Anyone read the article on 'benign parenting' in The Times today? Any thoughts?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

I just read this article and wondered what others thoughts were?

I think I lean far more towards this benign style of parenting and have started to think about it more after getting an email from a mum about enrolling my DS on a storytelling class (!!!!) and also seeing other mums constantly taking their kids places and buying them treats all the time, just cos it happens to be Tuesday or something! I really don't want my DS growing up to expect that he will be ferried about, treated and entertained all the time, he is only 20 months just now but yesterday absolutely loved going into his wee wendy house and knocking on the window to me- he spent about 15 mins doing this, simple pleasures! But does it get harder to not take them places etc as they get older? I don't want to be a 'tough' mum either, it's already proving quite difficult with the inlaws who all have a laugh cos we don't buy DS presents or give him chocolate etc all the time.

What do you think, I'd be interested to hear others thoughts....?

Scrappy - that might just be his personality. Ds3 finds playing by himself very hard and as a third child he's been raised with benign neglect. Ime that ability to play by yourself (or not) is pretty inbuilt ( like most things I thought I was affecting when I just had the one).

healthy neglect is a better term i reckon.

These sorts of articles really p**s me off.

Juat another thing for parents (read mothers) to feel guilt about. I am really happy to read saintlydamemrsturnip's post. I have an only ds who I would happily leave to play by himslef as much as possible unfortunately he has other ideas. We have improved this recently (moatly by me insisting he plays on his own sometimes sometimes with resulting tantrums and tears) but he is never going to be a child who does much playing alone.

Of course as he is an only child I have to put up with other parents thinking I am a stereotypical helicopter parent of one child.

I tell you nothing could be further from the truth yet I genuinely believe that ds is just like this it is not because he is an only child or because I do too much with him . He is just a very social child and would have been better off in a family with more children but that is what he and are I and dh are stuck with.

I don't read it like that at all lazycow - I think it was trying to say that our free time revolves around amusing and entertaining our children today in a way that it never did when we were children and that forcing children to accompany you on dull errands may very possibly be good for them (and make your life a bit easier). I definitely know people who wouldn't dream of putting their children through the torture of standing in the queue at the post office.

Whether your child is any good at entertaining themself is, as turnip says, an accident of luck rather than design.

I agree broadly, although I'd take issue with "Buying them kebab and chips because you can?t be faffed to cook ? not good." Once in a while doesn't do them any harm and the kebabs we get always come with salad

Ah well in that case ds gets quite a lot of dull stuff. Actually he is reasonably happy waiting in a queue for the post office etc as it means he is with someone. I'm not always happy with the wait as ds doen't do standing still very well but he doesn't often complain of being bored he just looks for stuff to !!!.

Mind you I did have to look for a book for dh recently which I was having trouble finding on the shelves of a book shop and it must have taken 30 mins to find it as I had to try different levels of the shop. Ds did at this point start to say he was 'so bored' and when would I be finished but to be fair he sat and waited with only the odd complaint so he is most definitely expected to come along when we do errands/chores as dh calls them.

This article is absolutely brilliant! I have just printed it out and will pass it on to a few friends. I am a surgical nurse and the other day in the O.R., one of the surgeons mentioned that he was called up short when his 7 year old daughter who takes a bewildering variety of activities, when told that one of her classes had been cancelled, asked excitedly if she could just go out and play since she had the "day off!" Another friend laughingly told me she and her kids eat dinner in their car 2-3 times per week as she ferries her two back and forth to their various activities. I can't help but think there is something terribly wrong with this picture.

I think playing ? real physical play ? the kind that involves muddy hands and scratched knees, and unbounded imagination, is becoming increasingly rare. Actually, I was just writing about this in my blog a few weeks ago; the interaction of child and imagination which is an integral leap of physical and emotional joy. This the kind of play that is the physical equivalent of music and poetry. The art of real play speaks its own language. It is, I believe, of immeasurable benefit to the health of the body and soul. No one can be really well in a world that continually sacrifices real play.

