DS being really naughty recently hitting me and the cat - people are saying tap his hand but I feel really uncomfortable - am I being soft?

[SemperEadem]

DS is 2.4, recently he has started hitting me when frustrated - once so hard around my face at toddler group that I heard a few gasps amongst the other Mums. I took his hand away, told him that was wrong and that Mammy was very upset with him and promptly took him home.

He has stopped doing that but has now started hitting, kicking and throwing things at the Cat. I have repeatedly told him it is wrong, removed him form the room, got down to his level etc etc but he simply carries on.

I am fed up with it as the poor old cat doesn't deserve that at all. She simply puts up with it and has never retaliated but its just not fair.

People are saying I should tap his hand. I've never done this cause I feel uncomfortable about smacking and surely a tap on the hand is still smacking? Or am I just being tooooooo soft?

Any tips on how else to deal with this or are the rest of the family right in sayiong I am too soft?

TIA.

You might argue that pain is nature's way of telling you to stop doing something.

A light smack on the leg, rather than on hand, was used by my sister and myself for many years particularly when the children were doing something dangerous.

Extended, if that's the case then why the "light smack"? Why not really give them a wallop and teach them a proper lesson?

Hitting is not dangerous, it's just socially unacceptable. Hitting back just teaches children that it's OK to do it.

It can take a very long time for the repeated verbal "NO" messages to sink in, but in my experience it does work in the end. Smacking may sometimes work instantly, but what is it really teaching a child? And what if your child just laughs and says "doesn't hurt"?!

Smacking children is not "socially unacceptable" as a blanket term. It might be unacceptable to a proportion of the population but this proportion varies greatly depending on sex, age, martital status, socio-economic status and the rest.

I meant children hitting is socially unnacceptable. Extended said that she hit her children to stop them doing "something dangerous". I was just pointing out that hitting, while bad behaviour, is not dangerous.

But I do think that smacking children is unnacceptable too.

Children learn by copying our behaviour. So when you smack a child you are teaching them that they need to use violence to get what they want.

It sounds to me as though you are dealing with it perfectly from your OP. FWIW my DD did the same thing when she has about two and a half and now at three is the cats best buddy.

Keep at it and make sure that you cat gets extra cuddles when DD is in bed.

Ds (2.8) is deposited on the bottom step/a spot by himself/whatever is convenient with a firm 'We don't hit people/the cat, it hurts. Hurting people makes them sad' and walk away. When the anger has subsided I expect an apology (and we usually have a hug) and move on.

I've never understood the logic of telling a child that a certain behaviour is wrong and then doing the same thing to them. It just creates a sense of unfairness that festers.

Someone on here (I forget posting name) says that that's twaddle and there's no testosterone surge, just a myth made up by Steve Biddulph and co. I have no independent scientific knowledge, but I checked my copy of Raising Boys and he doesn't cite any references at all for his assertion that there's a testosterone surge at around four, even though he cites references for plenty of other things.

Dd did a massive drawing on the walls thing just after ds was born. After overreacting/shouting/consequences/taking pens away... in the end what worked was ignoring it completely (once we established she knew it was wrong). For hitting , I guess that would be walking away (or picking him up and removing him somewhere else) without saying a word and ignoring him til he engages positively with you. And not mentioning the hitting at all. Worth a try?

Sorry all - have been really busy the past few days with dh working away!

KTN - to be honest I was just so shocked that he had hit me so hard! It brought tears to my eyes and then the obvious embarassment that he had done it in front of a room full of Mums and Toddlers. I couldn't get out of there fast enough! To be fair to him he hhasn't done it again (well not like that anyway!). It was complete frustration as another toddler at the group had ran up and taken a toy off him and I was just in the process of getting it back for him when he turned to me and lashed out!

I think the cat may have actually retaliated yesterday. I was in the kitchen with the back door open and ds was toddling about in the garden (6ft walls, locked 6 ft gate etc so can't go anywhere!). I took my eyes off him for a few mins whilst putting some washing in the machine and then went back out to him - he had a scratch down one of his cheeks, he may have done it himself as when trimming his nails the other day, he got bored after 7 and refused to let me do the others so a couple are slightly sharper than usual or he has gone for her again.

