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Witnessed very poor parenting today, feel atrocious, what on earth can I do?

52 replies

Jumente · 18/06/2009 21:51

I was driving to Argos after leaving ds at a friend's house after school.

Along a busy road by an industrial estate a woman was walking away from a child of about 8 or 9, who screamed as I drove past in such a heart rending manner i COULD not carry on - I drove up the road to a mini roundabout and came back.
His mother had left him at the side of the road, crying his heart out, and carried on walking with her buggy and a 2/3 year old strapped in, who seemed Ok.

The boy was walking slowly when I had parked, and I had seen his mum hiding with a look of glee on her face behind a hedge.

The boy was crying and looked blank. I said 'Are you Ok? Your mum is just behind that hedge' and he kind of looked at me and pointed vaguely after her saying 'gone look for my mum' in a way reminiscent of a four year old.

She came out from the hedge grinning at me and I said something or other about it, and she told me she thought he would hurry up if she hid. I said 'it didn't work, I don't think he understands' and she seemed unpeturbed, and made to go off at which point the boy obviously annoyed her somehow and she grabbed his arm viciously and threw him onto the pavement, where he lay crying again.

I went back (ds2 was in the car) and started asking her if he was getting any help, and she said 'he's got problems, he's got ADHD and stuff' I said #are you getting any help for him' and she said 'yeah I'm doing the forms at the moment'

she seemed very happy to talk, despite being obviously pretty cruel and kept saying things like ;he's a little shit, he's been winding me up all the way from school, he's fine with his dad, does everything right for his dad but me, he knows how to wind me up. They're both little shits so I'm not having any more'. She also said it was very frustrating for her, and I can see it must be if he behaves like a small child continually, but heck, adhd? Why has his probable autism (I mentioned this and she agreed) or similar not been picked up? He was 8 or 9.

All the time smiling - she looked really deranged. I was trying so hard to think what to say while I ahd a chance, but all \i could think of was to say to the little boy 'you're a good lad aren't you' and smiling at him, and telling her I found my ds1 really hard at times but you need to step back.

I left them saying 'you need to watch it treating him like that, you'll get into trouble, it looks quite violent' but she just seemed oblivious and wandered off with them both.

I turned round again and as I drove by, he was again sat on the pavement further up the road - i waved, he waved back blankly and started to try and come after the car
but I had to go or she might have thought I was following them.

I have felt wretched all evening about it. It was truly shit and I even rang the nspcc who suggested contacting his school, in case they are able to identify her/the lad, but there was nothing they could do.

What should i have done or said. Poor kid.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
BananaFruitBat · 18/06/2009 23:11

Sadly, no. It was just a stab in the dark really.

Good luck though.

Jumente · 19/06/2009 07:00

It's Ok BFB, thanks...Apple, that's excellent, just what I wanted to hear - if it can actually make a difference then I am so pleased.

I emailed the school last night and have asked them to call me if they want more info etc.

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serajen · 19/06/2009 10:49

Jumente, hats off to you, I feel physically sick when I see a child being treated badly in public and can't get it out of my head, please let us know how things go, I pray this little boy finds some comfort

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Jumente · 19/06/2009 12:01

Thanks Sera it was very shocking especially to see him being thrown to the ground like that. If a man did that to a woman in the street EVERYone would stare and probablty someone would call the police - which I'd have done had I had my mobile on me.

I've had an email back from the school and they are going to try and investigate. I don't know if it was one of their kids but I think it's likely considering several factors.

I doubt I will hear any more but hope fervently that something is going to be done. Couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it.

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iluvchrismoyles · 19/06/2009 12:07

u did do right thing,the mum may seem like shes deranged,if she wasnt before she had her son,it certainly can affect the best of us in that way.at least social services should put support in place,i namechanged because i have a son with adhd and on the face of it looked like i was coping,but boy was everyone wrong,i dont believe in smacking,but i can remeber feeling like i just wanted to smack him so hard because of how he was destroying me,on the other side of this horrible time now you realise just how bad things had got and if just some form of help had been there,even if its the dreaded s services what a differant time it could have been,so yes you make the calls,you may be resented to start with for calling s services but surely things can only get better

Jumente · 19/06/2009 12:20

Thankyou so much for sharing that Iluv...it means a lot and I appreciate it. I also think you are very strong for admitting how it feels to have a SN child - God knows I've struggled with my NT child, so although I can't imagine the pain of it I know something about the frustration.