The little girl that sticks in my mind is the one whose mother asked her what she wanted to do and she said that she would like to play while her mother sat still in a chair, with coffee, and read a magazine.

..this is interesting as yesterday I was talking to a friend about school holidays...I work so DD is signed up for summer camps (luckily she loves them) while I do parental guilt. My friend is a SAHM and was saying she was dreading the trips and keeping DC entertained and it got me thinking.

My mum was a SAHM, my abiding memories of summer holidays was walking round my friends house and playing in the wood down the bottom of her garden, or playing with lego, or playing hide and seek with other friends or taking the horses out for an all day hack. I was generally with a friend or several just running round the locality.

I do not remember my mum taking me anywhere, nor "entertaining" me. None of the mums did this. We lived in a rural community and the SAHMs had no cars and there were no buses...so we entertained ourselves. Mums did the housework while we were playing and got our meals. I don't remember the mums ever trying to play with us and we never asked them to.
The closest we came is when my mother taught me to knit.

I wonder why mothers/parents are now expected to entertain their children non stop?

I spend alot of my day entertaining my DS 21mths, it's either that or be subjected to much whinging.

Last week we went to West Midlands Safari Park, the Zoo, the Park, we visited DS's nan, he came food shopping with me...... we go out every day. DS also goes to Sunday school with his nan most sundays.

I find this way easier than staying in plus DS sleeps better when he has had a really active day.

I really look forward to when he is a little older and will happily sit down in front of a DVD and I can partake in a bit of benign neglect .

Sorry, I don't know where I got 21mths from- DS is only 17mths. My poor, frazzled brain.

excellent article. i agree with every word. my kids have spent much of the weekend being 'space hamsters' with upturned chairs on the living room floor serving as 'rockets', while i've got on with things in the background, while feeling incredibly lucky to have had two children who - mostly - get on well and have a laugh - a confrontation-studded laugh at times, but generally a laugh - together.
however it was not always like this - i entertained them virtually constantly until they were about 4 or so as my older child was exceedingly tantrum-prone and demanding, and it felt like i had to be constantly on hand to defuse potential meltdowns (rightly or wrongly - well, probably wrongly )
so i am really glad i seem to have entered the benign neglect phase - long may it continue

Supercherry - is this a special holiday week or a normal run-of-the-mill week when you pay to take your 18 month DC to the safari park and the zoo in one week???

That's got me thinkig too Miggsie, I have been racking my brains re memories of my parents 'entertaining' me and my siblings when we were on school holidays and I can't remember anything other than when we went on holiday. I do recall going deep into the woods next to my house for hours, sitting on logs by a stream, climbing up rockfaces, climbing trees, walking over to friends houses (a half hour walk away across roads and everything), playing in the garden with brother & sister, 'selling' stuff outside my house like rosepetal perfume (yuk!) and old books, walking to the sweet shop etc etc.

I do hope I can encourage DS to be like that but then we do live in another age (or do we?) and I'm aware loads of parents would feel worried about their kids being out all day without a phone etc. I guess it's all about moderation again eh?

Sounds like exactly what my parents did when I was a child. Not sure whether that makes it good or bad though.....
From child perspective probably a bit crap actually.

Fantastic article, couldn't agree more
Now I won't feel so bad for offering DC beans/egg on toast as their "cooked" meal because I can't be arsed to cook.
In my day we spent the holidays and weekends out on our bikes and the like only checking in for a soda stream

Applepudding, not really a normal run of the mill week, no. Usually go to the park lots and do outings that don't cost much, baby group, play barns, garden centre etc. West Midlands Safari Park do a free return ticket so we decided to go before the children are off school. We went to the zoo on Saturday, so DP paid for that but at 17mths most places are free in for DS anyway.

good article - i started doing bits of this quite late in the day - although i am keen to strike a good balance between the mundane and the other. funky flamenco sounds like fun btw - running at a church hall near you???