I know I've over-reacted over this, but it's just not the way I want my dd to turn out

[Rhubarb]

I've noticed recently, well I suppose more than recently but perhaps I've been ignoring it, that dd is extremely negative. For instance, if we are to go somewhere, like the zoo, she'll think of one bad thing about going. When she comes home from school she tells me all the bad things first, such as "It's not fair, the green table got 10mins of choosing time and we didn't just because the others weren't ready on time" - everything seems to centre about it not being fair on her.

Now a bit of background you should know. My family are a bunch of depressives, bar myself (at times) and my sister. If they go on holiday, they never have a good time, they always have to moan. Nothing is ever good enough and no matter what you do, they'll only ever see what you don't do. It's been like that ever since I remember and I've tried so so hard to break free from it.

This morning dd comes up to me and I ask her if she's excited about her friend coming for tea tomorrow. She nods and then says "but it's not fair because when ds went to his friends house they had a party and he got to eat party food, whereas I didn't, and now my friend's coming but ds will be here."

I must admit I lost it a bit. I've been ignoring her negativity so far, but this week is a bit of a strain, I'm on my own, and I just lost it.

Now I'm devastated. Because I lost it with her. Because I feel I've failed as a mother. Because I can see the person she'll grow up to be and I don't want her to be that person.

Please please give me some advice on how to deal with it. Please tell me that this is not the way she's going to turn out.

Thanks everyone, will take these suggestions on board. The code word is useful and yes I will have a word with her teacher to see how she is there.

And read Pollyanna with her and the Glad Game stuff in it!

I would think Pollyanna would cause a huge fit of eye-rolling in any half-intelligent child.

Grimma I agree. I would find it hard to sell Pollyanna as being anything other than bleeding annoying, myself

I could have written your post Rhubarb. DD3 is 11 and has been like this for years. E.g. new tables at school. 2 children she likes and one she doesn't. It's not fair, Zoe's got 3 friends on her table, and I always get Jack on mine. We only had 20 mins for PE and the other class had 45 etc etc.
Lying in bed at night I promise myself that I will raise her self-esteem and not get snappy, but I fail every day and we argue. I think it is in the genes but just hasn't manifested itself in the other dds.

Who the feck is Pollyanna? Another pop starlet?

ellingwoman, let's take these suggestions and battle on shall we? Come on now, we CAN make you positive! We SHALL make you positive!

Let's annoy the feck out of them until they submit!

pollyanna was hayley mills film where she found something to be glad about every day

I think that I would say to her that everyone likes a moan and you don't mind listening, but for every moan you want one good thing to say as well-so for example if something has gone wrong at school you want something that went right.

We sat down last night to tea and they both had to tell me one thing that was good about their day, one bad thing and then end on a last good thing.

Guess which one got the most airtime?

My DD aged 9 is just like this. (We have done pollyanna ) I put it down to hormones .....

My nearly nine year old boy is like this now. It's upsetting because he was always such a cheerful child, and I was so glad he hadn't turned out like me (I have to work hard at not being a moaner).

We do the Three Worst Things followed by Three Best Things at tea time. Yesterday one of my best things was that my new socks were comfortable.

Think I need to set a better example!

Although I am a natural moaner, I am a happy sort of person generally.

Bear with it.

Pollyanna is the heroine of a classic children's novel who is irritatingly bouncy and refused to be downcast even when people were monstrous. '

'Oh no, the evil factor owner has sacked the entire workforce and Mrs Bloggs is on the street with ten children and the littlest one has polio and the cat's pinched the last ounce of milk and been sick...'

'Well, I find there's always something to be grateful for. Maybe we could knit the cat sick into a pleasing rustic drinks mat and sell it at the school fete?'

factory

I was in tears yesterday. dd3 is away for the week at Kingswood (before she went - won't be able to do activities because of a broken arm, in a group with no one she likes, will probably be in a dorm with no one she likes etc etc). Anyway we received a postcard yesterday saying she was SO happy and it was lots of fun and she had been able to do every activity so far! There was one itsy bitsy moan about the weather but the rest was so upbeat I was stunned! I'm praying the rest of the week was as good and when I see her tomorrow she will be focussed on the good times!

Well dd had her friend round today and they seemed to be having a great time! I dropped the friend off home and asked dd to name one good thing she liked about having her friend over, she said she couldn't really think of one, I asked why and she said;
"Well we had to play in the garden for ages to wait for her mum to come and drop off her stuff and that was really boring"

So I said our code word "piggybum" which made her giggle and then she told me that it was great fun!

So I recommend the codeword.

How was today Rhubarb?

Dd3 home and buzzing. Had the BEST dorm, the BEST group, did ALL the activities. The only negatives were minor ones and they weren't the first things she mentioned (unusual).

I'm going to try the codeword as things will probably be back to normal in a couple of days!

It sounds like a phase that a lot of kids go through. Especially teenagers! She's just started a bit early! It dosn't mean that she's a depressive though. Could it be peer group pressure?

watched this with interest. MY dd1 (also aged 8) is so negative too..the 'not fair' line is one we hear every day. So if it's a phase, at what age do they grow out of it..some one please tell me.

And Abetrdad..how did you 'learn' to get out of it? Are there particular strategies you used?

A few months ago, UK kids (where I live) where deemed to be the 'unhappiest' with their lot. When I lived in Oz for a short time - and it might have been the sun - but all the kids looked worry-free and happy. Is it a national disposition to be negative in Britain? What are we doing wrong..it just seems so prevalent amongst 8 yr olds here

Dd1 (9) is like this. It's like waiting for a grenade to go off some days. Hoping it's just a phase. Before she hits puberty .

With you on this Rhub and still failing with my 11 YO step daughter. Our time out last night at the cinema was peppered with a litany of moans about the fact her brother (whose birthday it was) had charge of the popcorn bag. It was still on going on the way home...same with school. Not fair (mum lets her sister have a phone) not fair (other class got to have lollies as they won the house points compo). I try and fail not to think brat sometimes. I will try the positive story thing at tea time!!