Are some personality types naturally more suited to having DC's than others?

[oneplusone]

I have recently had some lightbulb moments regarding myself and my DC's. I have struggled with DD from day 1, she is now 6. After much thought I have realised that I am the sort of person who likes peace and quiet, time to think, calm, order, whilst at home. I am definately an introvert.

Having children inevitably involves mess, noise, disorder, endless chatter, playdates, lots of people in the house etc etc.

If i was an extrovert i would probably thrive on the typical lifestyle that children bring with them. But i find it really hard as nearly everything to do with children goes against what i naturally prefer. I find the holidays very hard as it's full on children all the time, term time is so much better for me as I get some space and peace and quiet for 6 hours a day (although DS is not at school yet, but he's a quiet child, unlike extrovert DD).

I have a feeling that my personality will find it easier and more natural to be a parent when the DC's are much older and we can have proper conversations and they are doing interesting things at school/college/uni/work. I definately am not suited to the early years or primary school years either.

Another one here who loves routine and is not fond of the school hols. I like them so much more when I get a break from them. Also I love babies, possibly because they don't talk. I need to think my own thoughts without hearing "Mummy?" every 2 seconds. I think it must be partly because I'm an only child though, and I have 3 dcs. I can handle, and even enjoy, the rabble of hobbies and playdates after school as long as I've had the peace and quiet first.

What I REALLY hate about the holidays is them waiting for me to entertain them, and asking for food all day long just because they're bored....

I think very few personality types are suited to spending whole days doing toddler and pre-school things which is essentially what you can find yourself doing in the holidays. I love playing games and painting and all the things mentioned on this thread with my children, but would go mental if I had to do it all day long. I am 36 years old. This is why I go to work and put my children in holiday clubs. I could only do a 6 week holiday with them, if I had enough money to realx in the Priory afterwards.

i have to say that i absolutely love looking after ds and having him all to myself during the holidays - however dh feels a lot like some of the posters on this thread even though he gets to go out of the house every day and does not really muck in even when he is there (it is a bit like having a big buddha statue stationed in front of a laptop - the idea of them being there is appealing & creates feel-good factor even though they are inanimate). the school holidays filled him with dread even before they started and he is always moaning on days out to the extent that i cannot wait until ds and i can travel more independently without him. even though i am the one who is all talked out and physically exhausted by the end of the day, he is the one who gets the migraines and complains down the phone to his friends about ds' antics

snap KTNoo... i'm an only child with 3 kids too and it's an odd experiance as i've never dealt with sibling rivalry and a lively house in my life until now.

mine do the 'I'm Hungry' whine 24/7 too and it makes me want to scream!

It's a nightmare isn't it PinkTulips?! I just crave head space, and sometimes resort to locking myself in the toilet. My dh, on the other hand, who is one of 4, can easily zone them out. I find it hard that they are sooooo mean to each other sometimes.

I hide in the utility room

Funnily dp is one of 3 but comes from such a screwed up household he finds the tantrums and stuff even more difficult than i do, all three of his family have personality 'ishoos' and he sees every strop and tantrum as an indicator of a lifetime of knightmare beahviour, so i spend my time trying to calm him down too [tears hair out]

KTNoo and pinktulips, i think i identify with you both the most. I guess I have found that because of my DC's I have been forced to be a lot more sociable than I would have been normally ie I have to chat to the other mums at school, who i can tell i have nothing in common with, purely for DD's sake as she is friends with their DC's in order to organise playdates etc.

I have had to seek out the mother of one of DS's friends at nursery and chat to her so DS can have his friend over to play.

I have some long standing pre-DC friends and I am perfectly happy with them and felt no need to make new friends but i have been forced to since i had the DC's and especially since they started school/nursery. I guess i find it hard to make friends, i find small talk hard and i really can't be bothered with it all if i realise the other mum and I have absolutely nothing in common. But i feel forced to keep on chatting in the playground etc just for the sake of the DC's. There are one or two mums that i genuinely like and feel we are on the same wavelength but with the rest of them it is only because of the DC's. As DD has so many friends, instead of say just one or two good friends, i am forced to chat to loads of other mums and i find it really hard.

I suppose i will find it better when she can organise and arrange her own social life a bit more....although i am sure that will bring it's own problems too.

Perhaps my OP was not clear, but i guess i was trying to say that as an introvert i am finding the enforced socialising with the other mums really hard and i am only doing it because of the DC's. I am sure an extrovert would love the chance to meet loads of new people and make lots of new friends. I find it really really hard.

oneplusone, now you've got me trying to work out if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. Hmm...like my own space, not a fan of big groups, don't need to talk all the time, hate being centre of attention. But I enjoy being with people I can really talk to - guess that's introvert then.

