Father emigrating

[looneymum]

Hi. I am at my wits end. My soon to be ex husband is emigrating to Aus in the next few months to be with his partner and her children who have recently moved to Aus. I have done my utmost since he left (18 months ago) to facilitate a relationship with our two DDs (age 4 and 7). During this time he has cancelled and messed around with the arrangements - often cancelling at the last min and has refused to continue to pay for them to go to the private school that he insisted they go to before he left. He is leaving us financially strapped as he insists he will not have a job when he moves overseas. As you can detect, communication is poor and I am presently trying to get him to sign the consent order to finish the whole horrid business.

Anyway, I gather through my eldest daughter that he wants us to have a web cam so that the children can keep in touch with him and his parents/family. He insists he must be allowed to get on with his "new life" whilst it would seem I must have his ugly baldy head appear on a web cam. He has told the children that he is buying a house with a pool and lots of animals (!) and they are obviously very excited. Seemingly his parents will accompany the children to Aus.... all of this without me even being involved in the discussions! What can I do. My poor girls don't understand that they wont be able to pop over to see him for the weekend and that you can't cuddle a webcam. I will be left again trying to deal with high emotion, no money and trying to explain what he has done in the nicest possible way. Please help me. I don't want a cam in the house but when they are older they will think I am horrible ... and I am just trying to protect them and let us have a chance at our life without tears and upset....xxx

He sounds like a complete tool. There is not much that you can do about this uunfortunately, and your focus can only be your dds. Have they moved school now? I can understand you not wanting a webg cam but I think that you need to go with this for the children and let them. He needs to provide it though. DO you have the financial stuff in place? Get the divorce finalised asap. This whole horrible mess is recoverable from and there is a life of happiness ahead for you and your daughters. My ds1 now has no contact at all with this dad - this was unimaginable a few years ago, but I have remarried and we are now a happy family unit of 4. It is do-able. Good luck, a day at a time.

And remember that Australia has a reciprocal agreement with the UK CSA, so themoment he starts working, he starts paying. They are quite efficient I'm told.

Hi Moopy. Thx for your message. They haven't moved school yet... I am desperately trying to sort something out. The school are being extremely helpful and my poor retired parents are hopefully going to give over their pensions! He is such a f*king w**ker... (so sorry have never sworn so much since he left). The thought of him and his family still being able to control our lives, even tho he is around the other side of the world is unbearable. The latest was last Friday when he cancelled paying SKY telly... he now only pays the mortgage and nastily cancelled all utilities last xmas. Anyway I have had to tell DDs that mummy cant aford SKY. I gather this weekend he has told them that I can and that it is only £30 per month.... aarrrggghhh... I feel so controlled. I can only imagine the happiness of moving on... I thought I may say that it is unlikely I will have broadband... so no webcam... would prefer to use the money on electricity and perhaps some food..... Perhaps he will just forget about them and we can all move on. Thanks again. x

Thanks Slug. Good to know about the Aussie CSA. They really can't be worse then here! I get £21.66 per month for two kids. He is the MD of his company yet declares minimum wage. I have applied for a variance with the CSA - they don't return my calls. He pays me separately a nominal monthly payment and of course deducts the £21.66 from this. He is a very clever accountant and seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to barely support his children... even tho he will go on to earn. I dont care tho anymore... I just want to move on... money is really not everything. I just wish I didn't have to have the intrusion of the webcam thing.... I feel so trapped. xx

Deep breathe - he is going, you will be more or less free of him. Have you got a solicitor? Use them - set down in writing the windows for contact and what you need financially for this to happen i.e. he has to contribute.

Kids are remarkably flexible - my two now accept we don´t have much money even though Daddy does. My ex- left me with enormous debts and has refused to contribute for our boys for over a year. You do survive because you have to and the bitterness passes pretty quickly because the children are so much more important than some idiot doing the wrong thing. Hold on to the MN norm - you cannot control him and you cannot make him do the right thing but you can get on with your own life and live it well.

I would get a webcam and skype - like everything else they can be turned on and off.

Good luck with sorting the school out - are you sure changing them wouldn´t make life better? Mine are moving this year and I have always been worried sick by this but having done it (we are moving countries), I am positive it is going to work out OK.

Take care - keep going and remember your children are going to be fine, they have you and your very supportive family.

Thx V. Your message made me well up.... everyone is so kind. The main thing to come out of this horror (apart from my lovely beautiful girls who are just fab) is how so supportive mostly everyone is.

I do have a solicitor. I have spent the equivalent of the deposit on a small house in bills and am still left with just enough to move on. If stb ex wont settle on this meagre arrangement then it is final court hearing in Jan... he will have to come back from Aus if he has gone by then. I will be penniless should it go that far.

Re the school. They love the school. I know it is going to be so hard to keep them there. My eldest left the other school in the area and it is the only one she can go back to. I couldnt do it to her. Too many changes for them but I obviously understand that I can only do what I can. I will review it as and when I really can't manage.

You are right about Skype and the web.. of course they can be turned off. It will have to be a set time/day thing. Am not sure even where to start on that. It is that whole control thing that is just so unbearable.

So many thanks for sharing your story too. Really good luck with all your plans. We will be happily ever after! xx

Loo - you are taking control, you set down the days and times, so they fit it with the rest of your lives and remember to have the flexibility written in i.e. should my client not be at home, you can ring the children on this mobile ..... (blah, blah).

My solicitor has been worth every penny and I have had to borrow it from my Mother but from what the solicitor said this is quite common - parents to the rescue.

I actually agree with you about the school - as in, you priortise what is important to you and your family and then, try and make it happen. My mantra is "it is only money" but even so, accepting my Mum´s help and life´s savings has been really hard emotionally and the financial consequences are very long-term for us.

Don´t forget, your ex- may simply disappear once he gets to Oz and all he is saying now, may turn out to be hot air. Similarly, I can´t imagine him coming back for a court date, unless he is a real control freak.

Small steps - the kids are worth it.

Hi V. Thx again. Can I pick your brains further. What about when he thinks his parents can take them over to Aus for the hols. Firstly, I am in the north of england and his parents are in the south. His father is a terrible driver and I would be unhappy they drive them up and down the country in one hit. The kids are surely too young to be out of my sight for any longer that two weeks. It would break my heart... no communication etc. He has made them promises about visiting. I don't know how to address it.... it's that damn control thing again... he is so damn unreasonable and is only thinking about himself, his new life and not there welfare at all..... more help please. xxx

Right, worse case scenario is - will it really ever happen? The price for bringing two children and his parents over to Australia is going to be enormous - will there ever be the available funds? I´d say him simply disappearing out of their lives is the worst for them, worst as in your girls deserve a loving, caring father, even if he lives in Australia.

Best case scenario would be he keeps his word, is in contact regularly, sends them letters, parcels, emails, speaks on the webcam, contributes for them financially and supports you emotionally. Pigs might fly? Anyhow, should this happen, you will feel strong enough to encourage them to go. You could even take them down to Heathrow and meet up with the GPs there.

It will work out, I promise you, because you are putting them first. Keep breaking every situation down to small steps and remember you can´t put his relationship with your DDs right, you only have to facilitate it.

Great advice V - thanks. I know it will work out. My kids are just great and I will do anything to protect them and give them the best life possible.

Tons of thanks to everyone... and of course any more pearls of wisdom to help me thru would be great! xxxx