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Original poster

my ex huband wants his girlfriend to care for dd to make arrangement more 50/50 i really need advice

61 replies

princessdaisyboo · 23/07/2009 09:17

we have been seperated for just over 2 years and have always tried to split custody as fairly as possible, our 3.5dd sleeps at his house 3 or 4 nights a week alternating, his sets nights are wed, thurs,fri each week, and alternating sat night. DD attends nursery mon, wed, fri 9-3 and we each pay half. I am currently on maternity(have DS from new relationship) leave but am going to stay off work for an extra year so i can continue looking after my children myself as dd only starts school 2010.

Therefore ex collects dd from me on wed evening on way home from work then drops her back off with me on thurs morn and collects her again on thurs evening. on fri again he drops her with me to take her to nursery then i collect her at 3 and she is with me until he finishes work.

His girlfriend is now on maternity leave as they have a 3 week old baby and what ex is proposing is that she will collect dd from nursery on a wed, have her all day thurs and then again take her and collect her from nursery on a friday, he says that this will give her more structure.

I have said no to this, he was furious. The arrangement is between him and me not his girlfriend (who i dont have a problem with at all) but why would i agree to someone else caring for my child when i am not at work for the sole reason to care for dd myself.

we did not have any custody agreed when we divorced as i thought we were able to sort it amicably between ourselves, but now the divorce and settlement has been done i feel like he is trying to bully me into this.

he text me at 10pm last night saying dd will be staying here tomorrow with girlfriend so i wont be dropping her of. i rang him and said i had made plans for today (which i have) and he cant just text me so late he day before. I am as flexible as possible but i dont want to agree to this, and think im going to have to get some legal advice???????

sorry its so long and complicated

OP posts:

edam · 23/07/2009 15:45

Bonsoir - there may be a trend towards it, but my point is I'm not sure it is wise and the trend is too recent for us to know whether it works. But Trikken's post is very interesting.

Strikes me that 50:50 is the opposite of child-centric. Brings to mind the Judgment of Solomon.

BonsoirAnna · 23/07/2009 15:56

Living in a 50:50 household, I would say that the most dangerous thing about it is that it becomes too child-centric! It is all too easy for the whole of life to start revolving around when we are all together, with all jobs and chores done when the boys aren't here. Which is bad for everyone!

From experience, I think that 50:50 is the arrangement where children get the cushiest arrangement for them as they get a lot of attention from both households. I think that is the whole point of it!

edam · 23/07/2009 17:21

Ah, so there are some significant advantages for the lazy teenager, then?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

BonsoirAnna · 23/07/2009 17:32

I think there are some advantages, yes .

Anyway, the whole point of 50:50 is so that children see more of their parents, not more of the insides of their parents' homes or their parents' new families.

Barstardio · 23/07/2009 17:34

I know a boy who has been brought up living with his mum for two weeks, then his dad for two weeks.

Not ideal but he seems Ok. ish. I think all the messing about in the week must be quite unsettling, but I understand why you don't want her gone for a longer period of time.

Can I just say I really have a mental block about men who insist on 50/50.

I am not certain but think there might be research to show children need a primary residence, a primary carer, in order to be at their best. Having two might be difficult to deal with - or it might not.

Hope you can work it out - whether or not you are being reasonable, HE definitely isn't, telling you what to do like that

Cesario · 23/07/2009 17:38

I think 50/50 rarely suits the children.

BonsoirAnna · 23/07/2009 17:41

A friend of mine who is also a stepmother has her DSS in term time and he spends the holidays with his mother, and her DSD (same mother) on a two week on, two week off basis, throughout the year.

Plus she has another two children with her DH.

They let the children choose where they want to live at the beginning of each school year. The only caveat is that the children must stick to whatever they have chosen for the whole school year.

BonsoirAnna · 23/07/2009 17:43

Have you talked to many children about that, Cesario?

Cesario · 23/07/2009 18:47

BA, I have had many discussions into the night with a barrister friend of mine who works only with children and family law. He is very clear that children need one stable home.

BonsoirAnna · 23/07/2009 18:57

Barristers don't know the first thing about child welfare - try talking to families with experience! You might have your eyes opened.

Children can have two stable homes, you know

Original poster

princessdaisyboo · 23/07/2009 19:31

aargh this is making me so confused but helping at the same time, what i would like to happen is that dd no longer stays with him on a wed night at it is pointless if he only picks her up at 6 then drops her off at 8.30 am (although now is gf is off work i am happy to collect dd on thurs am a bit later to allow her to get up and ready at her leisure)So then he could pick her up on a thurs night and he can arrange for his gf to take and collect dd from nursery on a friday. Therfore she has a more continuous care from thurs evening through to sat/sun. but i dont think he would ever agree to this as i would be cutting his hours down even though she is only really asleep there on a wed.
i am willing to compromise with him but its this wanting her to stay there for full days while he is at work and im at home that i just cant agree to. I have told him tonight that during the school holidays she can spend some thursdays there as gf also has an 8 year old son who my dd gets on well with, so they can play together but i am not agreeing to it to become permenant.

