My 7 year old son has caused damages for thousands of pounds through his violent outburst.... Please help.

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I despair, I really do.

He keeps getting into trouble by other children winding him up. By now, they must look upon it like a sport. All it takes is a little nudge, or somebody throwing a pebble at him, and it sets off a violent temper tantrum, which includes kicking and punching other children. Today he threw rocks. Incidentally one of them hit the bonnet of a parked car. The damage is big, the entire bonnet needs taking off, straightening, and and the car repainted. The sums exceeds the schools liability insurance.

I dont know what to do.

On saturday, he broke his friends bow and arrow and he thrashed his own bicyle helmet.

We had parents evening yesterday. Academically he is brilliant. He is still a year ahead in maths. And in literacy, reading, comprehension, spelling and writing, he had 3 spelling mistakes out of hundreds of exercisises which was part of a test.

But he has such a temper, and he cant control it. The school is trying to teach him strategies for dealing with his temper, such as straight away going to tell a grown up if he feels angry, tell a grown up if somebody is unfair to him, etc. Yesterday he punched a child in the stomach during lunch, because the child had accidentally bumpted into him.

I dont know what to do.
This has only started happening since Christmas. He used to be the most sensitive and placid child.

Could it be something as simple as he's a bit of a target at the moment as other kids find it amusing that he explodes and they tease him relentlessly?

Possibly started out as him just having a bad day, but for whatever reason, he was being picked on (language perhaps, or accent?) and now the other kids think it's all a bit of a game?

Well you've said what causes it - other children winding him up.

So go for that. Assume that he doesn't understand or like the 'teasing', is volatile and doesn't deal with these kinds of social situations at all well. Perhaps he feels every bump in the road, nothing is like water off a ducks back - it all sticks.

He might be being violent because he's cross, because he feels got at, to show off, to attract attention, to make them afraid of him, because he feels unsafe - not because he is, but because he feels it.

When he punched the child at lunch time - was it done out of fear? That sounds like a very knee jerk, volatile, lashing out reaction - without thought, but with purpose.

I'd go for talking about the social things. It seems v. consistent behaviour for a bright, sensitive boy tbh. He might be feeling a bit sink or swim. or in his case, fight or flight.

Sounds like his diet generally is pretty good. Did he eat a lot of fish before? Although fish isn't one of those things you would normally associate with this type of problem.

Does he have problems at school (I was thinking more with making friends rather than academically IYSWIM)which he may not be sharing with you? Maybe he doesn't want to worry you with his problems etc.

I am going to do a big list of things, many of which will be irrelevant but maybe one of them might make you think!

things that might cause it:
Stress:

Upset homelife (big changes; like your house move)
arguing at home
abuse

food; though sounds unlikely...but could be something he is intolerant too (Milk/wheat etc)

too much tv
TV that is too fast moving (images per second)
Violent TV

being hungry/tired

getting in the habit of it and inconsitant response from you andn your DH and school

he sounds very bright...maybe he is bored?

bullying

feeling an outsider and not knowing how to express it.

poor all of you it sounds very stressful.

He has been taking fish oil capsules since he was 4. (7 now)
We dont have a tv. They do watch videos (on a projector on the wall)

He is playing football and doing Tae Kwon do, he is cycling a lot, and he loves being outdoors, on his scooter, running around with friends, climbing trees, playing hide and seek (our house is backing on to the woods). He eats well, but I think he could eat more. He loves reading, and drawing, and building with lego, he is doing science projects with his dad.

He just recently gave up playing the violin, his teacher was a bit upset as she said he was very talented and played really well.

I cant think of anything else.

ahundredtimes and IlovemydogandMrObama, thank you for voicing that. I think you have it spot on.

I have just written a lenghty email to the headteacher about the consistent bullying that my son has been experiencing from the other children involved in this incident, complaining about the lack of attention from the grown ups who should after all be supervising the children at breaktime, and questioning how in the name of God they could call a "meeting" taking witness statements from all the children involved, and believe their story and totally disregard my sons version? My son was in the end (according to the teacher) just saying "everybody is against me" repeatedly.

I am by now actually really getting pissed off with the school.
I explained about how the other children will do something, and my son will defend himself, and they run to the teachers and tell on him, so he gets into trouble, and how the teachers (some) are recognizing this and trying to explain he MUST tell on them first, rather than explode and get in to trouble himself.

I think the school is failing to see the relationships between the children, the bullying that is going on, how children react to this, and how they are failing to supervise at breaktime, and how children they KNOW have problems with eachother should be more closely monitored.