She lies under his sandpit out of the way and he often leans in and under to try and pull her tail. I think maybe she has gone for a warning strike at him. No harm done, there were no tears, so just cleaned him up and put sudocrem on.

Thing is I really don't think it was her as she has put up with some hefty kicking and pulling of tails, and I mean really dragging her backwards by it and she has never retaliated once .

He was doing it again this morning and as soon as I said stop that now, he did .

Lets hope it continues!

Aw LilRed - thats nice to hear!

I do try & give her extra loves as am terrified she is going to get fed up and move out!

She really hates us all today though as she has been wormed & frontlined all in one day and has gone to lay her fluffy, black, moulting frame on my nice, newly washed WHITE bed linen in protest

Oh dear.. when I read your OP I was wondering what cat-people were...

With DS I hold his hand very firmly, which he hates. Makes him more angry actually, but I think he gets the message.. I hope!

No, don't smack him. Your instincts are right, you know it's wrong - we all know hitting people who are smaller than us is wrong, really

We have "there is no hitting in this house - we do not solve our problems with violence" too

would be a bit wonky if we were to wallop them (however "light" the blow" ) when they did something that displeased us

I've really struggled with the same issue over the last few months as DD (2.8) was hitting and chasing the cats and hitting and kicking the dogs and me. I tried so many things, naughty step (she found it hysterical), teaching to stroke nicely, telling her it was wrong and upset mummy/cat/dog etc.

To the honest the only thing that worked was to stop giving her any attention when she misbehaved, as she was just feeding off the emotions and attention and becoming hyper and behaving even worse. As soon as the behaviour started I'd conversationally tell her it wasn't good to do that to the cat/dog/mummy and we'd go straight off and do something else to distract her.

I'm not sure if this actually did the trick or if she was just about to grow out of the behaviour anyway, but the hitting etc has stopped, virtually overnight, as she now doesn't get any attention at all for it. This strategy also helped me a lot as well, as I stopped focussing on the bad behaviour and started paying attention to the new activity instead, worked wonders for my temper and blood pressure.

sheeta - glad that wasn't just me

I had a picture of these strange old ladies with houses full of manky cats telling the op to hit her children

at the cat - people! I know my instincts are right Greensleeves but I just had a moment of doubt when all I was hearing was "oh you need to tap his hand to make him realise what he is doing". I always used to just deflect their opinions (politely) of course, but it was getting harder and harder to do when my way seemed to be just not working!!!

Glad I have stuck to my guns though. I am firmly anti smacking but was starting to get a bit worn down by the comments

glad this is not just us...ds is 2.3 and the dog has been having a hard time of it for a while : he is now kicking and hitting me too. we have tried naughty step but he just runs off it laughing and pursues the dog again: the only thing that seems to help is immediate withdrawal of whatever privilege is going (if you hit the dog we're going to have to come in from the garden; if you hit mummy im not going to play with you). it works at the time, ie he says sorry and showers the dog with effusive stroking and hugging (possibly more alarming for the poor mutt than the whacking), but 15 mins later and we're back where we started. it's not angry hitting - he's laughing as he does it - it's all a game to him and the more i react to it, the more funny he finds it.
for those who say it's just a phase and it will sink in/ they will grow out of it, how long did that take? (desperate emoticon...)

Greensleeves wrote ?we all know hitting people who are smaller than us is wrong, really?

What a strange thing to say.

I don't "know" anything of the sort - therefore what you say is incorrect.

Is war always wrong, is self-defence always wrong? I think not. Is hitting somebody bigger than me OK then?

Is inflicting a small amount of pain to avoid a much larger pain later always wrong. In my view it is responsible parenting. Have a look at the surveys to see how little support the no smacking supporters have - not even a majority.

You don't know that it is wrong to hit people who are smaller than us ?? Children are people doncha know

And you are linking war and methods of disciplining a toddler?