I dont really want to take the legal route and have everthing set in stone as i feel its better for us all to be flexible, plus as she gets older her needs will change etc.

DD seems fine with how it works, even though its quite choppy sometimes she says "when am i going to days, and how many nights for but she very very rarely gets upset or does not want to go and vice versa.

what other ways could we change it, her nursery days can be changed to make it fit in better?

OP posts:

Cesario · 23/07/2009 19:45

Anna, yes they can, I agree but they need one place where they know their boundaries.

In my line of work I see this all the time.

thesouthsbelle · 23/07/2009 20:00

I think he's after the whole more time and nights sleeping thing because he's done his homework & realised he doesn't have to pay you maintenance.

50/50 i'm not a fan of myself. DS sees his dad every other weekend and talks to him on the telephone when ever he wants to.

Whilst I understand your X's intrest in doing things 50/50 to be 'fair' is it fair on your DD?

yes she does need to ahve a good relationship with her other sibling as well, but not at the expense of the relationship with your other child. iycwim.

try suggesting to him that he collects her thursday after his work, and she stays thursday night. instead of weds.

On one hand it's better for her to have blocks of time with her dad as opposed to being pushed to and fro, but I too wouldn't be happy at all - and he would know as well that you are the primary carer, and your house is her main home - not his. to that end she should be with u more, and staying with him on a thursday isn't on.

Are you sure he's not thinking of the sole residency route?

Trikken · 23/07/2009 20:00

they can have two stable homes, but its not stable if its changing between two places each day.

thesouthsbelle · 23/07/2009 20:03

another option possibly in fact is to change her nursery to 3 days on the trot, say mon, tues weds, and have he sees her from fri night to monday morning one week, (3 nights) and then from sunday to weds the next week, (3 nights again) you pick her up on weds day. that way you both spend every other weekend with her, and when she stays with him during the week she's at nursery - would that be possible?

jellybeans · 23/07/2009 21:27

'I'm always suspicious of 50:50 tbh. Think it is more about the parents (or one of them) trying to split the child in half than about the needs of that child. '
I agree with edam totally and the other posters. I also think it is weird them insisting on having your child when one of her parents (you) are avaliable. I would seek legal advice as it seems he is treating her like a possesion. I think it's unlikely he will get 50/50 time as it is not (yet anyway) the norm.

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 07:55

Cesario - children deal with different boundaries at home, at school, at extra-curricular activities, in public places... They can (very easily) deal with differing boundaries in two homes! Where the 50:50 thing falls down, IMO, is if one home is a functioning household and one home is dysfunctional - in that case, it would be better for a child to have his functional household/family as his/her main residence.

I know a lot of families doing 50:50 - I think that all the blended families I know here in Paris basically do shared residency - and it works brilliantly for the children.

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 07:58

I also think that for shared residency to work well (for everyone concerned) both homes must be physically very close so that access to school, friends, extra-curricular activities is easy. My DSSs can get around on bus or scooter from both their homes so it has no impact on their life outside the home.

MadameCastafiore · 24/07/2009 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 08:07

MadameCastafiore - you are not quite right there. When parents have contact time, it is not up to them entirely what they do with their children during that time: if they regularly choose not to be present with their children during that time, the other parent has every right to request more contact if he/she is available to care for the child.

LeninGrad · 24/07/2009 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

princessdaisyboo · 24/07/2009 09:00

madam c, another reason i dont want the change is the fact that im not going back to work for at least another one to two years until dd starts school at least (sep 2010), so one of my points is what would happen when is gf goes back to work,

If my ex was at home and i said that my dp was going to care for dd all day there is no way he would allow it, its happened before.
dd does bond with the new family she is there, every other weekend she is there from friday 5pm till sunday at 6pm

as ive said before i dont have a problem with his gf and i think she looks after dd very well. in fact just off to meet her now to pick dd up so maybe i will ask her of her feelings ?

bonsoir anna thanks for all your comments on this x

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 09:14

IME it really does take an awful lot of thinking through of all the possible residency scenarii to be sure that everyone is getting a good deal. But, first and foremost (as you are very much aware!), it is your DD's agenda that is at stake, and ensuring she spends as much time as possible in the company of one or other of her parents. All other considerations are totally subsidiary!

MadameCastafiore · 24/07/2009 09:24

Actually when we were in court with regards to access and residence of DD the judge made a point of saying to XH that whilst DD was with me I was responsible for her care and if I had to work I had to put in place arrangements for childcare even if he were off work at that time he did not have any right to step in and demand that he look after DD.

And whilst your DD is with you if your DP had to look after her that would have nothing to do with your XH.

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 09:27

MadameC - you are talking about two WOHM parents in your case. Which is quite different to the OP's situation.

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