what to do about ds who is upset about not getting to play at peoples houses

[crazedupmom]

My ds is 8 and an only as a result I do make an effort to arrange playdates for him.
These playdates are mainly from his old infant school as he has kept in touch with a few of them.
He does have a friend from his current school about twice a week and has had the very occasional other friend from his current school.
What has got me down at times is that its always me that instigates any contact with my ds and friends nobody has ever invited my ds any where with out me first asking them.
Although my ds has had occasional playdate invites they have usually only happened after I have asked someone first but alot of the time they are not recripocated sorry if I spelt that wrong, and its always me that keeps things going.
Sometimes I worry about been a nuisance arranging playdates for my ds even though the children are always happy to come and their parenst are happy to let them come.
Although it has got me down that people have never got in touch off their own back to invite my ds anywhere I have always figured that at least if I have friends at mine to play then at least my ds is getting peer company at mine which to be honest if it wasn,t for my efforts he would probably never see anyone.
Yesterday ds's mate came from school again and my ds got himself into a mood saying that he waas bored etc and I heard him saying to x that your mom is selfish as she never lets me come and play at yours which to be honest although he got invites at first they don,t seem to happen any more she is a single mom who has had some problems and most of the time is a little stressed.
I intervened and said that at least you get to play with x here.
When we took x home I usually stop and talk a little to x's mom but my ds obivously still in a strop just wanted to go home.
Once we got back home ds broke down into tears saying that nobody ever invites him to play and that everyone always comes to ours but he doesn,t get anywhere much.
I felt really bad about it but explained that people are busy and go to work and its nothing against him although to be honest I do think people can make more effort.
One of his old friends from infant school recently had a little birthday treat eating out at his favourite restaurant with a couple or so of friends and despite us having had this mate at our house several times and me even having spent money taking them out they didn,t think to ask ds and of course my ds picked up on this.
Now he says he doesn,t want the mate from school to come anymore and he doesn,t want anybody to come as they are always mean by not inviting him back.
I don,t really want to see my ds sitting here day after day without any peer contact.
I feel so bad that maybe its my fault as I am quite shy and think that maybe if I mixed more then my ds would get invited places.
I feel so awful I thought that at least I was doing right by having friedns here but maybe this has all run its course and ds is sick of having everyone here.
Just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation as I am dissappointed to discover that ds feels like this now.

sorry to hear about this. i I have been there too with one of mine. No matter how many times i invited others to tea, and they would come, the invites back were very sparse. We had a full year of no party invites when everyone else was going practically every week to one.

Ther is really not much you can do about it, unfortunately. I made sure mine had plenty of other stuff going on after school such as sport clubs etc and cubs and so on, so it filled his time.

We did end oup taking him out of school to home ed in the end, but that was due to other factors, not just the teas.

Poor DS though, not nice and I understand how you and he are feeling.

Your poor DS

How about enroling him in some after school activity where he gets to mix with peers his age? Then he will be busy, will be able to make new friends, and the issue of being invited to people's houses won't be such a great one.

How about Cubs?

Trying to think practically - do the other parents at school know you? Mine aren't at 8 yet, but certainly at 6 a lot of it seems to be whether they know the other parent.

I would suggest you ask the mother of the friend who's house he has been to. Just be straightforward and say 'my ds is a bit upset in general because of this, have you heard of anything I don't know about that could be a reason behind it?' That way you make it general rather than about her iyswim.

Re the infant school friend, I don't think it is particularly unusual that the boy would invite friends from his class rather than elsewhere, especially if he only invited a couple of people (though I totally see why your ds is upset about it).

But I do feel for you and your ds, I hope that things get better for him.

Completely agree about the clubs, great idea.

Its really got me down poopscoop and for party invites I have started to wonder why he has had just one in the 8 months he has been at his new school although I don,t know if any of his classmates have had one anyway.
I can,t help but feel that alot of this is my fault I didn,t know a soul at this new school when he started as 8 months on I only really know and talk to one or two
I feel really shameful about it.
He seems happy at school and from what he says he is playing with others.

I apologise in advance for suggesting this, but could there possibly be a reason parents are less than willing to have your son round?

