Bedtime: OK, we have made a rod for our own backs, now bedtime is a nightmare and its causing major tension. Is there a softly softly approach i can persuade DP to adopt in order to get DD into bed

[lucyellensmumisgreat]

more easily!

She is almost 4 and still needs daddy to put her to bed. He has to lay with her and tell stories and play, and this goes on for HOURS.

He usually falls asleep on her bed and we end up with no time alone together EVER.
The only time i get any time on my own with DP is if we stay up til stupid o clock and then end up feeling like shit the next day.

The thing is, i cannot get through to him that this HAS TO CHANGE. DD is going to be starting school in september and a 10pm sleep time is going to cripple her. DP seems to think that her starting school will sort things out.

DD absolutely runs rings around him, if for some reason he is home late and I put her to bed, she tries it on but i can usually have her asleep by eight o clock. So the obvious answer ? I put her to bed? Nup, she absolutely will not have this if daddy is home. She plays up like mad for him, but adores him and its mutual - she is his little princess but how do i get him to realise that he is doing her a huge disservice by allowing this to go on.

Tonight was awful - it ended up with him shouting at ME in front of DD and her in a complete sobbing state.

He absolutely will not do anything like controlled crying - which its too late for anyway, or anything that involves lots of crying and tantrus - even though what he does results in upset pretty much every night because she gets over tired and strung out.

Please help - im at a loss as to how to deal with this. Its like i have to deal with the pair of them. I have been told to just let him get on with it, but for one thing, this is BAD for DD and another - i miss my man.

, thank you LEM

lucyellens........ - I have not read all posts as I am a tad weary! I had a little prob with ds (he is 2.8 so not quite as old as your lo. He did not have major sleep issues but started gettng into a terrible tizz at bedtime recently. It was horrendous. Screaming, throwing himself at door etc. Ended up me getting furious and both of us suffering as a result. He also woke at night during this period. I tried the Supernanny thing or rapid return etc but it just exacerbated matters. What cured it was me doing the normal bedtime thing and then saying that I had to go adn do something (turn off washing machine, drain the bath, whatever) and that I'd be back in a min. I kept doing this with a diff reason each time and then returning as promised. He was much calmer, and after about 4 nights it was vastly improved. Now I sometimes go back for the first visit and he is asleep. It has also stopped night wakigns and we are all a lot calmer. hth good luck and apologies ifyou have already had a post like this!

lem - how was it tonight? do tell.....

I've never had major bedtime problems but might have headed a few of at the pass with Cruisemum's 'back in a min.' technique. If they think you're coming back in 5, 10, however many minutes, they relax and ...

I know

send her to a mates and tell her that she wil have to cope if she wants to do a sleepover

Dh does bedtime in our house. We start at about 6.30pm with a bath...which he supervises. Then it is toilet, teeth, PJs and into bed. He then reads or they share books until 7.30/8pm-ish time. Then he leaves her and that is it. This way he gets a good bit of quality 1:1 time with her and I get to play on here tidy up. The ultimate threat in this house is if she mucks around with him then there is no story time. It only took a few times of us saying this for her to realise we were serious.

We've also done the penny trick (you can use sweets, chocolate buttons etc). By this I mean, we leave 3 pennies in her room. Everytime she calls us or wants us, we remove a penny. Whatever she has left the next morning can be hers to put in her piggy bank. Again this took a lot of nights for her to realise that we were carrying out what we said.
We don't need to use the penny system anymore as she never calls for us unless it is an emergency.

PS DD is 4.3yrs and only started sleeping through the night in January.

LEM - how goes it?

Another vote for the no-cry sleep solution book. v helpful.

thanks for all the replies - last night, DP announced that he would take the dog out - DD kicked off, so he caved in - she was ok going to sleep within half hour cos she is tired. Today she has a high temperature so will leave any changes until I feel she is 100%.

cruisemum, i like that idea - she does often send DP down for a drink and sometimes if she is tired he drags it out and she is asleep - i think maybe thats a good idea. Just now he says, "if you dont go to sleep im leaving the room" so thats a bad thing - will give that a try. Thanks

le.m.i.g. - Sorry to hear your lo is off colour - just typical isn't it?! The softly softly approach really did work miracles. I just got so upset with all the screams and anger that accompanied my 'supernannyesque' method that I thought there had to be a better way. No point making threats though - as you pointed out - as it is just all negatives. Just maybe tell her there is no need to get upset as daddy/mummy will be back in a minute or two. It also doubles as a more productive way to spend 20 - 30 mins as the house is tidied away between bedside visits!

Would she be persuaded by a star chart such as those seen on Supernanny? Or am I being naive here?

