Am I over reacting? Advice needed for insecure mum

[Northumberlandlass]

Oh wise people of Mumsnet......

A bit of background. We have DS (nearly 6) who is an only, I am very conscious of this and always encourage friends to play. We live on lovely terraced street in a quiet area and although there aren't many kids around my DS has made some good friends..for ease (and so I don't get confused) I will call them H & A. H is 7 and A is 9 - both friendly enough lads, though A is a bit of handful.

We ALWAYS have H & A at our house to play (nearly every day) I always end up feeding at least one of them and handing out pop & snacks, I have even been known to buy ice creams from the van for them all. DS is never invited to their houses to play.

Although I make them welcome, we do have some house rules...ie no swinging from the banisters etc (not harsh). DS has a very large bedroom window that he can easily open (it swings out v wide). My DS is quite sensible and knows that he isn't allowed to 'hang' out of it. I have told H&A repeatedly not to open the bottom half of the window...it is quite dangerous.

So...last night H&A were at our house and I heard DS saying.."please don't do that, mum won't like it, I'll get into trouble"..so I march upstairs to find A hanging out of the window. I said "A, I have told you not to do that a number of times, if you can't play sensibly in DS room, then you will have to leave"...A stomped off, muttering under his breath.

DS was now upset and saying "but it wasn't my fault"... I followed H downstairs. DS was now sobbing..."please don't make them go home, please"...H then started mimicking my DS "ooo please don't make them go home..DS is such a baby". I got sooooo cross ! I said that if that was how H was going to behave and treat my son then he wasn't welcome in this house anymore.

Was I too harsh? Could I of handled this differently?

Feel very guilty that I may of excluded DS from his pals which will leave him feeling rubbish !

no. I don't think you could have handled it better. You are the adult. It is your home. You have to be firm. If A had fallen out of the window - it would have been seen as your fault!

And you have to stick up for your son, a friend isn't cruel and mocking and tbh, they don't sound great anyway if they show you no respect!

This friendship sounds one way and a bit like your son is being used. Can he join clubs and things to meet other children?

oh and i would really recommend looking into a way to secure that window! You can fit devices that prevent it from swinging open so wide. (some can be by-passed in event of fire.)

Thanks Hecates ! DS is involved in lots of clubs / after school activities with kids more his own age. I really don't mind having the kids around to play or even feeding them, but i think these two were using my DS . He is so caring, if he only had 2 sweets he would give them to his pals and not have one himself.

Maybe I should invite his school pals around for playdates!!

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I agree - tbh they sound a bit too old to be considered really friends. There is such a difference developmentally when they're this young. I would limit playing with H and A to the street or garden if your ds isn't allowed in the street.

You were absolutely right to be firm. It sounds as if your DS admires the older lads but that it might not be a very equal relationship. As you say, having his school friends over to play might be a good idea.

yes, invite schoolfriends over, don't leave ds with these brats as his only company at home.

(And get a limiter on the window - children DO explore... unless you are never ever going to invite another child over, you have to deal with it.)

I think you dealt with it very well.

Dd is an only child and we have always seemed to live miles away from other children. So have always had to engineer friends coming round to play. You do end up feeling like a social secretary but think it's important that they have friends round.

Try and invite some of your ds's schoolfriends round in the next week or to and plan some dates for the holidays perhaps. Don't think these boys are the best friends for your boy, not just the swinging from the window issue, but the fact they were spiteful as well.

I know you don't give to recieve, but if these playtimes and treats are never reciprocated I would call it a day, if I were you.

Yes, even if you only invite round sensible children (you'll be lucky), if the window is different from what they're used to they might lean on it or push it accidentally.

I agree that the age diff is a bit unbalanced...not sure that your son would get that much from these relationships anyway. They have disrespected you, your home and your child...you do not need this nonsense in your life...lighten the blow by getting organiosed with school mates

Thanks everyone...all your comments appreciated. I do agree that they are too old to be DS friends! I think there is a bit of hero worship going on here and they aren't the type of heroes I want my son to have !

It is tricky to sort out playdates (both DH & I work, he does shifts and I don't get home until 6 most evenings). The time DS plays with them is usually when he gets back from his Grandparents (who look after him when we are all at work)for an hour or so....but will sort out the logistics for some playdates.

I will sort the window out too.

Thanks again.
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