4.2 years – selective hearing or not hearing? Forgetting or not listening?

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

I need a bit of perspective because I'm regularly losing it with my DS, then feeling guilty about it, downward spiral. I'm sure being shouted at on a regular basis is no good for his self esteem, and it certainly isn't helping him to "listen" anyway.

Do all 4 y o kids not hear/listen? I can tell him not to do something (don't chase the cat/don't wave that sword [obviously, not real] around/don't throw that ball at anyone's face or body, for example). He doesn't acknowledge what I've said, and sometimes even seconds later, he'll do it. I tell him again not to do it, that I just told him not to and to please try and remember this time, and then he'll do it again. The third time, I just lose it. I'm so FUCKING bored of this game! AGGGGHHHHH!! None of the following work: telling him nicely/firmly in a semi-cross voice/proper telling off/shouting my head off.

Does anyone have any advice at all?

bump

Yes. Walk away.
DD2 is 4.7. Same in my house too. I actually feel like I am talking to the walk most of the time.
Pick up your clothes, please dont write on the walls, found pencil on the ceiling tonight!!

I think that the shouting just makes her shut off. When I am calm it works much better. But to be honest I really get sick and tired of the same shit every single day.
Dont get me started on DD1 who is nearly 10

So no actual help I'm afraid just tea & sympathy. I didn't want you to be shouting at yourself again.

I knew this would be a boy from the thread title!

Don't say don't.

Say 'Put the sword down'.
Apparently when you say 'don't wave the sword' they may not hear the 'don't'

Go right next to him, turn his head towards you and engage eye contact so you know he's heard.

Occasionally, you can also make sure he's heard by having him repeat back what you've said.

They do have selective hearing but it's not deliberate at this age.

Thanks ronshar. tea and sympathy very good just now. Feel like crying at the moment! Walk away is a good idea. Go scream into a pillow and come back and deal with it, perhaps.

thanks othersideofthe channel. Just read your post out to DH who said "that person's got sense!" Will try to remember to avoid "don't". "Don't say don't!"

A really silly trick that works on a bad day is to pretend that you are a childminder and this is someone else's child.

When all else fails, I find that thinking this way helps me to avoid resorting to meltdown.

Whispering can work too.

Also, picking battles. A sword is for waving and not a lot else so can he have it or not?

Would something focused to play with like a playmobil castle help? (we got ours on ebay).
We've had a small knight for a long while ...

You can have tea, sympathy and biscuits here too. My boy is six now, and listens a lot more but some of the days on the way here were very long.

Ach, my swort comments sounds snippy and you don't need that. Sorry - typing with a nine month old attached.

I second the 'don't say don't' point - I learnt to always try and phrase something in a positive way and it really works. Lots of praise when they do what you want is also good - sometimes we forget that in all the hassles!

I also find consequences work well too so it gives them the choice i.e if you wave that sword around x will happen (after the 'put it down' request has been ignored).

The other thing to consider is a hearing test if you think there may be a problem - 4/5 is the main age for children to develop glue ear, and parents can so easily miss it (we did with my dd even tho ds had it at the time!)

RedLentil and Whiskersonkittens, thanks for good advice from both of you. How do you get a tired brain to remember it all???

RedLentil, didn't notice a snippy sound

otherside my dd was/is exactly like this and the techniques you describe are ones i've always used, not always to great effect.

dd is now just turned 6 and this is still a real flare-up point, particularly with her and her dad. she doesn't acknowledge that she's heard you, even when you're right in her face sometimes.

about a year ago she got a marginal result on a hearing test and when i read the posters at the clinic about hearing loss i though - so that explains it! except it didn't - her hearing was actually okay, on the lower side of normal, but that fixed itself within a few months.

it's a kind of obstinacy, a kind of defiance sometimes. at other times it's because she's totally lost in her own world, she genuinely doesn't hear. and other times still she's just singlemindedly fixed on a course of action, and while the sound of your voice might get through she's still convinced that she knows best - she has a plan and come hell or high water she's carrying it out.

i comfort myself with the image of her as scientist/inventor - she won't take anyone else's word for it, she has to see for herself

but all you can do is look at your own reaction to it - taking time out etc. alongside making crystal clear when you're deadly serious (crossing roads etc. in our case)

DS is good at concentrating for his age, and sometims when he focuses on something else he genuinely doesn't hear.

I know if he's playing Lego in his room and he needs to put his shoes on there is no point yelling from downstairs. I have to go up, start a conversation about the lego construction so he's focusing on me and then say what I want him to hear.

How did things go today Kneedeep?

Hey RedLentil,

Yesterday, I tried to be much more patient. Went down to his level and said "try to remember this, it's important" in a calm voice. When he forgot, I just said, again in calm voice "try to remember what I said", avoiding "don't" as much as possible. DH felt he responded very well to it, seemed chirpier and happier. I did too, and seeing a good response made it easier to do it - upward spiral. I noticed him trying to remember more. Maybe I just noticed it more, feeling more patient with him.

Everyone's support really helped me yesterday. Tiredness and work stress push me into the downward trend. I think it's a case of just not wanting to deal with DS sometimes, needing a break. Which mum doesn't feel like that sometimes? thanks for asking RedL, and for support. Feel a bit better now, but bit nervous about not getting into the downward trend again. I noticed another thread about 4 year old boys being really hard work, which also helped me to read.

I'm so glad to hear things have been going better.

I find it's a case of constantly watching out for the downward spiral and restarting the good strategies when they've slipped a bit ...

My boy is six now and a charmer in so many ways but it's the same old things that work when we lose the run of ourselves. His sisters have their own ways of being hard work but they're not as full on.

We spent a while this afternoon throwing paper aeroplanes at each other and it made something great out of an otherwise niggly day.

I think being a young boy for a day would be a very interesting experiment!

Oh my dd was doing this a lot today and it has got more noticable lately.she is 4.5,so maybe it is an age thing? It drives me BARMY.and I have lost my voice so I couldn't even resort to my default setting today,which is SHOUTY.I could only whisper loudly.

Ds is 4 and I just assumed that boys start with the selective hearing thing early so they have it perfected by the time they reach adulthood . Sometimes I am genuinely worried about ds's hearing but it is amazing what he hears when he wants to. He never ever misses me offering chocolate or cake at anything louder than whisper .

Sorry haven't read everyones posts as I'm supposed to be off to bed
but have you got him checked for glue ear
my ds 5.10 has been like this on and off and I happened to pickup a leaflet in the doc's and said not hearing, selective hearing, sometimes mumbling they can hear themselves wonder why you can't hear them

sorry again if someone has already said this