I need help setting the right level of 'strictness' for a 2.5 year old.

[BiscuitStuffer]

I am sure that I am too strict and intolerant on my gorgeous lovely DD and I'm feeling dreadful about it but can't seem to relax off. I think I have lost sight of what a reasonable amount of 'messing about' is ok and where the line really does need to be drawn.

I think it's possibly over-tiredness / needing down time from an intense long morning on my part, though I am doing everything I can to sort that out. I also have a 10 month old who's up at 5 or 5:30am and I am NOT a morning person at the best of times. He is also mobile. I go to bed at 10 and nap for an hour at lunch time. So, I am asleep for my down time and have a rude awakening and back to 100 miles an hour immediately again.

I feel like I'm constantly irritated with her and we have more bad times than good.

So my main thing is:

I ask DD to do/not do something. I will repeat this maybe 2-3 times. She either ignores or grins and refuses. I issue a consequence and follow through immediately. She isn't 'learning though' because 'she's 2' I guess and it happens loads of times per day e.g. come for nappy change / bed time / please don't touch that / please stop pulling on the back of the highchair etc etc. I feel like I'm constantly irritated with her and we have more bad times than good.

Hi,

Pick the things that are dangerous and work on just those.

A missed nappy change will not hurt.

Also ask her if she wants to do things and give her chance to come to you as if she is engrossed she may not want to leave it right there and then and is it terribly important it happens now or in a few minutes.

Could you reduce your nap to 45mins so you have 15mins of quiet time and let the children play in their cots/bed before and after nap time to give you more of a break some days?

I think we all have times/periods where we feel the same as you describe and I know that when I am like it that it is me being tetchy more than DS being naughty, it is horrible to feel like that .

Personally, I know that if I get some exercise I feel less tense and enjoy DC's more. Do you have anything like that, or any way of getting an hour or so to yourself (not sleeping, away from the children) every couple of days where you can do something that lets you just be you? I find it makes a huge difference, allows me to step back and get a bit of perspective on what bad beahviour really needs a reaction.

Thank you so much for your replies. Do you know - I think it's me not knowing if it's ok for me 'to allow' her to 'disobey' me (said in general terms). There are always going to be times when it isn't ok and times when it is - but she is too young to be able to know. I don't want her grinning at me as she runs on the the road because she knows I don't mean everything i say type thing....

oh dear. I know the problem is me by the way.

and I think I set up situations without meaning to by needing ro rush home / get dressed quickly and I KNOW that's a recipe for disaster and I should leave more time.

one more sorry - i think of somewhere we can go in the morning and then again in the afternoon. So in order to get back for preparing lunch / dinner, I need to set off home in time and hence get there in time to ensure we actually have some time there. I spend my whole day chasing my tail on this. They go mad if stuck in the house too. Things we do are park / local library / shops / farm etc

I have a 2.6yo and a 5mo. There's no way I would contemplate going out morning and afternoon every day - too much like hard work!

I go out most mornings, but stay in most afternoons. We do crafty things/painting/hide and seek/jigsaws etc.

I have almost the opposite problem to you. I never tell her what to do and worry that when the time comes that I need to, she'll laugh in my face!

This sounds v familiar to me (2.4ds and 7wk dd) I catch myself just saying no no no to him and then get sad and frustrated with myself about it. I agree that tiredness plays a big part too.

But I do try to remember to pick my battles and the other day I did a brilliant distraction when he was in the middle of a tantrum by getting him to help me put the bin out - he was proud to do it and I felt like a good mummy in control instead of a scolding mummy. And as you say, the tellings off often don't work at this age anyway.

Re the rushing back for lunch, now that the weather's getting better could you take a packed lunch and stay out? Do they sleep in the pram/car.

Oh and also if I find myself getting too scoldy I focus on doing something deliberately childish (in a good way) and silly with ds - like tickling him or blowing on his tummy or playing boo behind the sofa as it brings the joy back very quickly and grounds us again.

I would ask less and do more. E.g. if she refuses to come for a nappy change, just pick her up (with a joke and a laugh) and change her nappy anyway. If she is playing with something she shouldn't, remove the object or if too large/fixed, remove her.

This way you won't have to waste time getting cross at her disobedience. You just make sure whatever needs to be done gets done and you will feel better already.

Read this thread

We find giving notice very helpful with our 2.3 year old. In ten minutes we're going out, in 5 mins we're going out, in 2 mins we're going out so let's tidy up your toys, followed by lots of praise- we'll done, you've tidied all your toys and you're ready to do. Would you like to take a toy with you/ have some juice (normally water) in your cup? etc. We also limit rules but are very strict on the ones we have, so now DS doesn't need to worry about what he can/can't do, he knows. Tantrums are considerably shorter and we've also taught tricks to calm down after one so he can self calm- deep breathing, counting to 10, etc.

It's very hard because older child is getting negative attention, I've done the same with DS1. It was recommended to me to spend 10 minutes a day (it's not a lot, really) with no music-telly on, when youngest is in bed, and play explusively with the oldest giving him/her 100% attention. Following his lead on play/toys and commenting on how good he is at playing. It has improved our 'bond' after DS2 arrived, and has helped him become more independent and happier with younger brother. Expectations are very on a 2 year old to do exactly what you ask them to do all the time.

I remember this well. I agree with Matnan, choose your battles and let the rest go. You are being hard on yourself and your toddler and you will not enjoy her if you feel you must have instant obediance. Just my opinion but I think 2 is a little young for too much discipline, wait until she is 3 or 4.

Tiredness makes it all much harder. When I had two under 3s I used to crawl to bed around 8.30pm. OK not great for couple time but it doesn't last forever and the extra sleep makes such a difference.

Thank you so much for all of your replies and the links. I have all the articles up on my browser and am rereading them all. It has helped alot plus devouring the UP thread.

Thank you VERY much

hi bisquitstuffer, hmm horrible horrible 2's!! the thing to do is have think before you actually say No.dont etc, sometimes we say no just out of habit. also at about 2 1/2 you can start to reason, if you do something they like e.g. "feed ducks" assure them after the 1st reasonable "do not.." that if they "do" again no promised treat or just no treat, but you must stick to it no matter how much screaming ensues.. also totally IGNORE any show of temper, screaming NO MATTER WHAT except harming etc... eventually they run out of steam. My 5yr old grandson had the most fearsome temper tantrums when he was 2 -3 but realized after a while that he was being ignored no matter what he did. Eventually he did give up. I dont believe in shutting them in their bedroom as it is the safe place you want them to relax and go to sleep, NOT be frightened of. Just let them rampage around Sometimes it is quite funny!!!!!

Packed lunch in the fridge at home so quick to get out and on the table, also slow cook pot or low (150º-160º) oven dishes so again ready to serve when you get home, if you have a programmable oven you can set it to end cooking 20 mins before you want to eat so your dd doesn't have to wait to long.

If you can do a meal plan so you know what your doing.

I used to do a structured activity in the morning - swimming, music, soft play, tumble tots and then home play, park, library storytime, ducks, walk, bits and bobs shopping in the afternoon so could be rearranged, exchanged depending on weather and energy levels.

You mention being worried that your dd will not listen when you need her too, she will listen if you don't say things to her that you don't follow thru on if she doesn't respond to it, ie ; saying "don't push the highchair around the room" if it really isn't dangerous and tho maybe annoying isn't life or limb, but when you do want her to do something then it is your words - make them simple and your tone - a no nonsense one and you will see a difference in her listening to you.