Has any one lost a friend due to bad behaviour of friend's child?

[maria1665]

We've been friends for years, having met through children's school. Both of us have boys - my friend's son has bullied mine and other children throughout that time.

Have spoken to her and son about it on a number of occasions, and been into school, as have many other mums. The reaction is always the same - my friend crumbles visibly and then a few days later, appears to come to conclusion that the world, including me, is set against son.

Boys are now about to move to secondary school. Friend's son is petrified of bigger boys, and I am pretty sure he is going to start lashing out those in his year, including my son. My advice to my son has always been 'Give X a wide berth - just stay away.' But when X's mum and me are so close, I seem to be undermining this advice.

There was a really bad incident recently when a number of smaller children were hit and kicked badly. Son is not allowed to play out at breaktime. I was absolutely stunned when
friend said that son had just been reacting to taunting and that school should have managed his behaviour 'because they know what he's like.'

Friend is a smasher and a really high achiever, but just cannot see what her son is like.

But I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. My son has asked to be split up from X because of previous problems. I am told by previous teacher that this will be acted on.

I am wondering whether the friendship should end also.

Anyone experienced anything similar?

Not the same really but I fell out badly with my sister over an incident involving both our children. Neither of the children were old enough to be at fault it was more a disagreement about how things should be handled when something needs to be said about dangerous behaviour.

What is difficult is that in my mind it has had a number of repercussions on my relationship with my sister as well as how I am with the children of friends.

We do very much keep our distance now. My sister would like us to be closer but I feel as if we would be back to square one (almost as if I am endorsing what she said and did iyswim) and am reluctant to put my family through all that again and I also think that I just don't need the grief. in the future when the DCs are older perhaps we can put it behind us more as the situation will not be ongoing but as it is I think distance is a healthy thing in this case.

So, to cut a long post short - can you keep your distance and resurrect your friendship when the boys are older?

can you not just see your mate without the children..ie in evening or do something together...then just avoid any joint family if you want to keep the boys apart. It is hard as it sounds like you are loosing respect for her due to her reaction about son. I never BLAME parents for childs behaviour as all children are different and come with their individual challenges...although parents shoulod take RESPONSIBILTY for their childs behaviour...and the whinging everyone else fault woudl have me questioning her integrity and wondering why you waould want to be mates with someone so shortsighted

It#s no loss as the child's mother wasn't a great friend, just an old neighbour with a daughter the same age... but,,,,,,, her daughter announced to my daughter "you're not as pretty as I am". My dd came into the room and said "blah says I'm not as pretty as she is". Her mum was sitting there and said "Oh Blah!! you don't say that"! and then laughed quite heartilly. As though, yes it's true honey bunny you are prettier, but that's our smug little secret.

I am not overly sensitive, but I was getting sick of that woman anyway and that just seemed to kill any small amount of tolerance I had left for her!

I tell my daughter she's clever and confident and creative and funny and pretty. I would never encourage any conversation about so and so being prettier than somebody else. Anybody else!! Really had a bad taste in my mouth about that family and then just never made any effort to see them again.

That probably sounds really silly typed! but it was just the straw that broke a camel's back.

What a cow, maggiebee. Not surprised you went off her pdq.

I think proper friendships are very rarely based on children getting on per se, so if your mate is generally a smasher then hopefully things will recover between you. If your boys are put in separate classes at secondary that should sort the matter. You can then concentrate on the non-child related stuff and maintain a tactful silence on the subject of her son unless your friend begs you for honest advice about him.

i've broken contact with a friend as she simply refuses to dicipline her child and said childs behaviour is intolerable.

she's attacked dd with objects, shouted horrendous things at her, told her mother she was going to kill her with me and my kids in the romm, etc, etc. i got sick of it and when dd got back from her first day at playschool after ds2's birth and told me that the child told her 'i don't like babies, i'm going to kill your baby' i decided enough was enough and broke contact and do my best to avoid them altogether now.

Thanks for the advice.

It sounds like a no brainer, but I had really never considered our being friends separate from our sons' lives. Its not possible at the moment, because they are both in the same class and their lives are so inter-twined.

As you say, it will be different next year - hopefully.

I suppose then we'll find out the extent of the friendship - at the moment, I am convinced she's gone loop da loop after the latest playground incident. But then again, going temporarily bonkers comes with the terratory of being a parent.