It is not a case where my son has set out to deliberately damage a car. It is a case where my son was targeted by a group of 4 children. He escaped up into a tree, one boy tried to shake the tree (thin smallish tree) to make my son fall down. Then he was throwing stones on my son. They gave up and left him, my son climbed down and went to try and hide, one of them saw him and shouted "ATTACK" and three children went for him. At this point, he started throwing stones towards them. A car was hit.

I said pretty much all of the above.

I wonder if it a social problem? If he is working a year above his own it sets him apart from his peers and he may be too immature socially for those that he is working with. A change of country must also make him different, even if he is happy with the move.
It sounds as if he is an only DC with lots of adult attention-do you think that he is better with adults and finds them easier to relate to than children?
I agree with the winding up.My DS1 was an only DC for a long time and he had a point at which he 'boiled over' - his was mainly frustration with himself when things went wrong, he was a perfectionist. It was a wonderful show for the rest of the class and I think that sometimes they deliberately set him off.

what does he say?

I'm sure he's given it a lot of thought. does he have any suggestions?

It sounds like he could be being overwhelmed with something like anxiety that's meaning he's always close to breaking point instead of having a bit of breathing room.

This book is good (as is the textbook that goes with it):

www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/006077939X/

it's got some good stuff on identifying triggers and so on and also on collaborative problem solving to help deal with issues without explosions (and also to deal with some of the issues causing explosions).

QS. He is bright, they are bullying him, he is reacting.

My husband is Danish although we do not live there. But I believe it is called the 'tall poppy syndrome'?

From your description of the incident, I believe that the children are trying to 'cut him down' and he responds as any child of his age would.

He is reacting wildly, but he did not mean to do so much expensive damage. You need to talk to the school about the bullying aspect (and I know how difficult that might be in Scandinavia).

QS -- I was a super bright kid, although when in grade school, had to wear glasses. The class bully picked on me for ages, and suddenly something snapped. I beat him up on the school playground. He didn't tell anyone as it would have been embarrassing as he had a reputation to preserve!

I didn't do it again, but can understand what led your son to do it. Smart/sensitive doesn't mean push over

Yes, the school needs to do more, but maybe try and find out how what he can do himself?

DD (who is almost 3) is quite shy and has been given a buddy for baby ballet. Perhaps something along the same lines could work? He could be given a buddy to help him/keep an eye on him during play time? And if he had a problem, he could go to this buddy?

UPDATE! (and thank you all for posting!)

After my email to the headtecher yesterday, I have received a reply from the teacher who phoned me (as she has obviously been forwarded my mail) where she says that she would like to call us in for a meeting next week with his teacher to discuss how the school can make ds's time in school better for him, and she will answer the questions I posed in my mail then. We will not be held financially responsible for the damage to the car. When I told him this is he was very releaved, and been very happy and huggy the rest of the evening.

This morning before school, I made him laugh when I made him a "mantra" I told him to repeat inside himself if the kids started winding him up "I want THEM to be in trouble, not me, so I'm gonna tell a grown up" (Possibly not pedagogically sound...., but needs must)

Today the same bullies tried to force him up into the tree, and he ran to a teacher and told on them, and THEY got into trouble. So I congratulated him on handling it so well.

It is a good start, at least.

Well done your ds - I feel for him. If he is being bullied then he needs all the support he can get.

Your poor, poor son! I was reading the op thinking gosh he sounds a bit quick to react, and as you said quite violent with it. But then reading on about the bullying - well that's horrific. They chased him up a tree for god's sake?! The root cause of this is not your son - it is the bullies who are targetting him. Yes, he needs to develop his strategies in dealing with them but this needs to be dealt with squarely by the school - they must be reminded of their responsibilities to him - his care and wellbeing. It sounds like there's been a lot of progress in the past few days and I hope it continues. Surely the Scandanavian system can't be so different to ours that it's okay and acceptable for children to attack others? - and that's exactly what this is to my eyes.

QS, I had forgotten that you had moved to Norway!

Your fuller description of what happened before the car was damaged throws a very different light on things - it sounds that whilst your ds does need to learn not to react angrily to the other children, the main cause of the problems is the other children picking on him, not him. Hope the school will take this seriously and sort it out.

How is his Norwegian now - could that be part of the problem if he is still not fluent?

QS , your first post describes my son's situation perfectly, he completely blows up and has tantrums because he is getting constant low-level bullying.

He's 9, and he's always in trouble. but the kids that tease him about his webbed toes, and the fact that his mum's a cripple/spaz don't seem to get any consequences at all.

just like your ds, mine is VERY bright academically, yet school describe him as socially immature.

I'm at my wits end, as school insist this is a problem with ds (and I agree he has to learn to manage his temper), whereas I think the school should be dealing with this constant drip-drip of bullying.