Hi all,Sorry this is long. But I can't work out what to do and it's taking over my mind...
My exH and I have had a good arrangement in terms of how time with our two kids is shared, since we separated 2 1/2 years ago. But, I was advised by the police yesterday that I should go via the courts, because the arrangement we had was allowing him to continue to be controlling. I was with the police because my partner reported him for assaulting me - which he did (again!).
My exH loves having the kids and is generally fine with them, although he doesn't get on with DD (very recently 6yrs) as well as he does DS (recently 8yrs), and often calls me (when he's meant to have the kids) to get me to collect her as "he's had enough of her". He has occasionally asked me to collect both kids, but it's mostly DD. He has also said a couple of times this year that he doesn't want DD staying with him until she learns to do this or that - like dress quicker. He says it in front of her and makes her cry. He also 'cuffs' (her word) her round the head when she annoys him and denies her stories, then gives DS a story, so she cries herself to sleep, etc.
I'm always there for my kids, so I don't mind. Plus I've got my baby DD2 now, so it's not like I have plans that will be ruined. So, I'm never annoyed at him wanting me to have them even at short notice.
But, because my ex has always been so controlling (and always right!) he tends to have a go at me a lot and try to tell me what to do with the kids when I have them. Also, the schedule is based around how it was when we were together, so he doesn't have them when it's his usual pub night, or his swimming club night, etc., so in some ways he treats me like his glorified babysitter, rather than their mother. He has never respected me, because of the factI come from a council estate as a child (calls me council scum!) although, I do have a professional job, am better educated than he is and have better paid job than he does! But still, he often refers to my upbringing and thinks I don't do things very well because of that.
Also, he arranges for the kids to go on journeys with other people and doesn't tell me, but I find out. And sharing of clothes causes rows, amongst so many other things. I manage to keep calm and just ignore it most of the time. But, then sometimes we end up in a row and he becomes physically aggressive (in front of the children). He criticised me for not giving the kids 'greens' for the tea the other day, which is rare for us, as we generally always cook healthy meals.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, the police think I should take the kids away for a few weeks (I would if I had the money) then go through the family courts to sort out contact. I'm wondering if there's anyone who can advise me of whether it would be worth doing that, and if so what would I offer my exH regarding contact whilst that's happening? what do other people do regarding access?
I've always felt sorry for absent fathers, especially those who wanted the relationship to work and didn't want to leave their children. My exH didn't want me by the way, but still, I want things to be fair, for the kids' sake.
I would happily have my kids 24/7 and actually I hate sharing them; I almost committed myself to a life-sentence of unhappiness with my exH so I didn't need to share the kids. Still, I want to do what's right. Oh and my DS wants to see both of us an equal amount of time, my DD isn't really too bothered. Any advice would help. My mind is constantly thinking about it.
My exH will be interviewed by the police tomorrow and I think he's receive a caution. He'll think he's right to do what he did - knowing him! But I expect he'll bear no grudges about being reported. I'm just not sure what to do. I didn't let him have the kids yesterday afternoon for the few hours he has them every Tue (before his pub night) and he's supposed to have them tomorrow afternoon and overnight.
I was going to suggest that my exH sort out the things that are causing him huge stress (Tax returns, VAT, etc.), things leading to huge fines as he's so overdue (like 5k each fine!) and in that time stop or reduce contact he has. Because without me to pick on, I worry he'll pick on our DD. My exH is so controlling and she's little rebel (anyone know of Horrid Henry), so they fall out a lot, my DS is like Perfect Peter!!
Sorry it's long. But it's doing my head in. Any advice would be appreciated.