adoption

[Beaver]

Hi, I'm new here and I have had a quick look through and was wondering if any of you have adopted your children? I have one adoptive son aged 2 and we are well on the way to getting number two. I would love to hear from other people in our situation.

My neighbour has adopted a little boy from Thailand and goes to London next week to sign the final papers. They're pretty excited about it!

Hello Beaver,

Adoption runs in our family! My mum adopted my 2 brothers, both coloured, and my sister has adopted her 2 children, girl and boy aged 6 and 3. I also have a friend who adopted a Chinese girl. So you are definitely not alone!

What made you decide to adopt? It is well worth it isn't it? My mother got my brothers in the seventies when the rules on adoption were very loose, I doubt she'd be able to adopt a coloured child quite so easily now. She got them both very quickly too, within a matter of months rather than years. My sister had to wait two years for each of hers. Trouble is, there are so few babies out there waiting for adoption now.

Good luck with yours, I'm sure you will have a wonderful time with them both!

Does anyone know the age limit for adopting a child? It is something that we have considered as a possibility if we don't manage to have another child - we have one little girl just coming up to 3 but don't seem to be able to repeat the process. I am 40 and my husband has just turned 50. I have a horrible feeling that the authorities in this country might consider 50 to be too old.

Roz, I think it depends on which agency you approach. Some acquaintances who I think must be a similar age to yourselves have just adopted through the Children's Society, two lovely little boys (siblings aged 3 and 4). It also depends on whether you want a baby or are prepared to accept older children, children with disabilities etc. I don't have any personal insights to offer other than don't rule yourselves out on age, I think a lot of agencies are relaxed about the age thing now if it means children in care get the chance for a new life. Good luck, having the little boys has transformed our friends' lives - positively.

I recently had a long conversation with my MIL about adoption. She told me about a colleague of hers who has happily adopted a boy aged 9 years. She is single and I believe in her 40's, and an ex nurse - and she had no problem in finding a child to adopt. She was eager to take in an older child and this made all the difference.The relationship was built up over some time, with lots of visits first.

Babies were in far greater demand. My MIL said she wished other would-be parents realised how many older children are waiting to be adopted.

Sorry, this may not answer your query about age, Roz, but it might be useful to know.

Hi Lisa, We adopted due to sub-fertility for both my husband and myself. However ever since we got together we said that we would want to adopt after having our own natural children, it has just happened that we did it early than thought due to unforseen problems. We didn't really want to wait years trying with fertility treatment which in the end may not have been sucessful so we just went for it and got our lovely (most of the time!) son. We would definatly recommend adoption.

Hi Beaver,

You obviously dote on your son, which is lovely! My sister with the 2 adopted kids, is now pregnant with her own, she was told she would never have kids - so there you go! Actually I know lots of couples like that, who have adopted children and then gone on to have their own. Must be psychological or something perhaps?

One thing I will say is that if you do someday have your own, you must give extra reassurance to your adopted children. 2 of my friends were adopted as babies and their parents went on to have their own children. These two friends feel as though they have always had to compete against the 'natural' children. They felt isolated and unwanted.

My brothers were fine as my mum had 3 children before she decided to adopt. I think it's only a problem when a couple adopt thinking they can't have their own kids, and then suddenly find that they can. Obviously the adopted child then feels pushed out, as though they have served their purpose and are no longer needed.

Sorry, don't mean to sound down on it all! Adoption is really a brilliant thing, I don't know what I'd do without my brothers! Good on anyone who feels that they have all that love to give to another child.

Hi Maryz - I'm glad that you are happy with your children. There doesn't seem to be much discussion about adoption these days does there? I have changed my name since I last posted on here as Lisa. I take on board your comments about calling my sister's child "her own" but to be honest with you I am not into all this "pc-ness". I have 2 adopted brothers and they are my own brothers, I only get miffed when people stop me and say "but they're not your real brothers are they?" One of my brothers also has learning difficulties, and in the 70's we used to describe him as being 'sub-normal' - shock horror! But it never offended anyone back then, least of all him and we never saw it as a patronising term.

My sister has told her adopted children from day one that they are adopted. They know they are different from this little one who has now come along (he has Downs Syndrome) but that can't be helped. However they know that there is no difference between the love their parents have for them and for this new addition, and that's all they need to know. My brothers have grown up just fine in our non-pc world, they have no hang-ups about being adopted at all.

I hope your kids do just as well. Congratulations on the pregnancy and safe birth of your son, my sister also waited 15 years to give birth to her son. Funny how once a couple go for adoption, a pregnancy usually follows soon afterwards!

Don't worry about it MaryZ! No offence taken! My brother wouldn't have anything to do with his birth mother either. We know that she didn't want to give him up, but he was a mixed-race child born out of wedlock and this was the late sixties! He knows this story, but as far as he is concerned, we are his family and he has no other mother. I do feel sorry for his birth-mother, she will probably go through her life regretting having to give him up and wishing he would make contact. I'm glad they don't do that anymore! These days there are so few kids up for adoption, I guess it's easier for most just to have an abortion. I never hear anybody discussing adoption with regards to an unplanned pregnancy. It's very sad as I know lots of people on the waiting list just bursting with love to give one of these children!

Anyway, there I go again! I do tend to go off on a tangent when it comes to adoption! Your son will deal with it in his own way, but don't be surprised if he never mentions his birth-mother, I think this is quite normal with boys.

There was recently another thread talking about adoption which has really got me thinking.

I desperately want more children - I have two, but have always wanted a big family. I am a single Mum, so it's not quite as easy as all that. So I'm thinking maybe adoption would be the route to go - not immediately, but once my two are a little older. Can anyone give me some advice on the subject - I have lots of questions, this idea is still very much on a theoretical level, but I really want to look into it seriously. Any advice or pointers in the right direction would be appreciated - currently looking at the ukkids site and it is heart breaking. TIA Anais xxx