LEM, I do the 'i'm just going to do....' with my 2.6yo who is also an appalling sleeper and settler. It does work a treat. I've been doing it for ages and 6 nights ut of 7 I can give read his stories, lie next to him for 2 or 3 mins then say 'Mummy's just going for a wee, I'll be back in a second' and he'll give me a kiss and promptly go straight to sleep. It really does work a treat because he's not stressing that I'm leaving him.

OTOH, he will still only let me put him to bed if I'm in the house. We've made progress in that he will let dh change him and read his story (a month ago he would just scream blue murder if I didn't do all of it) but he still has to have that final cuddle from me. He's fine if I'm out but not if he knows I'm around, just like your dd. No idea how to solve that apart from time, perserverance and lots of patience, tbh.

last night, dp says "shall i take the dog out" i was a bit because DD was still running a temperature. But she didn't kick off so we run with it. Five minutes after DP went out i said come on, lets go and read a story. She did cry but by the time we got upstairs it was pretend crying "urh urh urh" sort of sound. I just ignored and got her to chose some books, i said she could have four - she chose five, and was asleep by number two! Only thing is, it was late, she was tired and had had calpol.

If she went to bed like that every night, id happily read her to sleep - in fact i would quite happily read my way through the entire chronicals of narnia but normally she plays silly buggers while we read.

Not niave about the star charts, but we just don't seem to be able to enforce them. DP has a habit of awarding stickers if she gets upset about lack of stickers .

He means well!

lemig - so that is progress at least. Wonder how tonight will go. Keep posting!

cruisemum - DP working late tonight, DD asleep by 7.40!!! yea me!! Of course now i feel guilty for carting her off to bed too early but honestly, i reckon she is shattered, had some really late nights and its taking its toll on her. Of course she will be up at the crack of dawn but thats good, she'll be tired by bedtime!

She cried for DP, i could have let her stay and wait for him but i sent him to the shops to make him later . I read untold books, but i didn't mind because she listened, and i will happily read ad infinitum so long as she doesn't play silly beggers.

I phoned DP and told him, he was

oh stop making excuses!
no " oh but we wont start today"
you are being a wuss ;)

lemig - that is fab! well done!
Squidward - that's a bit harsh!

squidward, did you not read the rest of the thread ;) wuss, my arse!

I know
it was a teasing comment but you need to AGREE a policy and then stick to it.

tell him

oh sorry i think i DID MISs the 20 15 post.
how odd.

well done lem! i wonder what time she'll wake up....

it is difficult to enforce bedtimes with only one child.

Does your sucess on the nights he is out not prove to your DH that there is another way Lucyellens?

Work on keeping him out till after bedtime for the rest of the week maybe then have a chat with him at the weekend. It's obvious that there is no real need for the 3 hour bedtimes and it can be done without tears, if you can do it then he should be able to as well.

DH and I agreed when DS was small what bedtime would entail and we both do it exactly the same. We're really lucky that DS will go to sleep for both of us and we can both do bedtime from bath to lights out in under an hour

echo the sentiments of Squidward inasmuch as you should agree to a method and then stick to it. your dd has to see you stand united!
Fishie - disagree about bedtimes being more diff to enforce with one lo. Makes little or no difference, in fact much easier with only one to concentrate on

hi lucy, don't have much advice for you sorry , i am in exactly the same situation as you ATM , we kept our dd (3.6) in our bedroom with us (mostly in our bed) until last week , now i am having to get up 4-5 times every night 2 try get her back to sleep in her own bedroom , she is having tantrums almost every night for the last 5 nights & at this sage i feel like a zombie for the want of a good nights sleep , my dh works shift work & gets in2 bed & sleeps through the whole commotion so i am coping with her on my own , she has eczema which has flarred up with the heat so thats not helping , i blame myself for not getting her into her own bedroom when she was a baby but she was a prem baby & always tiny for her age so i always worried about her ,
best of luck with your dd

Lucy, hope your lo's better. I too have a child who can stay awake for 2/3 hours - drives me insane some nights. But we have won the battle over leaving the room. You have to be firm and consistent - easier said than done with a sloppy DH..! Why not get some audio books - let her choose them and make it into a big thing/ treat. Say she can have one book from you or Daddy, then she must lie down and can have an audio book to listen to to go to sleep. After all it's not her fault it's like this, so she needs an incentive to change. If she kicks off, don't engage with it. You don't have to do controlled crying or anything that brutal, but you can do a version - I used to sit outside DS's room and read a book so he could see me - if he started messing around I'd quietly say well I'll have to go then. If he carried on I went. I only came back if he promised to stay in bed. Once he'd got the hang of that, I started saying I'll just go to get a cup of tea or something and stretched the time before I came back. Now I don't sit there at all. Takes a time, but it's a gentle way, so your DH might approve...?!