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Original poster

Is a 2 - 2 1/2 yr age gap really that bad?

63 replies

jumblies · 20/05/2009 10:47

Am feeling really depressed today. I am currently pregnant with my second baby and everyone who I've told has replied with a negative response to the age gap that my children will have between them.

My DD will be 2 yrs 3 months old when the new baby arrives. She is fairly clingy and we did not plan this pregnancy as I was going to try for a 3 plus age gap so that she would be more mature to deal with it.

I am really scared about how she will deal with it all, and more to the point how I will!!

Are there any positives to having an age gap like this?

OP posts:

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Fennel · 20/05/2009 12:52

I'd say it was a fairly ideal gap. Mine are 9, 7, 5 (though not quite with your gap, one smaller gap and one bigger) and I love the way they are all playmates, they like all the same activities, they are constant company for each other (albeit with some squabbling).

As people say, there are pros and cons to all age gaps. I wouldn't have wanted large gaps myself, but I like mess and chaos and would rather have children closer in age.

shavenhaven · 20/05/2009 12:53

no it is brilliant. i have 2years 2 months between my two.

i was going to have 16 months (fell pregnant when dc1 was 9 months) and sadly had a mc.

it took me a few months to get my head around it and start trying again and i quickly fell pregnant with dc2.

i think this age gap is perfect, it was tiring for the first few months as dc1 was a terrible sleeper and dh works away a lot but if i could go back in time i would not have it any other way.

can i just ask what you plan on doing for getting out and about? i could not wear a sling as my chest is far to big for it to be comfy so we got by with a single and buggy board.

i do remember saying to friends though that i wished i had a double even if just for a few months.

Lizzylou · 20/05/2009 12:57

Almost exactly 2 years between my two boys, they are now 5 and 3 and the best of friends.
I was worried as well, DS1 was such an adored PFB, but it has been wonderful and their closeness is lovely to see.
They now gang up on me, which isn't so great...
I had all the comments as well, especially when I actually had DS2, so many people said 2 boys 2 years apart would be a nightmare.
But it really isn't, noisy yes

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MarlaSinger · 20/05/2009 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePellyandMe · 20/05/2009 13:06

I have 21 months between ds's and it's great.

It was hard for the first year but I think it always would have been hard whatever age DS1 was as DS2 was hard work.

Now they are 4 and 6, the best of friends, they enjoy the same things and they play together constantly.

Try not to worry,it will be fine

serenity · 20/05/2009 13:13

I'll admit that I cried buckets when I fell pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was only 18 months, but there was a huge difference between him at that age (very clingy and demanding) and how he was at 2y 4m when DS2 was actually born. I think I worried so much that I wouldn't cope, that the reality was surprisingly easy.

I don't know if it would have been the same if they'd been different sexes, but I love the gap now - they're so close, still squabble on occasion mind, but they get on really well generally.

meemar · 20/05/2009 13:19

congratulations on your pg

Sorry your friends have not been more supportive. A 2 year age gap is really common and although there can be difficulties, you can say the same for any age gap. It's really not that bad.

My 2 boys are now 5 and 3 and it is a really lovely age gap as they get older and play together.

Ceebee74 · 20/05/2009 13:27

I have a 2.4 yr age gap between my 2 boys - I always remember my mum telling me about an article she had read somewhere that said this was the most common age gap between children but actually the hardest one to deal with - in my case, I think she was right!

Ds2 is 6 months old now and it is easier (slightly!) but it was so difficult in the beginning that me and DH wondered what the hell we had done - but I think this was far more to do with DS1's personality rather than the age gap. He is a very boisterous, loud, demanding (but totally gorgeous and extrememly happy!) boy - when DS2 arrived, DS1 turned into a whinging, tantrumming, aggressive terror for a few weeks and it was a nightmare. We had to put DS2 in a travel cot in the lounge as DS1 would try and tip him out of his moses basket or constantly poke him in the face or bite his fingers (you get the picture). He is still over-boisterous with DS2 now but DS2 seems to actually enjoy being dragged across the floor

I can honestly say I only coped with the early days as DS1 was/is in nursery 4 days a week - trust me we all needed the break!!

But I am hoping that in another 6 months or so when DS2 is up and about, they will play nicely together as other posters have said - I am taking comfort in the comments about the first year being the hardest.

Despite this being long, I think what I am trying to say is that it will probably depend on your own DS and what his personality is like - not the age gap iyswim.

StealthPolarBear · 20/05/2009 13:29

Ds will be 2y4m when #2 arrives so reading this is very reassuring!
I assumed around 2 years was considered to be the 'perfect' age gap!

ErnestTheBavarian · 20/05/2009 13:32

I would have thought a 2 year gap was very common to be almost standard ?! Sorry you've been upset, people are so bloody thoughtless. I got so many stupid comments over the years & pg. I've got a gap of 17 months, 2y10m & 4y6m & I much prefer the small gap. v. v. close friends.

cat64 · 20/05/2009 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Grammaticus · 20/05/2009 13:53

24 months here. The first 18 months is hard, after that it's brilliant.

chosenone · 20/05/2009 13:59

People love to hark on about negatives don't they!