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GertBertandFlirt · 19/06/2009 12:48

Namechanged for this because dry don't want anyone in RL to know .

You have done the right thing without a doubt .

Last Xmas I witnessed a family at my dc's school repeatedly bully their 6 year old who had LD . The family consisted of the Grandma and Auntie who were very loud scary people who used to basically hit the little boy round his head and one time the Grandma ran up and kicked him so hard he was swept off his feet and landed on his back on concrete it was hometime and every other parent saw but I was the only one who went in and spoke to school about t .
The boys mother also seemed terrified of the Grandma and auntie but was living with the Grandma and would sit and tell us how she wasn't allowed her bank card and other awful stuff.
After seeing the Grandma punch the little boy I reported again to school and rang the NSPCC after some hand holding on MN .
Now the woman has moved out of her mothers house and has her own place with her sons. This is because of help she recieved after I passed on the information.I saw her a few weeks ago in passing and she was like a different person she said her Ds had settled at his new school and was much more settled and learning sign language .
Sorry it was such a long post but I wanted to let you know how pleased I was I made the call it took a lot of time for me to do it and I felt awful for months after but I know I did the right thing and you did too .
You may have made a huge difference to that families life well done.

Jumente · 19/06/2009 12:52

Oh God that sounds so horrific

Poor little boy. I think sometimes there can be a prevailing ignorance about LD/SN within a family...it sounds as though they are far better off with some distance.

Well done for stepping in. I'm so glad you did, I really hope this kid (and his brother) get some more support and help.

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mum2RandR · 19/06/2009 13:56

I think you did brilliantly. I dont know if I would of had the guts to do what you did, no matter how much I would have wanted to.
Hopefully you can get in contact with the school, do you drive that way at the same time most days, if you did maybe you would see them again and be able to see what school he goes to?

singingmum · 19/06/2009 14:14

May I just point out that you have judged v.harshly on the mum with words like insane.My youngest brother has adhd etc. and was a nightmare.People used to accuse my mum of hurting him and throwing him when she would grab his arm as he would throw himself down in a way that looked like my mum did it.He was v.little when he started this.As for the walk on when child playing up this is actually a good tactic at times as they do usually follow and my mum was told to do this by hv.I'm not saying that the mum did nothing wrong but with ADHD children tend to mainly misbehave for the mother and be ok for others and it makes it hard to get help as people don't believe you.I myself experienced a lot of probs with my son from age 6 to about 12 and I know that many on here would have gone mad if they saw me dealing with him as I had to often hold him in my arms and he'd struggle but if I didn't he would hurt others and himself.
Please imagine how it feels to be the mum you may have been one of the first people to even try to help and even yopu are judging that it's her fault.I've come through what happened with my sons behaviour and he is now a lovely though averagly moody 14yr old who is caring kind and thanks me for stopping him from doing worse than he did.I live with the memory of being hit and kicked by my son on an all to regular occasion and when it happened I found myself wishing I hadn't bothered and just got someone else to help him but am now glad I didn't.It's very bloody hard to be in the position where you are a target of your own child and can drive some people crazy.I was lucky in that i had seen my mum go through it and had even helped her.Yes the woman needs help but go through the school and do not be so quick to believe that she is pure evil

iluvchrismoyles · 19/06/2009 15:14

singingmum they havent it does look bad,sounds bad and like you say is really hard to believe just how things really are,unless like you and myself who have been through it,we can hav a little rant about people not understanding,but it wont change a thing and if just one kiddie gets some help because someone made a call all the better,i made the calls myself broke my heart to my family and got jack from anyone,in fact my super family used to undermine me at every point,my sister used to buy alcahol for her 14yr old and i was attacked for not allowing mine to do the same.adhd is a very complex illness and can cause massive repercussions

singingmum · 19/06/2009 15:49

The thing is social services have a tendency to act first and question later which is why I was saying that if she could find a better way to support the child ie try to become friendly with the mum as then she could judge closer what was happening rather than split second decision and also the fact that the mum said that she was filling in the forms for help which should hopefully lead to help for all.
I get a litle emotional as not many people believe what I was saying about what was happening

singingmum · 19/06/2009 15:50

sorry believed not believe

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/06/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

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iluvchrismoyles · 19/06/2009 16:12

shine dont want you getting lynched for answering honestly and obviously if you did it would be for yourself and not on behalf of the rest of the police force but was is your honest opinions on adhd,my son the last i heard was on bail for burglary and the last i heard is he was attending court because he'd breached his bail conditions

Jumente · 19/06/2009 17:11

Singingmum you were brave to say what you did and I'm very very sorry if I have upset you. I didn't say, or think, that she was evil - I could tell she was under massive pressure and really struggling to cope with it and that is exactly what I told the NSPCC and what I implied when I spoke to her directly.

