Newborns - when you reach the end of your patience

[1757]

following on from a previous thread about the worst things you have said to your newborn, has anyone actually lashed out at their baby e.g. smacked or nearly shook them?

I have just finished reading Sheila Kitzinger's Understanding Your Crying Baby. There is a section titled Lashing Out where mums admit to hitting, pinching and roughly handling their babies. Kitzinger takes a sympathetic approach. These are mums at the end of thier tether and sleep deprived/depressed, not monsters.

I have a gorgeous three year old and a loving family. I am pregnant again and can't wait to have this baby. I have a lovely bond with my DS and unborn child and a loving DH who is a great father.

However I will always have the guilt of those early months with DS. He cried a lot, would not sleep during the day and I had anxiety/PND (although I didn't realise it at the time). I did lash out on a few occasions

I am nervous posting this as it seems to be such a taboo area. However some lovely mums I know have admitted they have felt violent towards their babies although very few will admit they have actually lashed out.

F

brave post.
I never lashed out but I did put my DS down a little too roughly in his cot one day when I just couldn't take the endless crying/ sleep deprivation etc anymore.
I felt soooooo bad and guilty but am reassured from speaking to others that I am not the only person in the world to have ever done this !

It is a taboo area. I never acted but I had some seriously scary thoughts.

I think TBH your PND would have had a big hand it all that. You didn't realise you had PND at the time, but if it rears its ugly head again you will be so much more aware of the early warning signs and you can get help way before you get back to those dark times.
x

i didn't lash out. but i wanted to shake ds2. and I did put him in his crib and then shake the crib and my god did I feel awful afterwards.

he was a horrendous baby. he cried ALL the time, and i mean ALL the time and just couldn't be comforted.
I had to ring dp to come home frm work because I was so scared i was going to hurt the baby

I was once walking up and down patting DS's bottom to try to settle him. I think one of the pats definatel turned into a smack.

I've never told anyone this. I feel too guilty.

Oh dear . I too was driven to extremes mentally by DD crying but thank God kept a lid on it and had DH ready to help out. What do you mean by lashing out? You mean smacking them?

I can't even remember what I did clearly as I have blocked it out. I never shook him but I do remember pulling his hair once and I smacked his bottom, although not hard and he was in reusable nappies which are very padded.

I am not proud of it. In fact despite the fact that life has moved on vastly since then and I don't smack him now, I am still racked with guilt. I am not crazy, or a monster or child beater though.

My DH did help, is a very loving father but he worked long hours. I was in the house for long periods without a car and a baby that cried for hours. I do not have a supportive family although my MIL was a saviour.

She admits she nearly came to the end of her tether when hers were babies. She now has 4 lovely grown up children to whom she is very close. I am not justifying it, just trying to understand it. Judging by posts I am in a minority and I feel quite down about it.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. i think more people than we realise have these sort of feelings, but most will be too scared to admit it on here (or even to admit it to themselves), hence the lack of replies. not saying that lots of people lash out at their babies, but i bet there's more than you'd think.

i for one definitley put my DS down on the bed more roughly than normal on a couple of occasions and think i would have been much more short tempered if my DH hadn't been so supportive.

as long as you are aware of the risks and watch out for signs of getting v irritable, and ask for help when you can, i'm sure you'll be alright.

Thanks silver28. I am in a different place now than I was then, approaching the birth of my second.

I did eventually get help after DS in the form of counselling and ADs. I faced up to some family issues, that I had kept buried for a long time.

I am positive it will be different this time. I am expecting there will still be times when I get to the end of my patience but the difference is that I have better coping mechanisms now and more support e.g.friends/MIL, so it won't go that step too far.

Thankfully my beautiful son was too young to remember those awful times. There were plenty of cuddles and loving moments as well and as I said he is a lovely, happy three year old.

I do think there should be more scope for mothers to be able to admit feeling like this and getting help.

I was very irritable with dd1, I remember screaming at her 'to shut the f*ck up' when she was about 10 days old. I frequently put her in her cot and walked off because I couldn't cope, and once/twice I probably wasn't very gentle.

It was completely different with dd2 and she was alot worse at sleeping. You now have experience in having a newborn and that is a lot of help in those first few weeks/months.

Also, if you do feel yourself feeling anxious/depressed do try to get help as there are people out there to help.

It gets so gruelling doesn't it. When I felt like I was going to snap I would put my dc in the cot leave the room and get in the shower and swear. The shower was the only place I couldn't hear any crying and I could calm down.

1757 I wish you all the best with this pregnancy .

Meglet - that is a great idea and I will keep that one in mind. The shower is a haven indeed!

I only have one child but i think i would agree with what Elk said - i imagine it's easier second time around because you know that the difficult stages pass pretty quickly. When i was going through those early stages it sometimes felt like it would never end, but looking back i now realise that it lasted such a short time (and then you move onto another, differently difficult stage!). I think/hope that going through it a second time it would be easier to keep perspective, although no doubt it does still get v frustrating.

I think this is the norm for mothers and newborns. If someone doesn't experience days like this, they are the exception. Newborns really put you through the wringer.