Hi parenting with a 11 year old girl from a single parent

[londonparent]

Hi

I just wandered if anyone can give me tips.

I have a 11 year old daughter.

I broke up with her mum over a year ago,however Ive noticed that due to her mother hardly being around she does spend more time with me understandable..(not complaining) love her to bits but does seem to behave with seeking annoyminity,i.e feels that the next school she goes to she will be okay (comprehensive)that because no-one knows her there she will feel better, believes that people do not like her currently at her current school. Ive discussed with her teachers who she uses as a confidante sometimes

I get the impression she feels she wants to run away from things, a trait her mother and her family tend to do and I have discussed this, why she seeks being annoymous...I praise her, encourage her etc
the problem I have that any work I do with her I feel gets undone when she returns to ex-partners home
after a lengthy absense from her mum
Her mum...(yes I know your only reading one side of the story ) has hardly ever seen her within the last 2 months and hardly enquired about her daughter, picked her daugher up yesterday and is bringing her back to me today.
I have no family and feel sometimes very down...need to talk someone etc
I just want my child to grow up a be a good role model
Her mothers side does not fit that bill...no ambition , very drama driven and very negative
I do not want my child to stop seeing her mother etc...but also I do not want any good work I do with her undone, the mother is of the opinion, let her do what she wants to do...will not discuss and goes for the easy option or dumps her with me
Looking forward I would rather her stay with me full time....any advice etc

So your dd is not very happy at school atm. Did the teachers have any ideas about why that might be?

I am not sure I understood: your dd lives mostly with you atm but the idea originally was that she would live at her mums and see you regularly? And as it is, she's coming and going and it is all a bit haphazard, is that it?

Hi

Yep it is very hap-hazard at the mo
I am also in the throes of moving, but with the belief for DD to become settled

And yes the idea was that she lived with her Mum
and see me regularly but this is not how it`s happening..

re school, I have been trying to establish why she was unhappy..this even before the break-up of her parents...she was bullied to a small degre, however this was sorted,I think this happened because she is /was very innocent, saw the good in people...but also shy

apols for the spelling

It's all a bit unsettled atm then. She's coming and going but no regular set-up she's moving schools and you're moving house and then the marriage broke up.

Maybe things will fall into place with a bit more time.

Have you ever suggested to the mum that dd make her regular home with you so she can feel a bit more settled, especially with a change to a new school coming up. Would be nice for her if the home life was more steady maybe. Do you think your ex would agree to try that since she seems very busy anyway?

Friends of mine with a ds that age each have him stay for half the school week, so Sunday night- Wed am with the mum say and Wed afternoon- Frid morning Dad. They take turns with weekends. It seems to work for them, they both have a bit of a break and the son is at home in both homes. They live maybe a 30 minute drive apart. Both work full-time but are both responsible nvolved dp so they can make it work. Your ex sounds more hands-off. Some kind of clear arrangment of that type which you can stick to might work too.

I am actually really trying to focus on getting DD settled and make a regular home for her before she starts new school in September, she is , after some persuasion going to a different school...other too far away

the mother is a mature student...but is very much hands off...new boyfriend...other interests!!