I apologise for using words such as crazy and loony, I did this as it is how she appeared to me - literally, I think she has some form of mental illness as she was really, really strange - it was almost as though she was high on something? If you get what I mean. Either way the children and their mum need support - and I didn't feel qualified to give it myself, though I should have liked to do anything I could.

Hope that makes it a bit clearer, my brain was on overdrive last night so I don't think I was typing very clearly - sorry again and your son sounds great.

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Jumente · 19/06/2009 17:12

Shineon - really? Reading what Singingmum says I am unsure now whether she threw the child down or just grabbed him v roughly and then he threw himself down - he did seem to spend a lot of time on the pavement so it could have been that.

Maybe I will call them. I don't know what is best.

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Mamazon · 19/06/2009 17:27

mum does sound as though she is far from the greatest parent in the world but as the mother of a child with similar issues to this boy i can tell you that your parenting skills are frequently tested to the limit.

i have also hid around corners in the hope that ds will follow rather than stand still refusing to budge.

yes she probably does need a bit of help but from your op its certainly not a SS case and nor is it really any of your business.

Jumente · 19/06/2009 17:30

I disagree Mamazon - sorry, I do know how difficult even an NT child can be, so can sort of imagine how far beyond that it must push you - really to the limit and past that.

But I think if I had witnessed an assault on a woman by another adult it would have been my business to report it - so why not when it was a little boy?

I didn't stop because I thought I could do anything, I stopped because it was impossible for me to carry on and not stop.

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Jumente · 19/06/2009 17:33

Also I doubt you describe your children as ;little shits' to complete strangers. I am sure as a parent she has good qualities - heavn knows I can be totally rubbish at times, but I think she was finding it almost impossible to step back and seemed GLAD that I had stopped. I was just glad she didn't lamp me really. But I felt extremely sorry for her as well as her kids. I'm not trying to judge her, I'm trying to help.

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Mamazon · 19/06/2009 18:09

calling a child a little shit isn't ideal but its far from abuse/neglect.

If you had approached me in this way i'd have been embarassed and try to scurry off.

i think she has enough to deal with without having to explain herself to a stranger

sunfleurs · 19/06/2009 18:37

OP, I have tears in my eyes reading this. My ds is ASD, I try to read up on it and learn as much as I can about it to understand why he does what he does. I sometimes feel so grateful that I had him and not someone else who might think he was just being naughty or a "little shit" or "winding me up". My Dad says things like this sometimes about ds - he doesn't believe in autism and it makes my blood boil.

It does not sound to me like he is getting sympathetic parenting to his needs and for that reason I would definitely get in touch with his school and give a full account of what you witnessed. I think it IS your business and I think you are great for stopping and saying something.

iluvchrismoyles · 19/06/2009 19:50

dont worry my dad said it was me ,2 stop going on bout it,he said he has all these grandkids and treats them all the same!he did just that,gave him a couple of quid everytime he saw him and yes adhd meant daily,then straight to the shop and bought ciggies from 12yrs old,instead of his grandad taking him the 2min journey to the shop and supervising his spend,oh no that was just breaking the mould. my son quickly moved onto drugs,smoking dope at school then any chance he could get it,and like i say alcahol was then given to him by his cousins which my sister bought for him at 14yrs old and dropped him to the park where all the kids met up,my nephew didnt have behavioral problems and luckily used his common sense and did well for himself carving out a nice career on leaving school,my son on the other hand didnt stand a chance,we tried so hard ,getting him involved in youth groups,supervised activities

wrinklytum · 19/06/2009 19:58

Oh what a sad thread.Poor boy.It is very hard sometimes being the parent of a sn child with learning delay (I speak from experience).Maybe she was having a ereally bad dday but the physical violence thing is awful.I think you have done the right thing OP and hope this family can get some help

wrinklytum · 19/06/2009 19:59

Oh what a sad thread.Poor boy.It is very hard sometimes being the parent of a sn child with learning delay (I speak from experience).Maybe she was having a ereally bad day but the physical violence thing is awful.I think you have done the right thing OP and hope this family can get some help

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