Can children be "damaged" by grandparents?

[KTNoo]

I wasn't sure whether to post this in parenting or relationships.

I have a very difficult relationship with my parents. It's something which has become clearer to me since I had my own DCs. I have a lot of guilt from some reason, I feel like I constantly disappoint my mum and dad. We are very different, partly because I have gone through a lot of analysing their and my behaviour and making deliberate changes in the way I bring up my DCs.

They are very controlling. They never say what they want but manipulate situations all the time. They put huge emphasis on being good and quiet. I could go on.

What I'm worried about is this - I don't want my DCs to experience all this the way I did. At the same time I realise the relationship will not be the same as it was with me and if the DCs seem OK I feel I should promote that relationship, no matter how I feel about it. At the moment we are staying with them as we are moving house, so it's prominent in my mind.

To illustrate the kind of stuff that bothers me - my mum has been saying to DS(6) a lot "When did you become such a good boy? What happened to turn you from such a naughty boy into such a good boy?"

And "If you're going to cry we are not going to the park. Parks are only for GOOD children."

I HATE this. My poor children should not have to hear this stuff.

I am a prime example of my grandmothers influence. Somewhat snobby, fat, huge guilt complex, manners from the 1920's, no idea what a normal family life is like, no self esteem and spent 5 years studying things at uni that I did not want to study...I could go on and on.

KTNoo - your post really struck a cord. Many of the things that my parents did were good but I will try my hardest to make sure that ds never feels like he has to earn my love in the way I did and that he has to do everything my way in order to gain any recognition or approval.

Thanks for taking time to reply everyone. Sorry for delay - was putting kids to bed.

The weird weird thing is that I never would have thought any of this until I had my own dcs. I would have said I had a normal, fine upbringing. I still think a lot of it was good and I have happy memories. Maybe the way they were/are is typical of their generation. Having said that, it was getting to know my DH's family that made me see how different things could be.

My Grandmother, FWIW, is a completely closed book. She is still alive. I have only had superficial conversations with her as an adult, but I have happy childhood memories of her doing things with me, familiar stuff from her house etc. It's only as an adult I've realised that she has big emotional issues. Basically I think she has suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for most of her life but has never had any proper treatment. I couldn't say that this affected me as a child, but it's obviously affected my mum, who is partly the way she is because of HER upbringing.

It's the emotional manipulation I particularly hate. We've been staying with them the last 3 weeks and already dd is coming up to me saying things like "Mummy, I'm a GOOD girl!" I find this very weird. They constantly give them things, TOO many things imo, but then remind them how lucky they are and how they can take their new things away if they don't behave perfectly. I wouldn'y say I'm your typical Unconditional Parent, but if I want to do something nice or give them a treat I will do it because I WANT to, not because they owe me good behaviour in return.

They went to church with my mum last Sunday, and all everyone could say was how good and quiet they were, never mind if they actually got anything out of the service.

Meant to say, CapricaSix, what you said about emotions and how they affect people really rang true with me. My parents never show any emotion - it's all snide comments and loaded looks and comments. I've had to learn how to be emotionally honest with my children and it can still feel strange. I can see the disapproving looks from mum and dad if I tell my kids "I'm so fed up with all the noise you're making!"....or similar....

I know, CapricaSix, I hate the things they say to my kids. It's all nice tone of voice and fixed smiles with a horrible undercurrent of manipulation and guilt.

I realise now it must have been very confusing for me as a child, although I didn't realise why until recently. They are saying one thing but meaning something else, and their tone etc doesn't convey their true feelings. It's horrible. I hoestly don't know if the children have picked up on it yet, they probably just sense that I'm not my usual self (am very stressed and tense when we're with them) around the grandparents.

I think it's a very good thing your dd is not going to that CM any more as you are clearly not happy about the situation.

I can relate to "makes my blood boil" - today I was literally sitting listening to my mum spouting such horrible nonsense to my ds, and I was trying to decide whether to say nothing or tell her not to talk to him like that. I'm ashamed to say I said nothing. It's awful when I think about it - I always thought I would stand up for my children. It's because it's so subtle - on the few occasions I have pulled them up on something, they have looked stunned and played the innocent. And then been huffy with me. I wonder if they don't even realise they are doing it?

Sorry, never managed to get back online. Parents were divorced so grandparents had a lot of influence.
It was all about manipulation. My grandfather actually tried to get custody of me (my mother was perfectly normal so no reason for it). It is disturbing to think how much influence GP have on their GC!!

KTNoo your description of your mums sounds so much like my mum. i dont know how many times i have heard her saying to ds that he an have xyz if he is a good boy, and when she takes him to mass that he was "good as gold". and im ashamed to say that i have caught myself on occasion(usually at my mums) telling him the same, "you can have xyz if you're good". its only after reading your post that its hit me how manipulative that is. im going to make a conscious effort now not to do this or allow my mum to do it either.

as for your situation, i think you have to be firm with your parents in what you find acceptable and what you dont. they are your children. they need you to stand up for them.

I suspect that the amount of influence depends hugely on the amount of time spent together and the closeness of the relationship. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and I know she had a very difficult relationship with her mother, and I suspect the two are related, but I have very very happy memories of staying with my grandmother. My father was pretty distant with his parents, and my memories of them are purely about the other cousins who visited at the same time (I didn't like my grandmother much, but this came much later when I disagreed with her opinions, which is a rather different affair).

So if the relationship is close and contact frequent, then the influence, and thus potential damage (and benefits too) will be much greater. If it's more distant, then they probably won't have a huge influence on your children, even if they wind you up when you visit.