You sound like you are handling things well to me. Like you I do force myself to go and talk to other mothers at school and try to appear confident even if I don't feel it. We live abroad and move around every couple of years so I suppose being the new person so often has made me practice these things.

The good thing about all the playdates etc is that the dcs are happy (mostly) playing and don't bug me as much. My 2 dds really seem to NEED friends whereas ds is quite happy on his own and friends are just an optional extra for him. Luckily he seems to have inherited dh's zoning out abilities so during busy playdates will go and find a quiet corner of the garden and hunt for snails.

oneplusone... it sounds like you're doing a better job than me at forcing yourself to chat to the other moms.

I do try, i drag myself to toddler group weekly and make small talk, i'm on the playschool commitee, i chat at pickup time but i have huge difficulty with the whole arranging playdates thing.

I don't think i'm forward enough and other moms see it as not being interested when really i just need someone to say 'Right, we're doing x on y day, what time is good for you?' or 'Does dd want to come round to ours tomorrow?'... luckily dd's best friends mother has older kids my age and seems well able to arrange things and take charge a little but most of the other mother say things like 'Oh, we must arrange an afternoon for dd to come round, x is keen to have her' and then leave it that.. so then i'm left having to approach them.

I also find other peoples kids gobsmackingly forward when they come... i've learned to cope with my own kids demands and loudness but when a strange child struts up and shouts 'I want juice and biscuits!' i tend to become quite unnerved Simply because i could never imagine behaving like that in a strangers house and it's a bit worrying when the kids you're supposed to be in charge of clearly have more confidance than you

I have been emailing the other mums to arrange playdates etc and find that so much easier. What i find hard is when there is a group of mums and I want to talk to one of them to arrange a playdate, i find it really hard to interrupt the group and always feel i come across as rude and abrupt and even when chatting i always feel i have put my foot in it in some way. I am much more comfortable when i have a mum over at my house and feel i am a bit more 'normal' and myself then. Whenever there is a group i get really nervous and either clam up or say something stupid. But it's very hard to avoid groups of mums as of course during school runs the mums all gather in a group.

I am also terrible when for eg. i am with a group of friends out for dinner. Other people seem to be able to talk to the whole table without getting shy and nervous and tongue tied, whereas i find it impossible. I am fine at chatting with the person next to me, but i could never speak out in front of the whole table and have them all watching and listening to me. And yet i would love to be able to do that, to tell funny stories and make everybody laugh. But i am like the silent dinner guest, i just listen and don't talk much (except on a one to one basis) and i always feel people must think i am so boring.

KTNoo and pinktulip thanks for the positive sentiment from you, unfortunately i don't feel as if i am doing at all well. I always feel like the other mums are all getting on so well and are getting to know each other whereas i tend to hang back and not join in and feel i am getting left behind. I talk to the mums of DD's friends and that's about it and even then i don't feel it's got beyond the superficial level.

LOL at KTNoo

The hardest thing about being at home with DCs for me is that they are always too busy to eat and I get really hungry and irritable because I want to go and make lunch and they always want to do another activity.

OPO - I too like head space. Partly my personality and partly because of my childhood issues. Kids do not allow head space! Especially highly energetic, extrovert children.

You are not a bad mum because of this. If only one personality type was suited to being a good mum, where would we be? Mums come in all shapes, sizes and personalities! I just try and grab quiet moments when I can but I think you might find you are a brilliant mum (not that you aren't now, you just maybe find it more challenging) when your kids are growing up and going through the teenage years. You won't be interfering but quiet and reflecting. You will understand some of the angst they will go through because of your own childhood difficulties. Those mums you see that seem to love all the mess, noise and planning might find it hard to let go when their kids are older. To stand back and see their kids as they are?

We all have something to offer to motherhood as long as we love our kids (and I know even this isn't always easy) and remember your kids love you because you are their mum not because of your personality type.

I love reading to my DS (because I love books and quiet) but can't be bothered with rough and tumble play. I hate playparks. My DS now has a love of books but maybe I am not so good at having a giggle with him and getting on the floor for a tickle (my DH doeas that!).

Hi rose, thanks for your post. I don't think I am a bad mother, it's just that i don't enjoy it which makes me think i am not suited to it.....right now. I am hopeful that as the DC's get older i will feel i am better suited to meeting their needs. I am definately not cut out for endless role play and pushing swings at the park etc etc.

