Amusing personifications of random objects - share yours

[giraffesCantReadShiteTabloids]

(In sympathetic tones) Oh poor poor Mr postbox - he has no legs, he cant dance he just has to stand and stand and wait for his tummy to get full. Maybe his mummy told him to stand and stand there.

Oh poor lonely pea, the last one on the plate. He's sooo lonely, he just wants to be with his friends in your tummy....are you going to help him find his friends?

Hello henry ( vacum cleaner), I home now henry here is your tea, henry, this your new bed.

Small bit of pizza: I lost my Mummy uh huh uh huh uh huh (unconvincing crying)

Big bit of pizza: (slightly falsetto voice>> here I am

Small bit of pizza: I thought I lost you uh huh uh huh Can I suck your boobies?

Last bit of food on plate, circling dolefully: "Where's everybody gone? Where's everybody gone??"

at suck boobies

"Hello moon. The moon is my friend." This started when DS was tiny, and he still refers to it as a being now that he's 5 and knows better.

DS is only 20 months so not really at that stage yet, but he has started saying "bye-bye" very seriously to the big printer/photocopier in the hallway every time we leave nursery! He doesn't say it to anything else inanimate (unless you count the guinea pig which doesn't seem to do much...)

Shhhh Mummy - Roomba (vacuum cleaner) sleeping (and he gets bedtime stories read to him as well )

(and the moon is DD's friend as well, Bran - actually quite useful as it is always there even when we are away from home)

I talk to two objects - my Dyson and the photocopier at work

Dyson - "you big, fat, heavy useless BASTARD" (said whilst hoovering the stairs).

"You love jamming, don't you, you do it on purpose"

"stop making so much noise" (when I get the hose twisted and the noise goes up 3 octaves and 10 decibels)

Photocopier - "please, please PLEASE don't jam again, I'm in a hurry

Or when it behaves - "Oh you LOVELY thing thank you for being so good". To general office amusement.

Oh, and I have good saucepans and evil, wicked saucepans (dependent on their propensity to stick and ease of washing) and also nice and nasty wooden spoons/spatulas.

Ds to small green bit of Lego when looking for big green bit of lego to stick it to, 'Don't worry little brick, I'll find your daddy.'

Awwww, Kathy

All the wooden spoons,spatulas, knives,whisks etc are all called "bloody things" by me, because invariably when I pull out a wooden spoon it has its leg through the whisk, which has formed an attachement to the carving knife, which can't leave the salad tongs behind, so all the "bllody things" come out when I want only 1

My computer often gets called a twat