When to start trying for DC2??!!

[Pippinn]

Hi, wasn't sure which forum to post this in so apologies if wrong one...Just need some advice and thoughts on my latest issue.

I have 1DS who is almost 15months and totally gorgeous and I'm loving being a mum. I have now started thinking about a second DC but have some doubts and worries. Practically I had previously decided to wait until DS was at least 2years before thinking about trying, but lately I keep wistfully thinking about having a 2nd sooner.

My concerns are that:
I couldn't possibly love a 2nd as much as DS (although I'm sure most mums think that).

I have only recently returned to work (part time) and it might piss them off a bit.

I won't be able to cope with a 2yr old and a newborn - how do you even leave the house?!

It's all really nice and (relatively) easy with DS now and I don't want to mess that up and make life harder for myself.

Despite all these worries I can't help this nagging feeling that a 2nd would be lovely and it would be nice for them to be close in age. What have other people found - should I put it from my mind and rethink in a few months or just get cracking (conceived straight away with DS but ofcourse it could take a lot longer).

I would just be interested to hear how other people have got on with 2 close together - was it a good decision or do you wish you'd waited a bit.

Hi Pippinn

Can I start by saying that I too only have one ds (11months) at the moment, and have had the "when for the next one" conversation with my partner several times, and each time we come up with something different.
We are getting married in 2 months so it would be totally impractical to even contemplate it at the moment - but would definitely like another one one day!

Anyway with regard to your concerns:

I couldn't possibly love a 2nd as much as DS (although I'm sure most mums think that).
I've heard a lot of mums say that, yet in hindsight they cannot believe they said such a thing, and love both children equally once the second one has arrived.

I have only recently returned to work (part time) and it might piss them off a bit.
I really wouldn't worry about work - I know someone who went back to work after 6 months, only to discover she had accidentally fallen pregnant whilst breastfeeding, and was already 3 months pg on starting back!! Her work was fine about it. I suppose it depends on the employer, but I really wouldn't even consider their feelings when making this decision (sorry if a bit harsh!)

I won't be able to cope with a 2yr old and a newborn - how do you even leave the house?!
My friend has 2 boys and they are exactly 2 years apart - she was worried how she would cope, but she had a lot of support from family, and her newborn was so good compared to what her first born had been like that she found it a breeze! I think it all depends on what sort of a baby you have. If I had another like my ds when he was newborn, I think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But of course you can't know this in advance !

It's all really nice and (relatively) easy with DS now and I don't want to mess that up and make life harder for myself.
I feel exactly the same - I would love another baby as I would really like a girl playmate for my ds, but like you I am quite content and feel I am just about coping to look after myself, ds, dp and get the housework done!
It would be such a shock to the system!

I think as well there are other factors such as what sort of a birth you had - apparently if you have had a c-section, you should wait at least 2 years before trying for another.

My sister and I are 20 months apart, and a lot of people my age have around about that age gap between their siblings. To me it is sort of the norm, although nowadays from what I can see, a lot of people are leaving bigger age gaps.
I had a fantastic relationship with my sister and we used to play together so did not demand a lot of my parents attention (another bonus!).

I think I started a thread on this when I was feeling broody a few months ago - I'll see if I can find it and link to it as there were some really good replies.

Hope that helps and is not too confusing!

Hi

Mine are close in age, but closer than yours would be. To answer your concerns.

1. Yes, you will love them as much - children bring their own love to a family.

1. Don't know about that, but there's never a good time to have a baby, so I would ignore work - isn't your family more important than pissing off a few people a bit?

3 & 4. Yes, it will be immensely hardwork, emotionally and physically but it will be worth it! IME (I have four DCs all less than 2y apart), siblings who are close in age play brilliantly together when they're old enough to. They bicker too, but that's made up for by how lovely they are together the rest of the time.

If you're worried about 'starting again' with a baby, then definitely do it now - the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to go back to babydom!

If I had my time again, I'd still have them close together. It is exhausting, but great, great fun.

Go for it!

Hmmmm, flamingobingo, you're making me think about it now too..............!

I agree with everything everyone else has said - but wanted to add - you might not have much say in the matter. We fell pregnant first month with DS (3) yet it's taken us 14 months and Clomid to fall pregnant (still first trimester). So our planned age gap meant nothing when nature got involved.

So DS will now be 3.5 when DC2 arrives (assuming all goes ok) and if you think life is easy with one young toddler, I'm freaking about the disruption a baby will bring to a life where I can walk out the door with NOTHING and know we can have a great day. Or spontaneously stay at a BBQ until DS crashes, rather than race home for bedtime. Our lives have well and trul regained normality, the baby stage long gone, and I'm worried I'm going to have forgotten what to do!

So honestly, I think the only considerations needs to be: do you want another child? and could you cope with getting pregnant now?

Hello Pippin and welcome to MN

Hope you won't mind a bloke answering.

We have DS1 and DS2 and we love them equally. They are 25.5 months apart and now they are 9 and 7 years old it works really well because the age gap is small enough to make them true 'friends' and 'brothers' and 'playmates. They actually entertain each other rather than playing separately. They can go to things like clubs together as well now so that makes life a lot easier.

