I have never really loved my ds

[feelingcrap]

He's 4 years old and often I find him irritating and frustrating. He's really emotional and although I care for and about him, I don't feel that overwhelming maternal love for him.
I have never admitted this to anyone and, honestly, no one would ever know, including him. I give him cuddles and kisses but I'm always doing it consciously, ifykwim.
What is wrong with me? He is actually very well behaved. Everyone says he is a lovely child. I feel so heartless but I can't help it. I can get angry with him really quickly too. Like today, he was playing with his animals and making roaring sounds. The sounds were really irritating me so I kept asking him to quieten down, which he didn't, so I ended up shouting at him and then telling him to shut up when he started crying.
I must be such a horrible person to do that to a 4 year old and I don't know why. I don't want it to be like this. If I heard someone else doing this I'd think that they were awful, so why can't I control myself?
Its not always this bad. We do laugh and play and I take him out a lot too (its better when I do) but the underlying issue is always there.

not wanting to hijack, but have a look at my thread I don't think I like my DD

Thank you very much Peacocksuit. It was amazing to read. I can't believe that others are going through the same thing. Its very sad.
Ds' birth was fairly stressful for me due to the lack of support in the hospital. I was without any professional help for hrs. But my second birth experience was far more traumatic. Both I and the baby almost died. I was told we were lucky to be alive. Its all a blur to me now anyway.
Ds is such a chilled out child. Honestly, I get nothing but praise for him. He has never had a tantrum. I have never seen him angry. He always looks confused and concerned when I get angry as if he genuinely doesn't understand it. I can't even try to blame him for anything. Its all me. (I'm sure a child in this scenario could never be blamed anyway, no matter how trying they were but I'm sure ykwim)
Bedtime duties are fine. He never makes a fuss. Always looks forward to a story and goes to bed.
I just want to be the mother he deserves. I don't want to not love him unconditionally.

This article in the Guardian last week was good, i thought. I think my mother felt this about me when my little brother was born.

here

I really do feel better now that I've let it all out. Its helped to make some things clearer.
I think I need to spend some time with just him. I do some stuff at home but it always feels like it's rushed. Partly because I'm not always interested and partly because there's always something to do.
I'm going to take him out on Saturday morning to a football activity thing that dh and I were interested in introducing him to and I'm also going to find some time to take him to the cinema to watch that Ice Age movie and just cuddle up next to him.

Bloody hell oranges

"Where her third year should have been there was a 12-month blank. It really was as if I had lost my mind, or part of it, during that time. As if I'd been suffering from some kind of emotional amnesia; a temporary blindness of the heart."

That is how i felt exactly.

" For myself, I cultivated the habit of loving her as carefully as a wine-grower cultivates vines. I reschooled myself into seeing her, thinking about her, as I had before: as beloved and lovable. Gradually, with time, the habit became as effortless and natural as it had originally been. "

And that is so true too. Wish I had done it years before.

Yes feelingcrap, one-to-one is vital.

Thank you oranges. That made me cry. I can really relate to almost everything she said.
I'm so sorry that you know thats what your mother went through. I never want my ds to know. I'm going to have to sort this out.

oranges, I think my mother felt this way about me too when my younger sister was born. And she never made any effort to rebuild our relationship, she just let it slide and focussed on my 2 younger sisters.

Sorry feelingcrap for hijacking your thread. Well done for being brave enough to post on here how you feel. That step alone shows that you do have feelings for your son, even though you may think you don't.

If its any consolation, I am now very close to my mother. We have a slightly too intense relationship where we talk all the time but can annoy each other beyond belief.
I only thought she felt that way because she was so erratic at the time - shouting for no reason, then being very kind and interested, whereas my brother has always had a much easier relationship with her. Not smothering, but not distant either.

I did think however that I was loved when I saw a photo of her holding me when I was a few days old and she has the tenderest expression i had never seen before.

I think you do love your ds too, and he will know that. You just need to relearn him.

x