Please help me like my lovely DD again, I feel terrible

[ImOverHere]

I've got a DD aged 3.8 and 4mth old DS. DD has always been a struggle. Didn't sleep properly til 18mths, crawled at 5mths, (climbed the sofa at 10wks - I kid you not)wouldn't take a bottle or cup when I was desperate to stop bf, can whinge for england, and lately has developed a lovely attitude (wont listen, says no constantly, is very defiant). On the up side she is bright, funny, active and very pretty (obviously).

However, I am finding that each stage with her is so difficult, you get no room for mistakes with her, she can be awkward, lazy and downright defiant and TBH, lately I am finding it difficult to like her.

And this makes me feel terrible and awful and guilty and tearful. I do love her and wouldn't do anything bad to her but I need a sense of perspective here. SHe is only 3 and I need to chill out, but it's hard.

DS is no bother at all (am trying v hard not to compare, but it is difficult when he is such a good baby and she was a nightmare), although I am still up feeding about 3 times during the night.

Please help me get my head around this and help her and me to get on again. I need to be the adult, but sometimes all I want to do is stamp my feet and cry.

fifitot - believe me you are not alone (been dulling my day with Pimms hence not been on for a bit!).

Read some of what the others said for me and see if that helps. I've also just bought the 'How to talk to children so they will listen' book and am hoping this will help.

In terms of timeout, I have found that totally ignoring what goes on in DD's room (she has been known to throw everything around it), works a treat. V hard when she's just wee'd on the floor, but it can be done (my DD also used to scream til she threw up - I actually cured it by making no fuss when she did this once, just cleaned it up very quietly and made no comment).

As you know, I am struggling at the moment too but I have been heartened by what others have had to say for me on here.

Thankyou both! The idea of the jar is one I may try and am also going to buy the book you mention Imoverhere.

I feel a bit better today but it's only 7 am so a long way to go!

Three is a terrible age especially with a new baby. I used to end every day sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I remember that year well ! It really does pass. I recommend the How to talk so your kids will listen book. Also, although i know this is not always possible, if you can take the older one out alone sometimes it really helps. My oldest still remembers her special times away from the baby. I also used to walk for hours with baby in push chair and toddler on the buggy board just to get away from it all. Now my oldest is the most pleasant part of my day and even gives other DD breakfast and brings me tea in bed. Your day will come!

I know the feeling, I have 2 DS at exactly the same age.

I think you unfairly compare the 2 as having your first baby was such a learning curve and so stressful, your new baby seems I breeze in comparison. I ofter wonder what I did all day when DS1 was a baby.

He now does that adorable thing of screaming nonsense words and noises really loudly in your face when actually all you want to do is coo lovingly at your chubby smiley baby.

The only advice I can give is to try to spend time just with her. The baby gets your time when she is at nursery but when she isn't, make DD the centre of your attention and try to have some fun. Last week we had a water fight in the garden and he loved it so much.. I realised what a boring 'mind the baby'mother I had been recently.

I think you also need a break from both of them, even it's only for an hour or two. I found that going out for just an hour or two without either of them made a world of difference.

I share your pain OP - in fact I could've written your post word for word other than our children are different sexes and ages.

DS1 (aged 4) was a difficult whingy baby who has grown up into a difficult whingy child. Like your DD, he's intelligent, good at many things, funny, attractive....but at times his behaviour is so nasty and brattish that I dislike him intensely! I so often feel ashamed of him because of the way he behaves in public and with friends and feel that people judge us negatively . I even fell out with a friend over DS1 as she called him a spoilt brat when he misbehaved on a daytrip and whereas I have the right to criticise my son, no-one else does - at least outloud (plus he's not spoilt at all)! But he is amazingly good with his little brother and they play really well together.

It doesn't help that DS2 is a cheery, smiley little soul who never cries or whinges and attracts only positive comments and compliments.

Whenever we are out as a family, DS1 seems to grab all the attention whereas DS2 just sits in his pushchair and you would hardly know he's there.

I am currently attending parenting classes because I feel that my own attitude to DS1 is so negative at times and I lose my temper with him more often than I feel is good for both of us. But the classes aren't really helping.

I find the only thing that does help is as others have said, trying to spend quality one on one time together. I try and take him swimming 3 or 4 times a week just the 2 of us and that has been a really positive thing.

I took lots of your advice and we had a water fight last night whilst watering the garden (saying nothing on the mean satisfaction of chucking water at DD). She loved it and was a dream to go to bed and has so far been much better today. Also playing with DD more and giving her cuddles when DS asleep on nap (which he is now, so shouldn't be on here should I!!!)

Please don't get me wrong too, but I have to say it is a relief to know that others feel like this - you seriously start to feel like there is something wrong with you.

I've also started taking evening primrose oil (apparantly ok if your bf) and that has helped calm me and therefore the entire household, but particularly DD.

Tryharder - it is v hard isn't it. I'm looking forward to the day when 'this stage too shall pass!'

my dd (3.6) blocked me going into the kitchen this morning & told me " mammy i wont let you in until you give me toffee " it was 7.30am . lately my dh has started calling her veruca salt ( the brat from willy wonka)
she was the sweetest little girl up until a couple of months ago now she has gone back to throwing tantrums every day to get her own way. she still wakes up 3-4 times during the night screaming to get in2 our bed so i too feel your pain

You know, the more I read, the more I think that there is a secret conspiracy amongst mothers... they all tell you about the terrible 2's but NOONE mentions the appalling 3's til you get to them, then they say 'oh yeah, that was harder than the 2's'!

When my DD was having tantrums at 2 I was told don't worry it gets better - not knowing that they meant they get better at the tantrums, not that they stop!

UPDATE: Day 5 of the chart and it's working! He's been so much better!!

it very much appeals to his competitive nature.

IOH - my friend did a fairy for her DD. THe fairy jumps from leaf to leaf to get to the flower.

fifitot - I let DS choose his reward (within reason) so far he's said he wants hot chocolate with marshmallows while watching a dvd. TBH if he said he wanted a bar of chocolate and had been good for 10 straight days I'd give it to him!

pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew I'm not alone. Terrible twos - no problem, just lots of patience needed and not caring about being embarrassed in public. Terrible threes- serious mindscrew.

maybe we could rename them the 'throttle'em threes'

lol fruitstick