Mothers of DDs, help me out with this one

[misshardbroom]

DD (5.10) is friends with 2 other little girls in her class, who for the purposes of this anecdote, we will call X and Y. There is another little girl (Z) who also plays with them, but she's a quieter little body and is more of a 'hanger-on'.

DD announced in the car on the way home that 'me, X and Y had a little falling out today but now we're friends again'.

This is the 3rd time this has happened in the last week or so. Having told me this much, she then refused to tell me any more about it other than that X & Y had stayed friends but she'd been the one out of favour. She didn't seem at all upset about it, really.

I am, though!

Which I know is utterly ridiculous, and this is where you can all tell me how it's the end of term, and it's hot, and everyone's overtired, and how this is archetypal little girl behaviour, and how 3's a crowd, and remind me that I'm premenstrual etc etc etc. And you'll all be right, I just remember vividly those sorts of petty fallings out at school and it makes me feel really sad.

I've encouraged her in the past to make more of a friend of Z, but it doesn't seem to be progressing.

How do other mums of girls handle this sort of thing without making a mountain out of a molehill?

Exactly that misshardbroom - don't make it into an issue especially when she hasn't. I know it's hard not to compare to when you were little, I do it all the time. Unless it's really bothering her I would leave it.

It's hard isn't it?! I could have almost written your post. DD1 is in a 3 at school and they are forever falling out and making up. She asked last week to go to a new school next year which was hard.

Anyway, what to do. I am trying to make sure that she has lots of friends outside school basically. I encourage her to keep in touch with family friends her age, my friend's DD who she has grown up with and the girls who live locally to us. I also take her to Badgers (like rainbows but boys and girls). Al in the name of keeping her options open.

I think you should take her lead - you say she isn't upset and has clearly closed the subject so maybe you should let it be. Hard though!

In those circumstances, if DD wasn't upset, I'd forget about it. It's all part of learning to make relationships.

If it was going on a lot, and DD was upset, I'd start trying to help her with strategies to make other friends and be less reliant on the ones she's falling out with. And we have deliberately nurtured a couple of friendships with girls who go to different schools, so that she's not totally dependent on classmates for her emotional welfare!

I am constantly surprised at how fickle my DD and all her friends are. They seem to find it impossible to play in more than a group of two at any one time and sometimes that will mean that someone is left and occasionally it's my DD and, like you, I take that as a personal affront and think they must all be little biatches and have been hurtful to my precious baby but, of course, they haven't it's just how their relationships work.

If you think about your relationships with your friends; sometimes one of them will piss you off and you will either just back off for a while or, if you're that way inclined, you might have an argument but they don't stop being your friend. Our DDs are no different really.

They are her friendships, leave them to her

actually, the point stripes makes about my own friendships is a very valid one, I'm feeling a bit at a loss myself lately - I recently went back to work after 6 years as a SAHM and my long standing best friend (also a SAHM) has been very sniffy about it and it's put our relationship under an amount of strain. So that probably doesn't help me keep DD and her little mates in perspective

You must make a stand with yourself right now, to not worry about it! Trust me, DD is almost 14 and we still have to listen to her and her silliness with her mates. One minute laughing and joking, the next minute ripping each other to shreads! (They don't do that literally, but ykwim!)

You'll make yourself totally miserable if you worry too much about things like this.

Another one here who could have written your post My DD and her 2 best friends are always bickering and falling out.

I am looking forward to the summer holidays when my DD won't be seeing her 2 best school friends (mums work full-time so they are looked after by relatives, going on hols, etc.) but will be spending time with 3 other girls in her year (my friends children) who are lovely. They never fall out when they are together but for some reason my DD never plays with them at school despite my encouragement!

misshardbroom, I had the exact same thing happen when I went back to work after being a SAHM for four years! My friend and I had been so close, and after I went back to work, she started avoiding me and even said one or two quite unkind things. I tried very hard to appease her and then realised that I was pandering to unreasonable behavior and it was really upsetting me. I basically had to put that friendship on the shelf for a year or so, and then she suddenly started being friendly again. Still, it's not the same as it was but that's okay. Life changes and us with it, and I'll always be grateful for the times we did share together.

NanaJo, thanks for your kind words of wisdom on this subject, it's nice to know I'm not the only one to have experienced this with a grown-up friendship! I've decided just to let it go for now and see how it all beds down over the next few months.

As for DD, I'm feeling really upset all over again. We've just got back from sports day, which was lovely, all the classes did different events during the morning and then the children were let loose to join their parents for a picnic lunch on the school field.

After lunch, they were all running round playing while parents were sitting having a coffee and chat. I saw my DD running after her friends X & Y who were with another little boy, she called to them and they just turned away from her and ran off. She was really upset and ran over to me with her lip wobbling and then burst into tears on my lap (she's really not a demonstrative child, so this is unusual).

I told her that if anyone behaves like that towards her she shouldn't let them see she's upset, she must just go and find other children to play with - I thought this was better than her trailing them round if they don't want to play with her.

What made me feel worse is that just then the bell went and they went off to line up, with DD still pretty wobbly. I said to her teacher 'look, I know this is (literally) playground stuff, but can you keep an eye on her, she's been very upset because it's a bit of a case of 2's company & 3's a crowd'. I know her class teacher is knackered and ready for a break too, but she was a bit snappy with me and said 'well I have to say they're all falling out constantly this week' and made me feel really stupid for even mentioning it.

I do totally see everyone's point about not getting drawn into it, it's just so hard to sit there when you've just seen your DD's friends giving her the cold shoulder and making her cry right in front of you. Feel like crying myself.

This happens with my DD and her best friend all the time, they are always falling out. To try to make sure she wasn't too dependant on just one or two friends I invite the other girls from her class over for playdates. This seems to have worked, she still has her best friends, but if they fall out she now has other groups of friends she can join in with. As all the girls love coming over they are always keen to be really good frinds with DD, so they get an invite over.