I know my DC's are happy and people comment on how well behaved and charming and considerate they are so i suppose i must be doing something right. It's just that I am getting nothing out of it, other than the occasional moment of happiness at something the DC's say or do. But i don't feel fulfilled by motherhood so far, i need more. Whereas i know some mums are happy just being a mum and don't want or need anything else.

I think i said on another thread that i have realised that i am like a fish out of water. I spend my time with lots of full time SAHM's who are clearly happy as they are and have chosen to be SAHM. I did not chose to be at home full time, i ended up here due to various factors beyond my control. I think i would fit in far better if i was working and part of the group of working mums (ie the mums who would go mad being at home all the time) i know i would have far more in common with them and feel more 'normal'. As it is i keep comparing myself to the group of SAHM's i know and feel rubbish compared to them as they don't seem bored and unfulfilled. Some of them have part time non-professional type jobs and seem happy with those whereas i know i would be bored in that type of job. I would fit in much better with the part time professional job mums. I can see they enjoy spending time with their DC's when they are at home as on the other days their needs for adult interaction and mental stimulation have been met. But for me to try and re-enter the job market after 6 years of being SAHM feels daunting and almost impossible. And i don't want to go back to my old career, i want to do something completely different but i don't know where to start. I also feel old and jaded, not like when i was 18 and first went to uni and then 22 when i first started work. Then i was young, had bags of energy, no other committments or responsibilities. Now i have huge responsibilites to my family, am nearly 40, i do not have bags of energy or enthusiasm any more. I feel down a lot of the time and i can't see how or when i will ever feel better.

Oneplusone, you sound very like me. I arrange playdates by text message! There are always going to be the loud confident people but I don't think they are always the most genuinely confident. I would desribe myself as quietly confident - like you I wouldn't feel comfortable talking in front of a whole table of people either. But I actively seek out the quiet people - I think listeners are much easier than talkers, who often only seem to want to talk about themselves and their interests in my experience.

Sorry to hear you're not enjoying things at the moment though. It really sounds like you are at the point of needing a change. I am kind of waiting for this point too. I wanted to be a SAHM and still do, but I feel more and more that I do need something just for me as well, as they get older. Hopefully I'll have options when I really want this to happen. Would you consider doing voluntary work?

And Otherside...in our house lunchtime is often when Mummy is hungry!

Forgot to add too - I always wanted lots of children having been an only child myself, but sometimes now I can't quite remember why. Did not think this through!

OP, I also could have written your post! Thanks so much for starting this thread -I find it really interesting.

I agree with you about extroverted people finding elements of parenting 'easier'. I have friends who are very outgoing and are always organising get-togethers at each other's houses. I'm ashamed to say that I often don't go, because I can't face the stress of reciprocating . I have always struggled with things like school fayres and coffee mornings; I just don't feel comfortable in those situations.

I crave time to myself and need a lot of time to get my thoughts together, which doesn't happen most of the time. DD1 has Asperger's, so is quite demanding and dd2 is extremely noisy and tends to create chaos wherever she goes.

I was only thinking about this last night - feeling guilty because as much as I love the girls, I find myself getting irritable with them, or having times when I just wish I could be alone.

Yet, other people have commented on how much I do with the dc and how patient I am (!)

I am also hoping that I will find parenting more 'fun' as they get older and we leave the play-doh and role-play behind (I am so sick of playing with feckin Barbies!)
In years to come, I suppose I will be nostalgic for these days!

hi sibling, glad to have been of some help to you. I also struggle with get-togethers and coffee mornings. The trouble is i do like talking to people and want to make new friends, but everything seems to be done in a big group with all the mums in DD's class going along. I am much much happier in smaller groups, but it doesn't seem to work like that.

And i find the DC's infuriating at times too and yet i also get comments on how calm and patient I am with them! I am a very good actress it seems, as i certainly don't feel calm and patient inside. But i am a great one for bottling up my feelings and pretending all is ok and then either getting really ill/depressed/or exploding later. Not a good way of behaving but a habit i am finding it hard to break. But that's another thread altogether i suppose.

We sound very similar. I'm also much happier in small groups.

I think what I struggle most with is the constant background noise -dd2 doesn't pause for breath and I crave silence. Not a good mix! She's is gorgeous, though.

I feel a lot better knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel. And to nick your phrase, this thread has been a bit of a 'lighbulb moment' for me, too.

You all sound lovely to me - wonder if we could all meet up with no pressure!?