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Parenting

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Original poster

SAHMs - how do you make youself feel sexy and interesting?

44 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 28/05/2009 16:10

I'm on maternity leave at the minute and loving spending time with DS and our new DD, but the day to day grind is getting me down. I feel its a never ending toil of housework - washing, cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, feeding, coping with DS's tantrums, etc and I kind of feel like a bit like a slave and get no thanks for any of it!

And then at the end of the day DP wonders why I don't feel like having sex!

When I was going to work at least I got the chance to dress up, do varied things throughout the day, get praised if I did well, etc so felt much better about myself.

I want to enjoy this time with my DCs as I know I'm so lucky to have them and once I go back to work I'll miss them so much, but I'm finding it hard work - my head is full of little worries - how to sort DD's cradle cap, how much should she be feeding, ways of preventing DS's bedtime tantrums, etc, etc and whenever I see friends or spend the evening with DP all I have to talk about is how long it is since DD did a poo!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

daftpunk · 28/05/2009 17:21

no anna.."sexy"..is having a look in your eye (which i have)...you can't learn that from a book...it comes naturally...

heartofgold · 28/05/2009 17:23

no, bollocks to this, connection as a couple comes from a hell of a lot more than having 'beauty treatments' or always being available for sex. it comes from working together, supporting and understanding each other and allowing different phases to evolve in your relationship. some of them will involve having less sex than others - and both partners have to deal with that imo.

with a young baby, sleepless nights, bf, dealing with (presumably) a toddler who's adjusting a new baby, transition from work to home etc. etc. exactly what you need is an additional pressure to be just as slim, hairless, perfect-skinned blah-de-flippin-blah and sexually available as you were pre-kids. yeah right

BonsoirAnna · 28/05/2009 17:23

Who said it could be learnt in a book .

But don't flatter yourself - these things are largely within everyone's control...

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lockets · 28/05/2009 17:25

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daftpunk · 28/05/2009 17:27

anna..i have never had a "beauty treatment" in my life..i can spend all day getting dirty in the garden, i still look sexy...it's a gift.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 28/05/2009 17:28

" be just as slim, hairless, perfect-skinned blah-de-flippin-blah and sexually available as you were pre-kids."

You don't have to do this but I do think you have to brush your hair, do your teeth and try and have a conversation that doesn't revolve around children. What would you want to forget about yourself jsut because you have children.

screamingabdab · 28/05/2009 17:36

Libra Did you mean brush your teeth and do your hair

heartofgold · 28/05/2009 17:39

but if all the stuff that's going on for you is to do with kids, why should you not be able to talk about that with someone? with an adult who is as emotionally invested in the wellbeing of the kids involved as you are?

being told that you're effectively not allowed to talk about it because it's boring, and beneath any normal adult who has normal concerns and a 'proper' job to go to isn't particularly supportive or conducive to making a sahm feel good about the job that she's doing, is it?

feeling unsupported and insignificant doesn't tend to give women the raging horn, ime.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 28/05/2009 17:45

Yes but the OP has said it's all she has to talk about.

screamingdab, whichever works for your DH!

screamingabdab · 28/05/2009 17:48

I agree heartofgold. It's just that, though DHs are emotionally invested, they're just not so obsessed as the average SAHM is at this stage of the DCs lives

By its very nature, being a SAHM is unrewarding. As I said before, you do need your DH to be giving you that support and praise, as you say

Gemzooks · 28/05/2009 19:27

I wonder about this too, have DS 2.7 and DD of 9 weeks.

From mums who have older kids, does it really get better?

We are just both knackered, all we do is tasks, all we do is talk about the kids, we're more like very knackered housemates just about surviving with this massive mound of logistical shit to solve!

I don't think I've ever felt less sexy and interesting, I can barely manage to have a shower at the end of the day even though I'm not really that tired any more.

please say it improves!

screamingabdab · 28/05/2009 19:47

Yes, Yes, Yes, it does get better, but you have to work together, and keep your eyes on the prize , and not get into the "I'm more tired than you" game.

Going from child 1-2 is very hard.

Baby and toddler, very, very hard (mine are 2.5 years apart).

Ours are 6 and 8.I'd say your head starts to get above water when 1 goes to school (sooner than you think), and then mojo is well and truly back now. See my tips above!

screamingabdab · 28/05/2009 19:53

Sorry, didn't mean to say you have to wait all that long for it to get better, it just gradually improves as you get used to the logistical stuff.

beanieb · 28/05/2009 19:54

what Riven said.

Ohforfoxsake · 28/05/2009 19:59

I think the first thing to do is not to worry about it, and pile more pressure on yourself to be all things. Yes its boring and tiring, yes its not glamorous and at times it can be soul destroying.

But by putting more pressure on yourself you may start to resent it.

Those little worries are what things are about at the moment. He might want to know how long it is since DD did a poo, he might want to feel included and know the minutae of the day. For a while at least.

What is really, really important, more than feeling sexy and wanting sex is to keep up your self-esteem. Go to the gym, or running, make sure you wash your hair and don't slob about in pj's 24/7. Set aside one evening a week to do some grooming, and don't let baby vomit dry in your hair.

sarah293 · 29/05/2009 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

iwouldgoouttonight · 29/05/2009 16:39

Thanks everyone for your replies - didn't get a chance to use computer again yesterday. I dd actually go out and have a haircut and a massage last week - my parents looked after the DCs for a bit, and it was lovely although in the hairdressers I just chatted about the DCs and while I was having my massage I couldn't properly switch off and relax. At the back of my mind is always must remember to buy DD a sunhat, wonder why DS didn't want to put his shoes on this morning, etc, etc!

So I do make an effort to not just slob around but even if I look presentable I don't actually feel sexy and attractive. I think its about trying to clear my mind of all the little worries of the day - DP seems to be able to just switch off easily but my mind is always full of baby crap thoughts of my beautiful children.

Good point about DPs/DHs making an effort though - DP slobs around in his 'house trousers' along with his 3 day stubble and thinks I should be falling at his feet!

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 29/05/2009 19:58

Don't be too hard on yourself, is all I'd reiterate.

I totally identify with not being able to stop thinking about the DCs. As a SAHM that's what we are programmed to do. I also find it very hard to switch off my mind.

ipanemagirl · 01/06/2009 00:30

Totally empathise with you.
I have ds 8 and dd 8 months and have had the whole of half term mostly on my own with them. dd is crawling now so I can't even limit her scope.
The amount to do is overwhelming!
I literally didn't stop today other than for a few minutes for a cup of tea.
I'm sure there are women who can do this better than me, I know there are. But I find it unrelenting, exhausting and I feel I disappear as well.
Oddly I also feel incredibly lucky and fulfilled to have these two. It seems the price of this joy is the complete exhaustion. I should be in bed now but a little time on the computer is my break.
It does get easier though!

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