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Original poster

Please can you help. I really cant cope anymore :(

52 replies

inneedofhelpplease · 19/05/2009 16:17

I have changed my name because of the subject, but please can someone help.
I am at the end of my tether and just cant cope anymore. Ds1 has adhd and can be extremely violent. He has most recently tried to stab me, alsmost broke my wrist, is constantly punching/kicking me and on saturday he tried to strangle me and yet again today he has repeatedly punched me over the head. (sorry that was a big ramble) We have doctors who give him medication and we are involved with a local volunteer group who are offering us yet another parenting progam but i've just had enough. He's 8 now and getting much stronger. My younger 2 are frightened of him and all i keep thinking is how much easier it would be if he lived elsewhere (that sounds awful i know) I'm half tempted to get in touch with social servises but am afraid of what this would entail. We're not involved with these as they seem to think we're doing fine no matter how much i tell them i cant cope I just dont know what to do. I feel like i've been hit too many times
Please help. Just a chat would be great thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
inneedofhelpplease · 19/05/2009 17:21

i've heard a few people mention this before. It looks like ss really are our next port of call. Its not just me sufering but as a whole family we are. I'm not about to give up hope with him. I want him to be happy and not frustrated. I think i'm afraid of 2 things though. One is that ss will thnk i just cant cope full stop! or that ds will think i dont love him/ want him to be with us.

OP posts:
Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:23

at the lack of help you are getting - especially after your review. My ds is 8 too and has ASD, he can have violent meltdowns which I worry about as he gets bigger. I have two younger ones who witness it too and I do worry for them when it happens. My sons school have just referred us to the community nurse - who apparently has access to other proffesionals - don't know if that's something you've tried? Do you have a Carers Centre nearby? I was planning to join our local carers group and there is also 'young carers' for siblings (think it's about 5+ though). Sorry probably all things you've covered but hope you can get some help.

Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:26

I don't think ss will think you can't cope full stop and you are seeking help BECAUSE you love your ds and want him with you. Besides - depending on what help they can offer he may not need to know

magso · 19/05/2009 17:27

Sorry crossposted.
Living with ADHD in an NT unsympathetic world is very hard - tiring and always in trouble or upsetting your friends. Are there any specific things adding to his frustration that could be defused another way? ( trampoline, running track, punchbag)Is there a particular time of day or week or is it medication related ( ie when it wears off) or hunger/thirst etc. ( Ds seems sensitive to sudden hunger so I always top him up after school to reduce the flareups)
Camhs thought we were coping too so turned us down for assessment and support - until I burst into exhausted tears one day!

Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:28

2nd the trampoline - best thing we ever bought!

Original poster
inneedofhelpplease · 19/05/2009 17:35

Sleep seems to be the key for his triggers. when he has an extremely bad night of sleep (or lack of) its when he's at his worst. He's good after a run around/exercise to burn off some excess energy but he then cant calm down. we manage to get him to relax after hot bath/drink etc although this doesnt always work and is not always possible

OP posts:
Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:40

Have you tried anything to help him sleep (melatonin? Sorry don't know much about it.)

Davros · 19/05/2009 17:41

You definitely need a referral to Soc Svs and there's no reason why any professional wouldn't support that, ask the grandparents fgs. You can request a referral yourself but, if you do, be sure to keep a note of date and time you rang or try to get an email address. In our Local Authority you can make up their email addresses from a formula once you have a name or they could be a link on the LA website. Once you get to speak to or see someone, use your posts as the basis for your case. Wishing you lots of luck, you all deserve some help.

Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:42

Ds' teacher told us that sleep issues were one of the things the community nurse could get us help with. Guess it might depend on your area though.

Original poster
inneedofhelpplease · 19/05/2009 17:44

I've asked for something to help him sleep. The only thing we've been given is 5mg equasym (which is amphetamin based) on top of his 50mg straterra he has each day. It doesnt do anything at all he seems no different now to what he did before the medication!! I've tried herbal remedys but they have no effect whatsoever

OP posts:
Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:50

I think if I were you I'd go the Soc Svs route. Make sure you tell them everything route you've gone down.

Seuss · 19/05/2009 17:50

Sorry - I'm hungry, have stopped being coherent!

RnB · 19/05/2009 18:02

You poor thing

You need to push for as much help as you can.

have you noticed any dietary triggers, eg E numbers? Melatonin can definitely help with sleep. I give my son (asd) liquid melatonin sometimes at night - it's natural and really works (he takes himself to bed )

Do you get DLA? You shoud be entitled to the highest rate - with the money you could get some extra help. Also definitely request a direct payments referral and tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them you can't cope and you are considering a residential option for your son. Tell them you and your other children are suffering.

Also ask SS for holiday respite. They gave me 10 days in an inclusive holiday club for the summer (costs £55/day).

But most importantly for you all, ask for help with preventing/controlling these outbursts.

