Surely im not the only one with Contradictory Parenting Syndrome? Is it 'normal' isnt it? Please share your tales here.

[PlainAndAble]

So, firstly im a regular that has namechanged, far too embarrassed to post under my usual name right now.

There was a thread recently where the poster said that her friends are no longer friendly because her child will be goiong to a different school? (I think that was the gist of it; didnt read it all). At the time I thought "bizarre" and thought little more of it.

BUT, last week, my daughter's friend was moved up a swimming class, my DD stayed in the lower class. I know I should have been delighted for her mum, who was not modest in showing her pride. No, im SURE I WAS pleased, deep down. BUT after the lesson, I whisked DD dressed so fast and barely nmade eye contact with the mum. I felt a little embarrassed that MY DD hadnt made the grade. Why did I feel like that?

THEN to top it off. THIS week my DD was moved up too, except the other mum wasnt there this week. SO, I casually left the building past the cafe area, and the machine area, JUST IN CASE she was there and i'd missed her, and so I could drop my DD's improvement into the conversation! WHY?

Ive never been one for tutoring, especially primary-age children, but when I collected DD from a playdate, the Mum ushered her own DD to get her Kumon things ready. Like an alert signal my brain went "Kumon, Kumon, Kumon!" I found out she'd been doing it for months, as have at least 6 other children in the class. SOOOO, guess who was straight home, onto the internet seeking out the nearest Kumon centre? WHY?

I could go on, and on and on, but i am at work on my lunch break and hope that I will not reurn this evening to flame-throwing and insults and other stuff (that I probably deserve) and hope that other posters stories will make me feel a LITTLE less irrational.

Because you feel guilty that you may not have been doing the absolute best (as seen through other people's eyes) for your DD.

Far more important, IMHO, is she happy? Developing normally (within the vast spectrum that is normal)? Has friends? Appears to have good self-esteem & developing physical & mental independence?

Your post comes over as if you lack self-confidence in yourself as a parent. You'll be doing the best you can, for YOUR child, right now (part of that may well be going to work, for example). Other people MAY be doing the same for theirs. Their actions will not be the same as yours. When you learn about the differences in approach, take it on board as interesting information & nothing more!

Then plan what you want to offer your child and don't react to what other people are doing for theirs.

Of course, re-reading my post, I thought I should point out that you are entirely free to ignore this advice too!!

Good luck.

I completly understand what you are saying and I think it just stems from us all obviously wanting the best for our children. Competition, hierachy, being better than other people are all over emphasised in our society rather than the things that deep down really matter (being kind, understanding, polite etc).

What I find though is that its a very two way thing. Amongst most of my friends I dont really seem to care too much (more than a fleeting thought anyway) about how comparitively their children are doing. For example my friend has a baby a few weeks older than DD and I rarely, if ever compare and feel down - even though he is doing things she cant. However with other friends - particularly the ones as you put it who are not modest in showing pride and often train their children to do things (18 month old 'writing' his name for example) I find I start wildly comparing and worrying and feeling bitter towards them even though I wouldnt have given it a second thought usually! I also end up bargaining with myself thinking 'well x is good at this but my DS is good at that'. Strange isnt it.

I think you sound entirely normal.

In fact as a long term lurker on Mumsnet I think most people would agree with you.

Most of the rows on here are over just that sort of insecurity. i.e doing 'enough' or alternatively seeking reassurance that all the extra effort/expense is worth it.

...reading your post simply confirms to me how useless a parent I am....

Kumon?

...I had believed this to be a spice used in the preparation of Indian food, but Google tells me otherwise.

Sigh.

...will Google self-flagellation next.....

Thank you for your replies. RG2, thanks for making me laugh, but im so sure that you are a useless parent. I dont believe such a person exists.

I agree in parts with all the posts so far, but I guess that im just torn between whether doing more or less is what's best for my DD. Sigh!

Please dont get me wrong, my DD is what I would call an 'effervescent' child; bubbly and full of fun, happy and creative to boot. BUT, in spite of how I may be coming across, Im not obsessed with my DD being better than other children, I just dont want other children to progress, better/faster than my DD - particularly if I could have done something to assist her learning and development.

Oh yes, and the number of times I've yelled "Stop shouting!" and caught myself when its too late? I cant tell you.

Anyone else?

I once memorably cried to my then-partner that I was so upset that every time dd1 encountered a problem she dissolved into tears...oops, can't think where she gets that from then