Practical advice on handling angry outbursts - mine and DS's. Feeling very guilty.

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DS's dad and I are separated, so DS (nearly 5) and I live on our own. Most of the time, we muddle along fine. However, sometimes - when both our tempers flare up - it can go horribly wrong.

I have had a lot on my mind lately, WRT to mine and DS's dad's separation and financial worries. So I'm not on best form.

This afternoon, DS became frustrated with a Lego model he couldn't repair. In temper, he broke it up into bits then asked me to rebuild it. I said not straight away, because he'd just made it into a much bigger job; it isn't fair to demolish something then expect someone else to painstakingly rebuild it on demand. He lost it - chucked (big, hard) toys around the room. I gave him a chance to stop, which didn't work, so tried to restrain him - which made him more angry. He then punched me in the stomach, and my blood boiled. In anger, I squeezed his arms a little too tightly, which made him cry. He got angrier and angrier, wouldn't stop lunging at me or reaching for things in the house to chuck, so I continued to try to restrain him, and in the process accidentially gave him a carpet burn. Cue more crying and, "Mummy! You hurt me!" Eventually, things calmed down, though no thanks to my efforts.

We talked a lot afterwards about what happened - calmly. I explained I had a lot on my mind, and was sorry about the hurt I had caused. I asked if anything was bothering DS and he said no. He did say, though, that he thinks I take good care of him most of the time, but doesn't trust me to be kind when I'm angry and my voice is scary.

I feel so guilty now. This is a difficult time for me/us. I'm doing my best, but I scare myself with how angry I can become, too. I'm not doing good enough, and I feel so sad that, when we are in the throes of these outbursts, he ends up (only slightly) hurt and the trust between us gets damaged.

It is not on for him to chuck stuff around the house, nor to lash out at me. But it wasn't OK how I handled things today, either. This doesn't happen daily; not even weekly. But it has happened before, and I don't want it to happen again. Help us move away from this tendency, please, so we can both trust that our tempers aren't going to get the better of us.

Tips on handling young children's (and grown-ups' related) anger this way, please. Thanks.

My DS is 7 and has a very bad temper. He doesn't throw things around but when he was younger (about 3) he used to lash out at me. I was advised by a Child Psychologist to restrain him to prevent him from hitting me.

I find that the best way to deal with him is remove things he likes. For instance, if he starts shouting at me (regulary occurance!), I tell him that if he doesn't stop, he won't be able to play the Xbox. If it continues, he won't be able to play it tomorrow either.

Or, my other option is to send him to his bedroom. We did use a naughty step for a while but he continued to shout from there so we now use the room for a set period of time. But the timer will only start from when he stops shouting. The quicker he calms down, the quicker things can go back to normal.

Hi I have a 7 year old son who when he gets angry starts to shake a little, he tenses up and looks at me like he is going to spin his head around! I am quite quick to shout and I really have started to see that when I shout at him louder he gets more stressed and the whole thing gets blown out of proportion and I lose it and send him to his room, where he cries and I am sitting downstairs waiting for someone to hand me the worst mother award any minute (not helped by partner who seems to think he is god at this point)

I can't advise but I can sympathise...I try to stay calmer now and talk to him quieter, but of course firmer, and when he starts to answer back I remind him I am still talking...we go through that routine alot

He still gets sent to his bedroom and his favourite things are removed...though explaining why you are doing things and how they have to see what they did wrong in the first place is the key (I think)

Remember we are only human...and so are they!! And although I can preach it we are the ones they learn from, and children need boundries so they feel safe, knowing their boundries helps them work on their personalities too, which in turn helps their behaviour. which hopefully equals to some peace and queit everynow and then!!

Good luck all you stressed mummys x

Forgot to say don't worry too much about the feeling guilty part! you sound like a great mum, I was on my own for quite a while and it is bllody tough girl!! If you didn't feel guilty then you should be worried! Don't beat yourself up. Your sons love is there forever x

Thanks for posts. Yes, DS does have a bit of a temper (as do I), and so when we're bimbling along fine, it's a bit derailing for him/both of us to quickly end up in such a state.

Appreciate the understanding WRT being a lone parent - my brain space does feel taken up with concerns relating to our circumstances, which doesn't leave a lot of energy or patience for DS. Hopefully this will improve with time, though.

I liked what you said, Bump02, about it being a good thing that I actually feel guilty. I felt better reading that! It would be a worry if I felt no remorse after losing it. And I do apologise to DS if I overstep the mark. I think I do a pretty good job most of the time.

Thanks again.