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Parenting

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Original poster

OMG 11yo DS just came in with lovebite Need advice please.

54 replies

BettySwollux · 31/07/2009 22:11

DS1 turns 12 next month, and as a rule is a pretty sensible boy,we have extended his boundaries and curfew recently with good results.
Tonight he was at the park a couple of miles away and was supposed to start walking home with his friend at 8.30 to get home for 9.

9.15 comes and no sign of him,so DH rings and asks if he's nearly home.
No, little bugger is still at the park!!
DH gets in car to pick him up and DS rings to say he is on the way with a friend's parent.

So,I was prepared to have a chat about boundaries etc tomorrow (he has a friend sleeping over tonight) and then see he has a lovebite on either side of his neck.

I'm speechless TBH I told himto go to bed and we will talk tomorrow.
Needless to say, he is grounded till they,ve gone, but please help me out here, I thought I had a couple of more years before this happened.
What would you say?
Have I given him too much freedom too young? He is the youngest in the school year (although quite mature for his age -or so I thought) and his mates are up to a year older and I didnt want himto feel left out IYSWIM.

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Original poster

BettySwollux · 31/07/2009 23:34

Sorry,I seem to be putting you all on the defensive, I haven't thought anyone was having a go, and really appreciate all views and advice.

Thank You

OP posts:

pseudoname · 31/07/2009 23:44

then tomorrow put on your serious face, speak softly in low tones and say that you are really sad that his curfew is now back to 8.30. that you were really sure that he was more mature but you are surprised to see that you are wrong... (keep violins playing) that this can only mean that it will take some time to rebuild your trust .... because it has hurt you and dh to see that he has abused a hard won privilege ....

the dots are longish pauses. ime you should see them shrink a cm at a time with each phrase and once he's 3 cm shorter you can start to build them back up

Metella · 31/07/2009 23:45

I'm sure he's a little star, Betty, and will probably feel quite stupid in the morning when he sees the "handiwork".

Be gentle with him - growing up is hard, isn't it!?

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simplesusan · 01/08/2009 21:17

Not sure what advice to offer really.
I have a 12 year old dd and she is not allowed to go further than to the local shop which is across the road from the bottom of our estate. She doesn't really like to roam around as such though and spends most of her time at afterschool or doing her hobby. Rambling now but could you encourage him to take up a hobby so as he doesn't have as much "free time" to kill so to speak.
I may be over cautious but like my children to be very local unless accompanied by an adult.
Don't know how I would broach the subject of the opposite sex but you must speak to him, and soon.

branflake81 · 02/08/2009 08:33

I think there is no problem with his curfew and being in the park and to be frank am quite shocked that some people don't let their 12 year olds out of sight - how on earth do they get to school?

Original poster

BettySwollux · 02/08/2009 12:25

He has a ton of hobbies. Cricket, football, basketball and aikido. Also very into xbox, music, computers and likes reading.

Had a good talk with him, covered girls, sex, std's, pregnancy,condoms, peer pressure, trust, boundaries and how to say no without feeling/looking like a twit.

I have told him that no matter what he has done, there will never be anyone more willing to stand and fight his corner if needed,that I will always,always love him,and he can come to me for anything and I will help him and be on his side.

As I said before,he is quite a sensible boy,and I do trust him.

I remember snogging boys at this age,and dont think it's a huge thing to get upset about, after all, this is how we learn about relationships with the opposite sex.

He said he and his girlfriend were cuddling and having a bit of a kiss,and the lovebite just "sorta happened", he didnt realise what she was doing, but now knows for the future.

Everybody makes mistakes (that's why there are rubbers on the end of pencils) all that matters is if you learn from them.