I know how you feel, I've been there (although not as bad you poor thing). I wish you the best of luck x

Original poster
inneedofhelpplease · 19/05/2009 20:10

Once again thankyou all so much for you replys. At the begining of this thread i was almost in tears, now i'm feeling sllghtly more positive. After reading all your posts and looking at the links and checking out other sites, i've decided that when DH comes home from work i will chat with him about phoning ss. I think nows the time. I'm in desperate need of help and i think when DH is off on thurs we'll do it together. If i leave this any longer then our family will suffer and it's not fair on DS and on our other DC's too.
I really am greatful to you all for your support tonight. Thankyou so much

OP posts:
TheProfiteroleThief · 19/05/2009 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magso · 19/05/2009 20:19

Im not a medic just a mum, but as understand it equasym ( mythylphenidate)is unlikely to help with getting to sleep - more likely to do the opposite ( although 5mg is a very low dose) I imagine it has been given for the afterschool 'witching hours' slump!
Ds has trouble sleeping at this time of year due to the very light evenings - I think it confuses his body clock. We have tried allsorts - like blackout blind and curtains. Others have tried melatonin but I think must be prescribed.
Sending a quick hug!

saggyjuju · 19/05/2009 20:48

been here done it! thats the hardest part admitting it,we were hit,spat at ,threatened,stolen from,exposed to him sexually aroused constantly,we attended every support group,always attended his mental health appointments,he was medicated on concerta for the daytime and melatonin for night,suppsedly supported at school and the last time he was aggressive and threatening to me was when i took him and his siblings out to spend their easter money,he squared up to me whilst i was pushing my 11wk old baby in town this is after hed already pushed his younger sibling around in a packed bank,the frightening part is an ederly couple came to my aid one in a wheelchair pushed by the other,luckily he just ran rather than confront. i rang social services that day and said no more,i cannot cope,with a large and strong 15 year old,he must be taken from the family home,that was when my whole family disowned me and my other children,but i tell you what i am so much happier,he is in the best place he can be and i am not watching to make sure he hasnt snuck around a corner and has his 2yr old sister laying on him like he always did!

Davros · 20/05/2009 08:28

I also question the type of medication, not the fact of it iyswim. Has anyone mentioned Risperidone to you? DS takes it and we held out for a long time but felt life for all of us was getting beyond miserable so decided to give it a go. It is a godsend as it definitely makes DS calmer and any outburst shorter BUT it doesn't completely eliminate it and he isn't a vegetable on it iyswim. Also agree with RnB that melatonin is great. Although it only helps get someone to sleep and (in theory) doesn't make them sleep longer, I feel that DS sleeps much better with it. We also give it before he gets hyper to short circuit any over stimulation and get him sleepy and relaxed. It is a hormone, not med, but you have to get it by prescription here, lots of us do. You can buy it over the counter in USA or on internet but I found that we get the appropriate format (liquid) by getting it on prescription.

Gateau · 20/05/2009 09:12

"My head hurts though"

That brought tears to my eyes; I really feel for you and hope you get all the support you need.

bunnyrabbit · 20/05/2009 13:42

Me too. inneedofhelpplease you are doing the best thing for your family. All of you. Including DC1.

Here have some and a hell of a lot of for coping so far.

BR

frustratedmom · 20/05/2009 15:22

In line with the E number thing ds is boarderline asd and very agressively hyperactive. Some of his main triggers are sodium benzoate, and Fructose. He is so reactive to the fructose he can't even eat grapes, raisins, strawberries or oranges. Last year even made jam so knew fructose free. A lot of effort but his behaviour is so much better when we do and just plan dangerous when we don't.

Hoping you get the help you want soon.
hang in there.

bunnyrabbit · 20/05/2009 16:09

Can I ask what you made the jam out of? Just being nosey...

frustratedmom · 20/05/2009 16:41

Normal cane sugar and plums.
Normal cane sugar and raspberries
Normal cane sugar, rhubarb, almonds, and lemon juice.
And I caved to a request for strawberry jam (sugar and strawberries) but this is saved for occassions when running about is possible afterwards!

And yes that was the total sum of ingrediants! (might have left a little lemon juice out of the recipy but that is the only thing that might be extra - and that is for setting.

Can't use jam sugar as I believe it is fruit sugar based -ie fructose.

meltedmarsbars · 20/05/2009 21:24

Inneedofhelp - have you considered joining your local mencap organisation (or other support group) for the siblings aspect - they often organise trips and special days for siblings, which might help them a bit, and give them the chance to meet other kids like themselves.

I completely agree about getting directly in touch with Social Services. Ring them up please, while you are in crisis, and be very clear and persistent about how you cannot cope and what this is doing to your other kids. You may need to push hard to get onto the Disabled Childrens Team of s/workers, but they will have the access to respite.

Social Services will also give you access to Direct Payements - either to have someone come in to look after your son or to take him out somewhere to give you a break.

Social Services currently have 379 million extra money to provide short breaks and respite for disabled children, through the "Every Child Matters" system. It sounds like you could do with some of this.

Good luck - please don't struggle on without help.

magso · 21/05/2009 15:13

I was told by CAMHS to ring SS - I had thought they could/would refer for respite!