HELP - my (darling!) mother has set me a 'challenge' re DS1's (3) behaviour this weekend - need some strategies to deal with it

[Ceebee74]

My parents live 90 mins away so when we go over and see them, we are there all day. They have a fake coal fire where the coal bits are easily removable (and have to be laid in a certain pattern apparently ). Anyway, this fire is like a magnet to DS1 who thinks it is hilarious to take the coals off the fire. They did have a fireguard up which helped but it wasn't attached so he soon worked out he could move it anyway.

Anyway, my lovely mother has just informed me that she thinks DS1 is now old enough just to be told not to touch the fireplace - and he will do as he is told My DS1 is what you call a 'spirited' little boy so that does not work (as my mother knows) so I feel it is some sort of test of my parenting that she is setting me.

How on earth am I going to get through a whole day trying to prevent DS1 touching the bl**dy fireplace other than spend the entire day being his entertainer???

Thats why you have to enforce it.

Physically do not let him near it, remove him from room if you have to, seriously, how else will he learn that if you say no it means no.

It would have helped if he had never been allowed to touch it in the first place. 3 yrs is old enough to understand that you can't touch other people's belongings if they don't want you to.

I sympathise, ceebee. My mum was of the opinion that you tell them once and they do it, until I had my dcs and she realised that I was a very placid child and her theory doesn't work so well on some children.

Whatever the reason - danger/mess - it's your mum's house so she can decide if he's allowed to touch the fire or not. I think all you can do is keep telling him and why. If your mum has made the rule let her see if she can stop him from ever touching it again. I would imagine that if he's a bright and stubborn boy the more of a big deal you make of it the more he'll want to play with it.

At 3 you can't expect a child to entertain themselves for ages so I would make sure he gets outside and has some fun to minimise all opportunities for boredom-induced coal-play and other undesirable behaviours.

We had one of these when dd1 was a baby (not our choice - was already in house when we bought it) and she was told to leave it alone, but she sometimes appeared with her face completely black from eating the fake coal. She always denied she had touched it. I always reminded her not to touch but I actually thought it was quite funny.

KTNoo thank you for making me feel like I am not alone with this!

My nephew and nieces (who DS1 adores) will be there aswell but this sometimes makes him worse as he gets all giddy!!

Might try the pushchair idea - particularly as the only pushchair we will have with us is DS2's so the idea of going in a baby pushchair is probably enough to horrify him

Also I know this will probably result in a stand-off between me and him - but the last one we had was regarding him refusing to stay in bed at 4am one morning and it took him an hour and 40 minutes to back down - oh joy!!

Well, exactly. I try to avoid stand-offs. DH likes to remind me that they don't get their stubbornness from nowhere, so no-one is likely to back down quickly in our house.

There's a great book called Playful Parenting which gave me loads of ideas for getting them to do what I want without backing them into corners. I don't always have the energy for it but it gives lots of examples for using humour to diffuse potential stand-offs. My ds who is my trickiest one of the 3 responds well to that kind of approach. If he senses I'm about to give him an order he can go from calm to full-on tantrum in about 2 seconds, but he seems to feel much less threatened by the playful approach.

I do sometimes stick him on the bottom stair or in his room but it's more so that he can calm down.

Ceebee74 Yes, in an ideal world (which is where most of these 'posters' obvious live) your ds would listen, understand and confirm ... however, your little lad is the same of many other children who have an inquisitive nature. Some kids are drawn to the 'no go' areas, especially when it's in someone else's house. He is obviously fascinated with the coals and he'll remember them as a big part of his memory of Granny's house. You need to talk to him about them before he gets there and explain that they are dangerous and could hurt him,also Granny doesn't like it either ... get your mum to do the same and ask her to reprimand him if he touches them. Make sure he knows what the sanction will be if he disobeys you (you'll have to think of something you can do at your mum's house). I have experienced selective deafness and blatant defiance many, many times with my 2 ds's. Blimey, If I could get every 3 year old in the country to do as they were told and charged for it, I'd be a friggin millionaire !! Good luck.

is there anything else for him to do? is this possibly the sole entertainment while you sit and talk?

he is old enough to bribe anyway, just tell him no touching fire and find him something else to do, with a promise that he will get a prize for compliance. then you can pull out some strange toy bought from charity shop for 50p and everyone will be happy.

I was assuming that anyone with a 3yr old would have things to amuse them, if you are expecting him to sit doing nothing while you talk there is no hope!

on the one hand, obedience isn't going to come all at once or be 100% foolproof- and it would be naive to expect that with a 3yo

on the other hand, you do need to watch it if you are really frightened of a stand-off, as he will sense that and use it

imo stand-offs should be avoided if possible, by the entertaining, the playful approach etc, but once they are inevitable you need to enter into them fearlessly

the brisk cheerful goddess-approach is always good

Pisces of course we don't expect him to amuse himself while we sit and talk - am not sure that I ever said that is what we were planning on doing !!

My parents conservatory is full of toys they have collected over the years and 3 of his cousins will be there aswell - so plenty for him to do. Plus there is a playground 5 mins walk which we usually take him to for a bit.

But, we will be there for at least 7 hours so he will, at some point, get bored and want to play with the coals.

Icandothat thank you very much for your understanding words - it has made me feel much better He responds very well to bribery (espeically chocolate/smarties) so will have to think of something along those lines.

i have found that a toy is better than sweeties for a bribe of this nature as smarties work better given on the spot, whereas you need a reward at the end to sustain good behaviour.

for 7 hours i'd combine the two!

I was replying to fishie who said:

'is there anything else for him to do? is this possibly the sole entertainment while you sit and talk?'

I thought it very weird that anyone would take a 3 yr old to someones house with nothing to occupy them! I wasn't assuming that you did.

We find our just 3 yr old responds fairly well to having the riot act read to him BEFORE we go into some elses house. Ie - visting someone with very poorly feet he was sternly warned that he DID NOT go near XXXs feet or legs. that coupled with a post man pat sticker book & a fair bit of parental attention kept him on very good behaviour- oh and we try and debounce him as well with a good romp at a play ground before visit ( & maybe mid vist if it's an all dayer).
So far its worked with sore feet, dogs who don't like being touched and open fires.
Seems to work best if daddy does the stern bit, he's not quite so sure of daddies tipping point, as its mum he spends most of his time with.