As they get older the relative age gap will get smaller and smaller. It was quiet hard work to start with as DS1 was energetic toddler into everything and DS2 was a tiny baby but its perfect now.

With regard to your employer, well you could just keep saying "it might piss them off a bit" for ever. Being an employee in the current climate gives you very little protection - they could just make you redundant next month anyway whether pregnant or not. Being pregnant might even give you a bit more protection.

If you started now you could have 2 DCS 25 months apart like we do and I and sure you would not regret it. Its not bound to happen straight away and could easily take a year.

Unless there are serious health, financial or relationship problems - I would always tell anyone in your position to just go for it now. I guess the only thing that you really need to do now is make sure DH/DP is happy with that decision.

Good luck!

I would second what Weegle said.
When dd1 was 13 months old we decided to 'see what happens' and I was pregnant that month!
Fast forward to when dd2 was 13 months old and 'see what happens' turned into a long wait and then I miscarried. Now have ds1 who was born when dd2 was almost 3. So, you never know what will happen. Go for it!

Pippinn I also give this a lot of thought. My DD is 19mo now and i love her so much and she is such good fun that on the one hand it makes me want another one, but on the other hand it makes me want to have just her for a little while longer. We have talked about it and think will will try when she gets to 3, but sometimes i think thats too long.

I think there is no right or wrong answer, it is a decision only you and your Dh can make, as only you know what your circumstances are, financial, age, amount of space etc

Good luck

Well I have a DD who is almost 2 and a DS who is 5 months old. I am nearly 40 so we decided we'd better go for No 2 fairly quickly but took 18 months TTC DD and 2 months TTC DS so gap was a little bit smaller than expected!

You will definitely be able to love No 2 as much! My DS is so sweet I love him to bits. DD and him have also started to interract more and she loves (I think!) having her brother around. Not really any jealousy yet.

Really would not worry at all about the work issue.

Coping with an 18 month old and a baby was actually easier than I thought it would be. You've been through the baby stage before which makes it MUCH easier. I'm out and about just as much as before. Actually I'm probably out more or have people round more as it's always easier to have another adult around however many children there are.

DS probably gets left to his own devices more than DD did, in his chair, on his mat etc because I can't devote all my time to him like I did to DD but, as one friens pointed out, he is actually probably getting far more stimulation and activity than DD did as she and friends etc are always rushing around doing things in front of him.

If you want another I'd just get on with it. all age gaps have pros and cons and you don't know how long it's going to take.

Good luck!

I'm alos trying to decide when to start trying for DC3! Maybe a bit of a bigger gap this time!

I have a two year, 3 week gap.

I have very little help and I was so worried about getting out and about but DD was born on a Tuesday evening and by the following Monday we were out and about as usual. I found it a massive relief not being pregnant any more.

I also think it's benefitted DS a lot having a little bit less attention than he was IYSWIM.

The only thing I will say about this gap is that the 4 month sleep regression in the baby and the 2.5 year sleep regression in he toddler happens at about the same time (grrr) and you may well be weaning and toilet training at the same time so your washing machine might never stop!!

We started ttc dd2 when dd1 was 10mths old, but it took us over 2yrs. so dd1 was 3.9yrs when dd2 was born. We then had an 'accident' when dd2 was 10mths and now have ds so we have an age gap of 18mths.

My concerns are that:

I couldn't possibly love a 2nd as much as DS (although I'm sure most mums think that).

Yes, I think that is a normal thought

I have only recently returned to work (part time) and it might piss them off a bit.

They might be 'pissed off' but there is not a lot they can do about it.

I won't be able to cope with a 2yr old and a newborn - how do you even leave the house?!

I wont lie I found it realy hard going from 1 to 2 children. But it did help that dd1 started preschool the week after i had dd2 so i had to be up and out for 8.25am, so that dd1 got to school.

I would and still do is when dd1 woke up i got her changed and dressed before we came downstairs (now do this with both dd2 & ds).

I found i needed to be quite strict about routine so we managed to get to where we needed to be.

would just add i'd factor in your age - if you are in your 20s you can afford to space them out a bit: if you are 38, i'd frankly get on with it now (spoken from the perspective of ttc no 2 at 37 and finding it a lot harder than the first time!). otherwise jsut what everyone else has said - for many people these are the same concerns you'd have about a first kid (will i love it, will i be able to cope, what will work think) - we all have them and sort of forget we had them until considering a second when they all come flooding back....

Thanks so much for all your v helpful comments.

I'm 32 so no spring chicken but also feel I don't have to rush into it just this minute because of my age.

I completely take on board what people have said about not knowing how long it will take once we do decide to take the plunge - isn't that just a bugger! If only we could know in advance it would take x months it would make the decision so much easier! I would be devastated to think I wouldn't be able to have another and so shouldn't take it for granted that I'll get pregnant just because I've decided the time is right...Hmmmm lots to think about, thanks everyone