Is it normal to feel differently about each of your children?

[alittlebluecrock]

This is absolutely not a post about loving one child more than another. I love both of my children to the moon and back, and I couldn't possibly think of loving one more than the other. I also like them both enormously and enjoy their company. To me, they are perfect.

I do, however, worry an awful lot more about dd than I do ds. I worry about her a lot, in fact. There are no big obvious reasons why this should be. She is happy, healthy, bright and lives a very normal life.

I agonise about her though.

I worry she won't make friends. I worry that people don't take to her. I worry that people misunderstand her. I worry that I'm too strict with her. I worry that I'm not strict enough. I worry that I expect too much of her. I worry that my expectations are too low. I worry that I'm not enough of a parent to her, and that I just clumsily fill in the gaps with love and adoration when what she needs is sensitive, precision parenting. I don't even know what that means! I wish I could just switch off and parent by instinct with her, but I worry I get it wrong.

She is three. I have always felt this way about her.

Ds is 12 months old and I just don't worry about him. He's fine. He's universally adored wherever he goes. He is cheerful and fat and cuddly. I am absolutely confident that I meet his needs 100% (and a good 75% of his needs are met simply by dint of having boobs ). The silly thing is that when dd was his age I took her to classes and lessons and groups and all sorts. I do none of that with ds. He gets dragged around to things we're doing with dd sometimes, but he's really fine.

Is it because she is my eldest ad so everything I do with her is uncharted territory, wheras with ds I've done it before?

Is it because she is a girl? I have brothers, not sisters. I have always found men easier to understand and deal with than women. I have a tricky relationship with my mother.

Is it because different childen have different needs? Maybe she is just higher maintenance?

Maybe I will feel the same about ds when he is 3?

Can anyone relate? Or share your thoughts?

I can relate, although it's the other was round for me. DD is four and I don't really worry about her at all. DS is 2.9 and although there is NO reason for it I worry about all sorts of ridiculous things about him. I think it's because he's a lot more babyish than DD ever was. She has always been very self contained, aloof and frighteningly independent. DS has always been much more typically child-like...cuddly, chubby, prone to the wobbly-lip, and I suppose it's made me feel more protective towards him in a way. That sounds awful...but I do adore DD passionately and am so proud and in awe of her fearsome personality

I worry more with DS 8 than DD 6
Its always new territory with Ds as he is the oldest
Friends playdates sleepovers etc etc

I am more relaxed with DD because I have been through most of it before with Ds

Now when they become teenagers that just might change

I feel like this about my girls. Dd1 is six and I worry about her a lot, she's sensitive and over thinks, she gets easily upset by things, she worries, she takes things to heart, she seems to be made of glass. dd2 is 4, she is happy and silly and bouncy and resilient, she seems to be made of steel. I love both of them, but I get awful feeling of fear for dd1 which I just don't have for dd2. So yes I think a lot of it is about their position in the family, I'm also an oldest child and think it's a tough position to be in, you're prone to being a bit neurotic!

yes it is normal, the same way it's normal to feel differently about everyone you meet in life. We have different reactions to different people.

normal

could be partly about her personality, partly about her place as your eldest

you may find it changes later

I used to worry more about dd, now worry more about ds

used to think dd was more sensitive/needed more special attention, now changing my mind

I worry more about my older child too - far more than is actually necessary.

Its normal, each child has their own personality, and I suppose we know how they cope/react to certain situations, so the older they get the more we know whats in store for them the more we worry iyswim

Oh, I am so like this with my 2 - both DSs, so don't think it's necessarily a girl thing, although am sure that could be a factor.

There's something about DS1 (3.3) which just breaks my heart - I fret constantly about him in ways such as you describe. DS2 (1.3) is a lovely, happy bundle, and although I am quite certain that I love him just as much, I don't have the same anxieties - at all. I just have a benign feeling that he will be fine, based on absolutely nothing . It's quite nice, apart from the inevitable guilt about the imbalance. Sigh.

I wonder if you're reflecting your own childhood experiences onto her simply because she is your eldest?

I wonder if you're reflecting your own childhood experiences onto her simply because she is your eldest?

i absolutly know how u feel i ave 3 boys and bcos my second is so quite n loving never crys never looks 4 anyting we tend to shower him with everything my first is vry wild n hyper n bcos of this we cnt take him nice places r do anyting enjoyable with him bcos it always ends up in tears n tantrems i love them all 2 bits n wouldnt change them 4 the world but is der such ting as loving them 2 much and 1 feels pushed aside bcos of all the attention the other 1 gets