OP posts:

kormachameleon · 02/08/2009 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffles · 02/08/2009 12:48

this is really tricky because no matter what we think about it, has he really done something really 'bad'?

i mean, was he ever told 'don't ever get a lovebite'?

i think that it's time for some serious chat and i'd be trying to put him off ever getting one again but i don't think he can be punished too harshly - i mean, letting a girl suck your neck is not really 'bad' is it? it's not like bullying someone or damaging property or even being noisy in the park and annoying neighbours. he hasn't hurt anybody really.

pseudoname · 02/08/2009 14:02

because the mum knows already what his sexual orientation is. that humour is disarming so teen boys esp can talk more openly with you - not just for the now but building block for the future.

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 18:59

he's eleven, he might not even know yet.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 02/08/2009 20:27

Hey all, can we stop the attack on pseudo?
I know what she meant, it wasn't meant in a kind of manner,or to have a go at all.Just perhaps a lighthearted way of opening aa convo with him.

DS does know his sexual orientation,although I have told him I dont care either way,as long as it's what he wants and he's happy.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 20:29

what attack? i think her advice is really bad.

Paolosgirl · 02/08/2009 20:36

It all depends on the context, doesn't it. As Sue says, it's good to use humour to keep the channels open in a lighthearted way - and Betty has already made it clear to her DS that she doesn't care either way, although her DS knows his orientation. Most 11/12 year olds have a good idea of that.

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 20:41

nope. it's bad advice. i know plenty of gay men whose mothers thought they were straight as a die right up until they came out. saying 'i hope it was a girl' is clearly stating that is does matter to the parent, regardless of whatever else they've said in the past. it's in a moment of 'crisis' that people's real attitudes show, and i think an eleven year old knows that already.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 02/08/2009 20:46

Yes Aitch, I agree that in that context it would be the wrong thing to say, but I dont think thats how pseudo meant it,just in a jokey open up the convo joshing type manner.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 02/08/2009 20:46

I'm sure neither Sue nor Betty are at all homophobic, and I'm sure Betty knows her own son a better than you do. If she has is OK with what Sue suggested, and has already told him that she doesn't mind then I'm sure that an 11 year old knows that already (being the parent of one myself).

pseudoname · 02/08/2009 20:47

relax H.

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 20:53

er, at no point WHATSOEVER did i suggest that anyone was being homophobic. if you all know each other in RL or are pals from one of the chat threads, could you make that clear? because nothing i've said is in any way an attack or out of order, to justify this response.

'sue' just gave some shit advice, that's all. it's a bad idea to express to your eleven year old child that you will be displeased if they're gay, full stop. it offers a judgement on what might be their life in the future and will almost certainly be the life of some their friends.

and as for 'relax, h', i'm perfectly relaxed. i just think that your advice on this issue is really bad. i'm allowed to think that, amn't i?

Paolosgirl · 02/08/2009 20:59

No, don't know either of them in RL or from a chat thread! Add yes, of course you are allowed to think what you like, but then so is everyone else. As I said, it all depends on the context.

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 21:03

you don't know 'Sue' from elsewhere and are sticking up for her on that basis?

right.

luckylady74 · 02/08/2009 21:12

I had a love bite at a similar age and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17 and nobody I have ever had sex with gave me a love bite! Hope that helps!

Original poster

BettySwollux · 02/08/2009 21:14

Words on a screen.
Sometimes it's difficult to place the tone or context IYSWIM.
Can everyone please chill out,or I shall have to drag DS down the stairs and beat him soundly saying, "See what you've caused now!"

Disclaimer; totally joking.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 02/08/2009 21:20

No, I don't know Sue from anywhere, I promise! Someone earlier in this thread called her Sue and it's easier to type that than psuedoname. Honestly, what a reaction!

Paolosgirl · 02/08/2009 21:21

I just misspelt pseudoname there, didn't I.

AitchTwoOh · 02/08/2009 21:24

no, you are missing the point, it's not about tone or context at all. i completely believe that 'sue' would mean it as a joke, to relieve tension etc.

it's just that as well as relieving tension it also establishes that you have a preference as to your child's sexual identity, which is dangerous at that age, not to mention running contrary to what you've said before.

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