I have 22 months between mine and it was easier than I thought! I was expecting it to be awful though and it wasn't. Be prepared lots of interactive stuff for your DD to do when babies feeding but when it sleeps you get time with DD..I must admit my DS is very active so we went to soft play at least once a week and still go a lot it was great! I found a double buggy a pain but only used it for 6 months any how. I had a bedside cot with my second and it was a saviour as I slept and fed. We've always been strict with DS who isn't allowed in our room before 7am so he's happy to read and play, a good routine with the older one will help the 2nd slot in. Plus even if its hard in the short term it will be well worth it in the long term as they'll play together beautifully and be very close and that's worth a few frenzied/tiring days in the 1st 6 months, enjoy x

Egg · 20/05/2009 14:01

DS1 was 22 months when DTs were born. I think the age gap is fab and would be perfect if I hadn't had twins!

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 20/05/2009 14:06

DS1 was 2 years 6 months when DS2 was born and it was a fantastic age gap for us. DS1 was potty trained, he had started going to playgroup a couple of mornings a week, he had stopped using the buggy and was happy to use the buggy board, his language was clear enough for us to be able to talk to him about his brother.

if we were planning another baby we would choose the same age gap. Enjoy!!!!!!!

Gateau · 20/05/2009 14:09

I'm glad you posted greyskull. That's the age gap we'll have - very reassuring!
Thank you.
But must gear up the potty training

Soph73 · 20/05/2009 14:10

Although there is a 5 1/2 yr age gap between my two I know a few couples who have this age gap between their children to no adverse effect. Don't listen to stupid people who spout this form of nonsense. You and your daughter will deal with the new arrival just fine. At least she'll be old enough to help you out with little jobs so she'll feel more involved from the beginning.

DontlookatmeImshy · 20/05/2009 19:47

We have 2.5yr gap between ds1 and ds2 and imo it is a great age gap. It was hard in the first few weeks but only in the same way that it was hard when the first one comes along in that you have to adjust to a change in the family iyswim.

Now ds2 is 15 months they get on fantastically, and ds1 is desperate for ds2 to move into his bedroom with him (ds2 still with us atm).

Ds1 loved 'helping' me with ds2 when he was born and was/is very protective of him. Even this morning when other children were trying to get to ds2 he was fending them off "No! he's not YOUR baby".

I love this age gap.

sagacious · 20/05/2009 19:51

23 months between my two and they're best friends (even now when ds is 7 and trying to be cool in front of his mates he still gives his little sister a sly hug)

flowerybeanbag · 20/05/2009 19:52

Don't listen to people! I am also pg with no2, and DS will be 2 1/2 when DC2 arrives. Everyone I tell says 'oh that's a lovely gap' to me!

RustyBear · 20/05/2009 20:03

I have 2 years & 6 weeks between my two, who are now 21 & 19 - they have had periods when they got on well & periods when they argued non stop, but I don't know that it was due to the age gap.
In practical terms I think the gap was fairly easy - I had them both in nappies for about 8-9 months I think, but I actually found it was easier to decide to put off potty training DS when he didn't seem interested because I was doing nappies for DD anyway & it didn't seem like more work to do them for both.
We had a double buggy for about 4 months, then the wheels broke & I got my money back & never bothered to get another one - DS was 2.5 & quite happy to walk everywhere - in fact he's still like that & as a teenager asked for lifts much less often than DD!

GreatGooglyMoogly · 20/05/2009 20:17

There is 21 months between DS1 and DS2 and I think it is perfect. DS1 quickly forgot that he had ever not had a brother. He was still having afternoon naps so I could have a rest/ nap when both of them were sleeping. DS1 and I only had two groups that we regularly went to pre-DS2 and it didn't really matter if we missed them if we were too tired (once we had DS2). DS1 would give toys to DS2 until he could move around himself and once that happened they started playing together and I was surplus to requirements! They are absolutely best friends

Original poster

jumblies · 20/05/2009 20:21

wow, so many responses...I think the answer to my question is no, it can't be that bad then

Am feeling much more positive about being pregnant, of course DH has just handed me a bowl of icecream so that could have something to do with it.

Thankyou for evening out the negative feedback. I feel much calmer

OP posts:

Cathpot · 20/05/2009 20:28

I think its a lovely age gap.We have 2.4 between ours and now DD1 cant remember being an only. They are really starting to play now, its all good. DD1 started sleeping through the night DD2 was born, it was very odd!

I think you are right to say that how smoothly it goes depends on the personality of the child . I think if your first is quite demanding it might actually be better now than later when she is even more settled into being the only child. I have a friend with a 4 year old much like my eldest in personality (ie...spirited) and she seems to be having more trouble adjusting to her new sibling than DD1 did.

I also think that the fact you are thinking about it and will plan for your DD1 not to feel pushed out will be a huge bonus. I am 3 years older than my sister and took her arrival very very badly. Mum now says 'hmm not sure we handled it well- I think shouting at you when you tried to get in the photo on the baby's first day back from hospital was probably a mistake'.

ilovesprouts · 20/05/2009 20:33

my 3 kids are 19,16 and two years old

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