Does anyone else get angry with their baby

[1757]

My DD is 8 weeks

I am really enjoying her, adore her and I am definately not depressed

However very occasionally, if she is crying a lot or very loudly and I can't settle her easily, I get very angry. Especially if I am tired.

Yesterday I shook the pram while she was in it because I just could not get her to stop crying. I shut the door and walked away to calm down for a few minutes and then I was fine again. Of course I feel very guilty

Am I the only mother who does this? Am I some kind of monster? I cannot admit this to my friends or family (although I do to my DH). My SIL admitted she once threw her baby on the bed because she cried for hours.

Is this a taboo area that should not be discussed?

This does not happen very often and I am a caring mum who adores her baby. I carry her in a sling, breastfeed and co sleep. We have a very strong bond.

1757, come look over here. Someone has created a support thread for mums of a baby and toddler. Looks like the business. Virtual wine is on the go.

Yes, without a doubt. My dd can be very whingy, and id try everything with no avail, sometimes to the point where i would nearly lose it with her - think constant whinging from 5.30am-7pm.

She is 13 months now, and much better since she can move and explore. We have a great bond, and she is the most precious thing in all the world to me, but if im sleep deprived or she is ill and wont settle, i do find myself with very angry and aggressive feelings. I remember shouting at her once 'w hat do you want!' and went in my own bedroom and threw things- obviously the next day we found out she had a ear infection, and i was completely devastated, and really tortured myself about it.

Like one of the other posters said, it would be so easy to follow through on that anger. Since ive had children i can understand now why some people snap, even very loving parents. My bf admitted once in the early sleepdeprived days with her second, she found herself patting his back a little too hard whe trying to 'soothe' him.

I think some of what we feel as parents is intense frustration, that we cant solve whatever is bothering them, and we try more and more things, and find nothing works, leading to anger and frustration. My HV advised me that babies dont need to be happy all the time, and if its for their safety you need time out. Dont feel your alone in this.

Not a 'w hat'- meant 'what'

I remember getting angry with DS1 when he was about 6 weeks. (he is now a very cheeky 8yr old).

He was crying for hours, nothing cheered him up. Not rocking, milk, singing, cuddles. I could feel the rage building in me. So I put him in his cot, shut the doors, turned the TV up (so I couldn't hear him) and had a cup of tea. It took me 5 mins to drink my cuppa and calm down. The little bugger had gone to sleep.

I had a really bad day today. My DD is unsettled at the moment and wouldn't even settle in the sling. She was grizzling and clawing away at my chest and in my sleep deprived state I grabbed her hands to move them away from my chest. I must have grabbed them quite hard as I noticed red marks on her wrists later . I am wracked with guilt now. I was doing so well and enjoying her so much, but in the last couple of weeks I am losing it a bit

I really have to learn to walk away and control my anger. I am not a shouty mum (have a three year old), it is like I stay patient through some really trying times and then something minor makes me snap

the marks are still there . i have abused my precious baby.

1757 - Just had to post and send big hugs to you because you sound so sad and so very tired. I had a moment like this when DD was very little - she had really bad nappy rash so nappy changes became horrendous with all the screaming, and I just slammed my hands down on the nappy changer really hard which of course just made her cry more . The point is, you are not alone and and your are not the only Mum who has experienced this, so please don't berate yourself.

Re your last few posts, I think your immediate concern has to be to try and get some rest. Is there anyone who could come in and help you for even a few hours so that you can get some sleep? Perhaps your DH might be able to take a day off work - its really tough having a little one to look after. I know you've said that you can't talk to people about this, but I bet if you did, you would get offers of help from all sources, and just a little bit of sleep can make all the difference. Where abouts are you - there might even be a nice MNetter who can help out. Don't see it as anything other than Mums looking our for other Mums - this is a tough time for any Mum and if we can't be there for each other, who will be?

And I'll probably be flamed for even suggesting this (I was an avid sling user, so nothing against slings), but found that on the days when she was crying loads even if she was in the sling, it was better for both of our sakes to take her out and put her down elsewhere, the sling reducing my ability to get away from it, IKSWIM. The ability to be a good mum is dependent on the shared happiness of both Mum and baby, so sometimes you need to do what's right for you, because in the long run it will be better for baby as well. You said you were co-sleeping - is the bed-arrangement stopping you from sleeping well when you do drop off - if so, maybe an Amby hammock-type arrangement might suit you better?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on - we're all here to help x

I still feel bad about this now, my dc's are 3 and 4. I shouted at them this morning because I am so tired and couldn't take it any more.
The problem is that when your're stressed, they pick up on it and then they get ratty, so you end up feeling even worse cos you caused all the trouble by being upset yourself iyswim.
Being a parent is so hard!

1757, you have not abused your baby. Please try to find some help. Someone who can take baby for even an hour so you can have soem time out.

