Post Natal Depression or just the miserable reality of kids?

[ameliesmumvic]

Anyone else feel really low? I have a 20 month old and a 4 month old and am struggling a bit. One baby was easy, two is so hard I just want to quit at times.

When DS1 arrived I actually resented him a bit because the quiet time I had when DD1 was asleep at lunchtime vanished. I no longer get any time during the day to sit down and relax or sort out the house which is constantly a tip.

Neither baby sleeps particularly well and I'm absolutely shattered all the time.
I spend my days trying to constantly entertain a 20 month old without totally excluding the 4 month old and just find the whole thing lonely and depressing.

I miss work and having any sense of self. Its as if I dont exist any more. And after 12 hours looking after the babies I get a few hours in the evening to do the household chores. Then I'm up during the nights...

I feel incredibly guilty that I'm not enjoying maternity leave - I mean on the face of it I get to go to the farm / park / zoo all day. How hard is that? And I'm not enjoying my children as much as I should be...

Where is your DP in all of this? Is he around? Can he take a night shift (if you're not breastfeeding) so you can sleep? Or even take the baby after your done breastfeeding and do burping and nappy change while you go back to sleep?

It does sound a bit like PND and perhaps a trip to your doctor is in order.

You are not alone, just look at the Motherhood Delusion thread... Its very hard work having two especially if you are not sleeping well.
One suggestion I have is not to use your precious hours in the evening to do housework and try to do something you enjoy - even if it is just having a bath or reading a book.
Can you get DS1 to nap around the same time as dd1? Or instigate a chill out time for dd1 when ds1 naps. Just grabbing a few minutes to chill out yourself can really help imo even if this involves CBeebies!
I also have 2 - one is 2.5, the other is 2months. I found things got easier with dd1 when she turned about 2 as you can leave them to their own devices a lot more e.g. I am happy with dd1 playing upstairs in her bedroom while Im downstairs with dd2.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty though. It looks so much fun compared with dh's day at work but god there are days when I long to be the one going to work.... Then I feel guilty all over again.

DH works long hours and often 7 days in a row. I feel guilty about him not getting sleep because he's shattered as well and is the one working. Plus he does the whole male thing of sleeping through the noise. By the time I've woken him up to go and sort the kids out I may as well have done it myself!

Poor you. Sorry you are feeling like this.

It is completely exhausting having 2 so close together and it is not surprising that you are exhausted and fed up. Try not to worry or feel guilty about the fact you are not enjoying this bit, it is bloody hard work , and not enough people tell the truth about that. I had a 19 month age gap btwn mine and I felt like I spent most of my waking hours (and there was about 19 of them every day!) kneeling on the changing mat changing a dirty nappy. The sleep deprivation is an absolute killer too - no wondere they use it as a form of torture.

It really and truly does get easier but that doesn't really help you get through the next few months. For now it sounds like you need to let your partner/ mum/ whoever you can talk to know that you are finding it a bit hard to cope and get a little bit of help.

Also, just an idea, but our local council run leisure centre has a creche where you can take babies from 4 months old. I used to take my two there and get an hour to myself a couple of times a week. The exercise might help you feel a bit more like yourself too. But mostly it is about getting a small amount of time and head space for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting that - we all need it.

I really would urge you to tell someone in RL how you are feeling - it is not uncommon, nor is it anything to feel guilty about. There will be lots of times in the future when you will help out your loved ones. Give them the chance to help you out now, when you need it.

When you say you feel like you don't exist any more, it's ringing some alarm bells for me because that's exactly how I felt when I did have PND. Maybe go to the docs and speak to them about it.

Hi ameliesmumvic,

Sleep deprivation can do weird things to you - I find if LO keeps me awake the next day I can't think rationally - and with two it's no wonder you feel rubbish. If you can do what Phil suggested and do something that takes you out of yourself (exercise). DO you have family around?
PS I have a five month old and found the first couple of months tough - I still feel incredibly anxious too.

A friend warned me about the 4 month stage when I was pregnant with number 2. She said that 'it's really hard having the two and then when you hit 4 months ish, the relentlessness of it becomes totally overwhelming and you feel utterly miserable. Be warned'.

It is true and then when you get to the 6 months stage, it's all change again and the two become increasingly more fun as a unit and the sleep gets better but I SO sympathise - the only thing that sorts me out is to force some time with DH as a family for 2-3 days. I have had manay a moment where I have worried that I will do one of us some harm without that break.