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Could someone with attachment knowledge help me please with ds's separation anxiety?

3 replies

NationalFlight · 27/05/2009 09:53

Apologies that I have to post and run - but will be back later on, if anyone has any thoughts please.

Ds1 is just 6.

He's very lively, sociable and bright.

Lately he has been very very clingy, easily upset and concerned whenever I leave the room, basically.

I am being followed around the house including into the bathroom (no lock!!) and if I go in the garden without telling him, he will often run around in a blind panic, crying loudly until he finds me.

He has also been demanding cuddles very frequently - sometimes I oblige and other times I shake him off as I am carrying something, or have ds2 on my lap, or similar - I get a bit irritated but not really cross. (would probably make it worse?)

He goes to school fine. He started sleeping in his own bed about 4-6 months ago and is doing fine with that but occasionally, like last night, he gets very tearful and demands to sleep in my bed again with me and ds2. He almost seems angry but cannot explain why he is so afraid, apart from saying he is worried I will go and leave him.

I very very rarely go anywhere without him (unless he is at school, which he insists is fine)

I did take ds2 on a day trip a few months ago leaving ds1 with my mother - could this have been the trigger? He wasn't sure he could manage it at the time but had the choice to come with me or stay with her (and he is very close to her) and he chose to stay behind. I was gone for about 7 hours, nothing went wrong.

Please feel free to share any thoughts you might have re this sceanrio - I am struggling to think how best to help him get round his feelings, as although it is not a terrible nuisance for me, I can see he is having a lot of trouble in himself and want to set him free from whatever it is.

Many thanks in advance

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
NationalFlight · 27/05/2009 09:54

Ps I did post before about this, but that was several weeks ago and though I have been following the suggestions, it doesn't seem to have improved.

OP posts:
cloudedyellow · 27/05/2009 14:12

NF, I didn't see your previous post, so this may have been covered, but I thought it was striking that ds2 (much younger possibly?) figures three times when ds1 has been upset: on your lap, in your bed, on an outing with you.
Is it likely that ds1 feels a little usurped and this is making him anxious eg do you love ds2 more? would you disappear with ds2 and leave him behind? do you still love him as much?

I can imagine that ds2 being in your bed now ds1 no longer sleeps there would make him confused and angry. Not that I think he should go back into your bed, but that he may need help with the feelings.

Is his dad around? Could he help with special big boy time?

Life is hard when you're so little isn't it? I would try to accept the clinging and give lots of comfort when he panics. It will change.

NationalFlight · 27/05/2009 15:44

Thankyou Cloudedyellow, that's a really kind answer and also you make a good point about Ds2 always being involved.

I hadn't imagined that it might be down to 'displacement' in that way, perhaps talking to him about it with that approach might reveal something.

I try to be patient as I suffered with SA myself as a child, but although I know my mother's approach wasn't much help, I don't know which one is iyswim.

I'll look it up - thanks again.

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