why does my ds1 3 years cry at everything?i really need to let off some steam!

[kutilputil]

hi, i know its late but this seems to be the only time i get to myself and i seem to think better...or maybe think too much around now!
i have two boys ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 5 months.
ds1 is a fantastic little boy, a joy to be with and a breeeze to bring up. he listens well, is very thoughtful, loving and intelligent. we hardly do any playgroups/nursery etc but do tend to go out and about and am always socialising. amongst his frineds and relatives he is never the one who causes disruption and almost always plays well and communicates effectively.
the only problem we are facing since just before the arrival of ds2 is that he crys and whinges at everything. he crys when he wakes, he crys when tired, he crys when things dont go to plan, he crys when other kids lash out or disrupt play....i know this all sounds normal and I KNOW IT IS, its just that when you are among people most tend to see him as a whiner and its "oh here he goes again" attitude....and i am fed up. i sometimes feel he has socialised too much as we are out and about almost every day...maybe we should just stay at home as he seems to be happier and peaceful then. we just had an incident today when we went round my brothers. there were lots of family and ds1 was happily watching tv when my nephew number 3 came along (7 months younger) and for no reason whacked ds1 accross the head with a drink bottle. my hubby and another uncle saw this but no one really raised a finger, hubby didn't as he felt there was no point in making a scene. but ds1 cried and cried and cried. i wasn't there so am saying it as it was told to me.everyone tried to console him but nothing helped and he just got worse. my nephew was just told by his mum that he should go to dad as he will deal with him and his dad mildly said go upstairs but ds1 wasn't comforted and this escalated. hubby then frustrated at the situation and everyones reaction told ds1 off by shouting. he finally said he was crying because he got hit but in the end he looked like the pathetic kid rather than nephew who ALWAYS hits and disrupts. he hits his older two brothers and his parents find this acceptable whereas we dont tolerate any violence and so ds1 is not violent at all. sometimes i feel like telling him to whack him back so he learns a lesson!
dont know where i am going with this, just need to get it off my shoulder. ds1 pee'd in his pants which he never does and went to bed without dinner and i feel so hurt. mostly hurt by those around us who would let kids get away with murder as long as they dont cry and get upset at injustice...is this fair?

I've lots of sympathy but not much advice, I'm afraid.

Perhaps he is overdoing it a bit. We all get more easily upset when we are overtired and he is only three, so perhaps if he just pottered at home or in the park with you more it would do him good.

And it could be a way of asking for attention. Babies of five months are still pretty demanding and perhaps he feels he has to cry to get his share too, or that if the baby gets what he wants when he cries then that's the way to do it.

Family set-ups can be hard work as there is an unspoken pressure to have a beautifully behaved LO. Sometimes it's easier to be among strangers at toddler groups etc. They don't care so long as no-one whacks their child.

MoominMymbleandMy thanks for the reply. yes you could be right about the over tired as he does play up when tired but he also crys when he is alert and happy, it just takes a trigger, especially when something doen't go as he planned or hoped and especially when he is wronged...he is a just kid and always makes sure othes get their share. as for his younger brother, well he really doesn't play up so much at home as i make sure he gets most of the attention, sometimes i feel i am neglecting ds2 by worrying about ds1. you are right about family, they are blood for gods sake but behave so judgemental whereas i feel so comfortable with my friends who make me feel so rlaxed about ds1 and so he rarely crys then. my brother breaks my heart as i dont feeel he has any love for my ds1 and he would rather we displine him than forgive him, but he is a hypocrite when it comes to his kids, had that been ds1 hitting nephew he would really lose it with ds1 and for the whole evening he would be mean to him. my hubby says my brother needs to mature even at 35!

i am so tired today and the feeling of letting ds1 down more and more is killing me....i had so much to do i just could not make much time for him, and it had to be today that he requested to make cake....and what happens i have no bloomin sugar!i feel awful.....

I'm so sorry He sounds really sensitive and that's not a bad thing!

There is a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" by Elaine Aron. It really helps one to understand where kids like this are coming from. They just don't respong to the "Oh, you're OK, shrug it off" type of response.

Ds1 was like this and I had to stop playdates for a time with my best friend b/c her son was just too aggressive for my son. It was very awkward but I just felt that I couldn't put ds1 in that situation anymore. As he gets older you can do social stories where you write/read/talk about various situations but for now, at ae 3, you just need to try to protect him as best you can. Getting a new sibling can be hard and on sensitive children it is even more difficult. I would agree that socializing a bit less might be a good thing in the short term.

Darling just because you had no sugar should in no way make you feel bad, with a baby you can't do what your kids want all of the time, stop sloshing so much presure on yourself. even if you had he maight have cried because you were mixing it and he wasn't or the sprinkles were the wrong colour.

From what you have said, you seem pretty busy socially, so maybe when the baby is asleep do something really simple, like read a book together, make a train track, simple and easy stuff to do in the house together, even if it's just 20 mins.

He will then know he will get you and only you at home for some special time. And as you are feeling peed off with others reactions (and fuck them by the way, like they have a medal with my kid has never cried written on it!) maybe you could change your social life, try a new group, we have a lovley church one here, and before you think it, they are so not the God Squad!

Does he go to pre-school? maybe even one morning a week, he would learn how to play and interact with other children, see how others behave and how others don't behave etc, give him a good rounder view of other kids other than family. It might be worth a try.

And remember he's 3, it's hard, it's hard with a baby too, tomorrow is another day, you are doing A BRILLIANT JOB!

kutiputil, just wanted to say that I have 2 dd's, 3.2 and 2. Dd1 sounds similar to your ds1, she cries and screams at the drop of a hat, she is also very clingy, and becomes very fearful if she is out of sight of me or dh. She is much worse when she is tired, or if I am, so if that is the case, I do try to have a few pottering about days. But it is hard when you have 2 to take care of, and one demands so much of your attention.

I don't have any advice (sorry!), but think I will look out for the book that jabberwocky mentioned.

Good luck.