sons not showing them that if someone annoys you you hit them??

greeny I agree with you. Smacking someone across the face is in a different league altogether,horrid, horrid

I have smacked my children occansionly but that was when they were small. I would nevr slap a child across the face. Your DH was out of order and neds to apolagise to your son but your son needs to tell him what has happend to the tools.

my mum rarely ...nay...v. rarely smacked me - but she backhanded me across the face and busted my nose when i was 13.

i went to live with my nan for months.

i wasn't even a bad teenager

I don't see how it was ok to present a united front and ignore the first slap, then go in guns a-blazing at the second. Neither ok in my book, although I understand how teenagers can (knowingly) push you to the limit.

Parents dont have to stick together if one is being violent with a child. In all honesty your thread title makes it sound like dh has done soooo well not to hit ds for 13 years - no, he hasnt, he is not supposed to. I dotn care how much a kid pushes you smacking them across teh face is NEVER acceptable and the fact that he did it would worry me but what would worry me more is that after the 1st slap he didnt think 'bloody hell what have I done, will ds ever forgive me?'.

"'bloody hell what have I done, will ds ever forgive me?"

Yes exactly. And that is what concerns me about my DH. He has become a lot more stressed recently as a parent - shouts more and has actually smacked DS2 recently - first time ever with any child . He hates himself for it and feels very guilty but never never expresses those feelings to the DC. He has this absurd belief that parents should be seen to be infallible. I am wondering if that is a particularly male characteristic.

custardo that is shocking but does show the impact of being hit by a parent like that.You left home and you were still a child.the least this boys dad should do is explain himself apologise and make things right.

Hmm, interesting isn't it OrmIrian.

I don't think it is particularly male; I often hear people agreeing that once you've made a threat, you can't go back on it because you will be seen to be weak etc. Like they are really afraid of losing their grip if they back down occasionally or change their minds, or admit they were wrong. I think it's a sign of insecurity as a parent, rather than a male thing per se. But I wonder if fathers in our culture are perhaps less secure in their role as parent, given that they are less likely to be defined by society primarily as a parent and maybe spend less time actually doing the parenting, hence their need to hang on to the bits of it which make them secure? Not a theory or opinion, just musings...

being hit across the face/head as a child is humilitating and belittling and just all over horrible

My dad would regularly slap us around the face and the back of the head if we were 'naughty' or 'cheeky' or just being a bitch

I have never forgiven or forgotten it. There is a world of difference between tapping a 4 yr old on the bum and slapping a teenager in the face

Absolutely agree Sherby and others.

A tap on the arm or full on yelling does not compare to being walloped round the face. For some reason it is so much more violent than being hit anywhere else. I was wacked a lot as a child but the ones which haunt me are the backhanders.

perhaps the title is misleading waitingforbedtime, i meant that through the all difficulties with our DS he hasnt been smacked before and that as parents we are united (were at least)in this as we believe its not nice and doesnt work but that doesnt mean even i havent felt like smacking him before and have threatended to do so but havent. I am shocked that he slapped him across the face as DH is usually the laid back one of us and has never been voilent in any capacity before.
and yes i shoudnt of sworn FabBakerGirlIsBack but i think that was me losing my cool with DH, at least i didnt slap him across the face!

at least you all seem to agree that my freind is wrong to say im out of order, so thankyou.

i am going to talk to DH tonight about how he feels now about what he has done and what he intends to do about apologising as i dont think i can leave the matter even though they are getting on fine as im worried what will happen the next time DS is a sh*t and DS holding in his feelings. Also i cant stop thinking about it so best to address it head opn i think.