My 5 year old son's shyness is driving me mad

[juicy12]

My eldest child - boy just turned 5 - has got progressively more shy as he's got older and it's becomming a big issue in our family. If we see one of his class mates out and about and they say hello enthusiastically to him, he looks horrified and just manages to squeak out a hello back. I think he comes across as pretty indifferent and not bothered about being friendly back. If any adult outside our family speaks to him - even ones that he knows well - he reverts to babyish behaviour. He hides behind me, whispers, uses a silly voice or answers their questions with his back to them. I think I was pretty confident and outgoing as a child, and his 2-yr-old sister is certainly happy to chat to anyone. However, DH is pretty shy and over-sensitive, which is why it's become a big issue in the family as DH blames himself. I get sooooo frustrated with my son, cos I just think, "Just say hello back and smile. That's all you have to do, it's not hard!!" Then I feel terrible for getting angry with him. I've noticed too that he's very easily led by boys he wants to be friends with and seems to do whatever they ask - at the moment it's only been small things like putting a jumper away for someone, but I worry what he'll do if asked in the future. I've spoken to him about standing up for himself. I feel terrible cos he seems to be turning into this little person that I never expected he would and i feel equally terrible for starting to feel a bit disappointed. Help! (btw, I'm new to this forum, so sorry if I've not followed all the rules!)

He sounds adorable, Juicy12. If he's happy, kind, popular AND sensitive, just think about what an amazing man he's going to turn out to be You probably won't have a fed-up DIL writing on here about what a bad-tempered, thoughtless, cheating, macho bore he is!

Shyness isn't a curse at all - my DP, who has Social Anxiety Disorder, as I said, has a happy and successful life: he's a cheerful, funny, thoughtful, laid-back guy with a small circle of very close friends, he has a really good job, is very talented creatively, as a result of being so sensitive and of course, he has a wonderful partner (me), hehe! And I grew out of my shyness and am now a right gobshite (although I remain a solitary type of person), but I am still hyper-sensitive and wouldn't change that for the world - it really is a gift, not a curse, if handled properly (I'm a writer, so I love it). Most sensitive, shy people are naturally creative, so maybe it would be good for your DS if you encouraged him to do arty/crafty stuff and when he's a wee bit older, get him into writing stories and/or playing a musical instrument, etc. Things like gardening, cooking and playing dress-up are also all very creative. Being able to express himself these ways may well give him the confidence to express himself more socially. And if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world!

Just wanted to say, thank you so much for starting this thread and for all the comments on it. I have found it really useful and reasssuring! I too have a very shy nearly-5-year-old DS, and have found it hard to watch him struggle in social situations. Both DH and I were reasonably shy children but I think our combined genes have created an extra specially shy child!

I know exactly what it is like when other children bounce over with an exuberant greeting and your child more or less ignores them. You feel both protective of your child and embarrassed/frustrated at the same time. But I also agree with other posters here - don't necessarily knock shy and sensitive. As long as a child is given plenty of love and support and acceptance that this is how they are, they will learn to cope and adapt, and possibly be kinder, more empathetic adults as a result.

Well this is what I keep telling myself when I watch my DS hanging back and not joining in with his classmates at school, anyway!

But there are definite pluses. Yes, I have a child who is struggling a bit socially at school - well quite a lot, at the moment, if I'm honest. But he is also very happy, serene, incredibly loving and affectionate and, like philopastry's little one, has a kind of quiet resilience that means he doesn't feel the need to simply follow the crowd. As much as I worry about his shyness (whether he will be bullied/taken advantage of etc) I wouldn't swap him for some of the bull-in-a-china-shop uber confident kids in his class. Not in a million years! After school one day last week a fellow mum (of very confident ebullient child) overheard DS cuddle up to me and say 'oh I love you so much mummy'. She looked sad and told me that her DS was never affectionate like that. Whereas I get told 'love you mummy' at least 5 times a day

juicy12, your DS does indeed sound gorgeous, you should be very proud of him.

I too have a very shy 5yo so I will read this thread with interest
Mine also chooses when to speak and when not too. She disappears to a corner quite often and looks at the wall too

I have worried for ages that dd isnt just very shy but may in fact be an elective mute too

I think shy DCs are very underrated-they just take longer to get to know, but often have far more about them than their extrovert friends!

My ds1 was quite shy at that age.

Things I found that helped were telling him he didn't have to answer if someone spoke to him - a smile would do.

Also we had a cue to help him remember to smile at someone and not just ignore them, which was me giving his hand a little squeeze.

My dd was even more shy (she had Selective Mutism)and if someone said "Is she shy?" I would reply "No, she'll speak when she feels ready" . I think this made her feel like she had more control over the situation, and also made a point that she wasn't being labelled as "shy".

I would also always answer a question for a child who is too anxious to speak.

Hope hat helps

If it's any help, my ex-DP was an incredibly shy child, really it seems far more shy than the other stories we've heard on this thread! He found the pressure of being expected to make the 'right' social reaction in situations, even family situations, absolutely unbearable. His parents tried to encourage him by involving him in lots of social activities, but nothing worked. But over the years, gradually he made a small number of very close friends, gained in confidence in many social situations, and he is now... a University lecturer, standing up and making two hundred 18 years olds laugh and learn every day of term. He says he's still always terribly nervous until he gets the first laugh, but his students love him, and of course, he's very good in turn with the students who are shy in seminars. I'd totally agree with the people here that said that shyness often comes with many other qualities, and that these strenghts aren't forgotten in later life when the shyness is overcome.

There's so many good, positive stories on here about shyness and sensitivity One thing I'd add, to echo what amberflower said about 'quiet resilience' (great phrase, af) is this: that being shy and sensitive DOES NOT equal being weak and weedy and bland. Most shy kids are - and grow up to be - very strong-willed, individualistic people who 'go their own way', as Fleetwood Mac would say . It takes an iron will and a hell of a lot of self-belief to not do what's expected of you by everyone else - you know you can't do it and so you don't. Just because everyone is doing it and people are pushing you to do it, you will not be forced to do what terrifies you (and isn't strictly necessary, after all - nobody needs to speak to strangers, or chitchat, or answer questions that are just part of small talk). So much of socialising is learning to go with the flow and to subsume part of or a lot of (or even all of) one's individuality to 'the group' and shy kids don't and won't do that. They will tend to have their own hobbies and interests and be more of an individual because they just don't need the approval or 'permission' of their peers to be themselves.

And the sensitivity makes them very caring, very sweet and very observant. They are much less likely to keep pestering you if you're having an 'off-day' because they will sense that. Shy and sensitive people just want to be allowed to be themselves and do their own things, so they typically have a similarly open-minded attitude towards others.

Shy adults sometimes say they wish they weren't shy, but this is nearly always because they don't like the way others react to them because they're shy; the real problem is not shyness but other people not being accepting enough of someone else being a little bit different and people not teaching their kids to understand, either. After all, kids usually play happily with their shy peers but it's only as they get older and start to pick up on the disapproving and anxious vibes about shyness that the adults around them are giving out that they start to reject them - and that shy kids start to think there's something wrong with them due to the vibes too...