Oh 1757 I know how frustrated and angry a baby can make you. If you can, try to see it as a problem you BOTH have, i.e. you're in it together and you will solve it together, rather than that SHE is the problem. I have found punching a pillow / shouting into a pillow very liberating. Just make sure your toddler doesn't see you do it or he'll think his mummy has gone mad

You are not alone. My DD is 14 months now but in her early weeks when she would cry I would get so frustrated and angry. I used to fantasise about letting go of the buggy whilst crossing the road or going down a hill, or I would feel so close to slapping her. Once I pulled her hair - very lightly, but I was so ashamed of myself afterwards that it made ME cry and cry and cry. I never did it again but I was so tired.

Her crying diminished over time (by 12 weeks?) and then it all got so much more easier.

1757, just read your last post. My DH and MIL were lifesavers for me. DH would come home early sometimes to give me a break and on weekends he would completely take over - I barely had to even play with DD on weekends when she was in her crying phase because of my wonderful DH who did everything when he was home despite being an overworked lawyer in the City. My MIL (his mum) was also a dream - she would sweep down from Shropshire to London for several days just to give me a break and to spend time with her precious only grandchild. Do you have someone who could do this for you?

your kind words mean so much to me. My DS (3) stayed at his granny's house last night. My MIL has been wonderful. Although my DD would only sleep in the sling, it did mean I could sit down and watch some TV without worrying about my DS. She had a bad night again but she did sleep in until 9am so I could sleep too without getting up to my DS.

She is a gorgeous little thing but like my DS was as a baby, she will not be put down to sleep very often.

Notsochilledanymore - You hit the nail on the head about slings. I have loved carrying my DD in a sling for chunks of the day but sometimes I need a bit of seperation (as does my DS). Of course in other cultures where babies are carried all day, there is always someone else to hold the baby due to tribal/communal living. There are many advantages to being a western mother but we do spend unnaturally long periods of time on our own with crying babies.

She was a very settled baby and I found her quite easy, but the last couple of weeks she is more unsettled. I do think she has developed massively and this is part of the problem. I have a lovely bond with her and do not believe myself to be majorly depressed but I do think I am tired and a bit run down with the relentlessness of it all.

I also put huge amounts of pressure on myself due to a difficult childhood, to be this perfect mother. The guilt makes it worse.

She is sleeping in a bedside crib and occasionally next to me. My DH wants me to put her in her own room but I don't feel ready for that yet. I do have a wonderful and supportive DH who will get up in the night with her and helps around the house. I also have friends I can call on. Sometimes however it all overwhelms me and there isn't somebody there immediately. thank goodness for mumsnet

Orissiah your words mean so much

Mumsnet rocks, doesn't it! I don't know what I'd have done without it through my pregnancy and those first difficult weeks.

The important thing is just keep looking after yourself as much as your babies, and don't be afraid to use all that lovely support from your DH and your MIL as much as possible.

You're so right about our culture meaning that we spend huge amounts of time alone with our babies - I remember flying to visit parents in India when DD was a few months old and not knowing what to do with myself as the care of DD suddenly got shared amongst lots of female relatives. I should have taken more advantage of it and gone for some massages - instead I spent the whole time fretting that they thought I was a bad mum

x

I don't have anything clever to add to the advice already given, but wanted to offer some support also.

Jumping up and down hard on the spot sometimes works for me. (My toddler seems to be aware his mother is bonkers!

Hope you get some rest. It will get better. Bet the marks have faded now too.

I had a better day today and feel miles better thanks to all your kind words. I got lots of smiles today, so that helps. I just need to learn to recognise when I am beginning to 'lose it' and put her down and walk away until I calm down. However you hear about how terrible it is to leave a baby to cry and that makes me feel guilty too!

Agree with pps re:tiredness and also at 8 weeks hormones are still running amok. My dd cried a lot and the sheer relentlessness of it coupled with no bloody time to THINK about how to respond better caused me to feel that I was on the verge of becoming slightly out of control a few times. Walking away is the BEST thing to do and something that gets trickier as the child gets mobile etc as they might be at risk of hurting themselves etc. It will get better - crying often peaks between 6 and 8 weeks.

I remember getting really angry with ds1 when he was being difficult/contrary in a way I never have been with ds2. Ds2 is an easier child, but I don't think that's why.
Having ds1 took away my independence, health, continence and changed my life in ways I found very hard to deal with.
I loved him to bits, but I hated many of the consequences of his birth. That didn't happen with ds2, as nothing got worse in my life after he was born...
These feelings have largely worn off now ds1 is older, and he would never have been aware of them. But I was and it is not something I am proud of.

I’m so relieved after reading this . I have been feeling so down for getting angry at my baby due to serious sleep deprivation for the past 14 months . I still feel really bad about it but atleast I know now I’m not a complete monster and I’m actively seeking professional help to get me thru this . I love my daughter and there’s not a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for her

I’m so glad I’ve just come across this post. I had a bad day with my 15 month old today, she wouldn’t go down for her nap and I was exhausted and having to do a 10 hour shift 4-2am so could have done with a nap myself so I got angry with her and felt so awful afterwards that I cried and cried. This has made me feel so much better about myself.

Noise cancelling headphones. I also got the rage but found if I didn’t have to listen to the screaming full volume it affected me a lot less. I could hold DD screaming in my ear for half an hour and feel totally fine. DH and I joked we had scream o meters and once it was full we were all done. For me the headphones gave me more time before I couldn’t take it anymore.