Is he loud/boisterous/rude/aggresive/a bit ttoo free with what he says?socially unaware?

Sorry, am just thinking of all possiblities here, not saying your DS is like this.

Please don't blame yourself though. I am shy and hardly talk to any of the other parents, but this doesn't stop parents from inviting DS to theirs to play or accepting invites form me.

We have this at home too.

DD has lots of friends who invite her back, but DS has a number of friends who's mum's are single and work and so they do not invite back. I try to remind him that it is because their mums are busy, and advise him to invite other friends who might be able to ask him back. And we keep inviting the friends who can't invite back - at least they get to play togther at our house.

Ahh, your poor ds - miserable situations.

A few thoughts:
I think that you do have to 'give out' more playdates than you expect back - realistically, not everyone can easily invite kids back - once you factor in siblings, after school activities, working, family situations etc it genuinely is difficult for some mums. Sounds like your ds' mate may come from one of those families?And some mums are just a bit crap DS has had 5 playdate invitees over recently. Of which 3 were reciprocated. I tend to keep going with those that do reciprocate!

How about suggesting a neutral meeting point? "I'm taking ds to one day after school next week - would you and your ds like to join us?" Takes the pressure off in terms of hosting, and also allows you to do some bonding with the mums. My ds is only 5, but certainly at the moment, his playdates are driven by people I know rather than his mates per se (although it's getting that way)

I'd just keep plugging away - ask ds for a few different kids he gets on with and get some new playdate options set up. And maybe talk to him about the fact that not everyone is lucky enough to be able to host playdates. Perhaps you could also talk to him about what would make a hosted playdate more fun for him (eg ask his mates to bring some toys over...?)

How is your ds settling at his new school - is he happy with his friendship group at school?

ataraxis alot of them don,t know me as I don,t know them I have sort of got to know an handful of people who are aware of who I am.
I find it difficult the socialisation bit I have started to wonder about clubs more for ds at least they would keep him busy if nothing else. To be honest although my ds joined cubs a little while ago he grew bored of it.
What I have found is that clubs don,t really get him freinds as such but just people he sees a once a week.
I suppose what I would like is for me to come out of my shell and for ds to have some true regular freinds.
I get really envious of people who can make this sort of a life for thier dc's.

Sorry, xpost with lots of people

awww, don't blame yourself -school gates are bloody rubbish. I think everyone has the feeling that everyone else knows each other, when actually about 80% mums are feeling like lost lambs.

Could you just try saying one thing to someone new every day (I like your coat; have you seen a weather forecast for tomorrow; they're out late today aren't they? etc etc) I bet that lots of the mums are feeling exactly like you

I don,t know if its so much of a unwillingness to invite ds back but thinking that maybe its just people won,t commit as they don,t know what they have planned this week or next and are trying to sort out their busy schedule.
I have sort of become a bit paranoid at times about all of this thinking that maybe my ds isn,t really that popular, but I have been told before now that ds has behaved at other peoples houses on the odd occasions he has gone anywhere. I would hope that they would tell me if there was issues.

funnypeculiar is spot on re the school gates. I am definately a lost lamb there, but have recently started saying one line things to mums I've never taslked to before and guess what, the next day they usually say hi, or talk for a bit, so it really does work!

It's bloody scary though.

I agree with funny, if they don't know you, a neutral place that parents and boys could go is a good idea.

Are there any weekend activities that lots of the children from school attend? There is a village youth football team where we live which is run on a Saturday morning, pretty much all the boys from school go there so, as do their parents, so if there is something like that it is another way to meet the parents (although standing in the cold over the winter is not my idea of fun).

funny I have said to ds that maybe he needs to look at other children in his class who he likes and gets on with and then maybe we can ask them over but for some reason he doesn,t seem happy to do this, I have explained that maybe there is some nice mom there who won,t mind inviting him back more regular.
I think that for too long he has relied on this one regular twice a weeker mate and its run its course at our house anyway.
I really do think that he needs to start looking at others that he can invite and to be honest I feel it would help me in getting to know more people.
My dh thinks that if we stop this one boy for a while my ds will have no option but to be on his own after school then he will start wanting to ask others more.