How do I deal with this tricky situation ?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my Daughter has a friend from nursery who's just moved in 4 doors down from us.
She is the same age as my daughter and they are both only children. This little girl is very bossy and precosious, where as my daughter won't tell her friends what to do, but won't accept being bossed either.
She never seems comfortable when we go to their house. She just wants to sit with me, which I'm fine with. She is also terrified of cats and they have a cat.
When she sits with me, her friend whines and says "Play with me". Her Mum says to Lucy "You've come hear to play, you can't come again if you won't play".
It makes me feel really uncomfortable. My daughter is quietly stubborn and is more likely to play in her own time than being told she has to.
The little girls Mum, has asked us down again. I'm going to say "come up to ours". I know my daughter would be more relaxed then, and could play or not play as she wishes.
I can't keep saying that though.
It's really awkward when the Mum says "come down for a coffee" and It ends up being quite uncomfortable and embarassing. I feel as if we are both being judged some times.
What should I do?

Tell her that your daughter got all wheezy last time you went down there and you think it may be something to do with the cat so do they mind just coming to you in future.

Good idea. Unless she says "I'll poot the cat out when I know you're comming".

The girls are both 4 by the way.

No - putting out the cat would make no difference if your dd was really allergic, so it would be fine to say she can't go in the house. (It is the hairs in the house that cause the allergy as well as the presence of the cat ).

Thanks 3littlefrogs. Can you tell, we don't have any pets.

That would be a great excuse.

Well, she's already told your dd she 's not allowed to come if she won't go and play, so problem solved. Would your dd feel more comfortable if they came to your house do you think?

Actually - I don't think what she said to your dd was very kind or understanding. They are only 4 after all.

Some parents seem to have absolutely no idea about how to relate to small children - their own or anyone else's.

That sounds really mean. Your DD is only welcome if she plays? I hate it when people treat children as if they aren't 'real' people.

I would be tempted to say, 'DD doesn't want to play so we're not coming'.

I thought it was a bit mean too. She has a severe speech disorder and some other developmental issues which we'll be seing the consultant about soon and the Mum knows about this.

Im not surprised that you feel uncomfortable with the situation. Why does the other mum think that its acceptable to coerce your daughter into playing like that?
I would just avoid going there. You and your daughter both feel uncomfortable there.
The cat allergy excuse sounds good if you want to be tactful.

rightly or wrongly, she probably thought she was helping your daughter and trying to encourage her to play. Not a tactic i agree as that would make my daughter stick to me even closer.

Use cat allergy as an excuse to get other little girl on to your daughter's teritory.

Yep, steer clear. If the girls want to become friends later on they can, but it does't sound helpful to either of you atm.

ugh this is one of those awkward situations where its become an obligation. i would probably avoid it/make excuses and not go again. Try to do coffee once in a while at yours to keep them vaguely happy. But I am awful at confrontation...

Also agree that it is a shit thing she said to your dd... Is it not obvious to her that she was uncomfortable?

I think DD is trying to avoid being bossed by this other girl, and sticking close to you when at her house is her way of showing it. I well remember going to other childrens' homes and being expected to play with them because our mothers were friends. Sometimes it was really dire because us children didn't have anything in common and wouldn't have chosen each other as friends anyway.

Find any excuse you can to avoid going again, even if you blame the cat allergy.

Thanks, the strange thing is, my daughter looks forward to going to see her friend and gets excited. When she's there though, she just wants to sit with me. She will eventually play though.

I wonder where the daughter got her bossiness from?

I was like your DD as a child and I think my DD will be like this as well. Not ready to dash off as soon as I got anywhere but after a while I had 'acclimatised'. Comments like this woman made to your DD would have made me feel self conscious and 'told off' and even less likely to feel comfortable enough to join in.

I this little girl is quite 'forward' she may be intimidating your dd. You mentioned she has a severe speech and language delay and in my own personal experience (ds dx adhd aged 6) some kids clamp up if they feel unable to interact or communicate with their peers. Just a thought. Meanwhile, I would definitely ask them to yours using the cat allergy excuse - that way you can control more of what goes on and your dd may feel more secure and confident.

And if the mum mentions not coming back if she doesn't play, I would cut her short and ask that she doesn't say that to your dd as it upsets her and you.

Yes you're probubly right, last time the girl came to play at our house, Lucy ran up to me with a ribbon and said "Yoot mummy wi-pon". The little girl said to her, "no Lucy "ribbon", "ri-bbon". My daughter said "I know, wi-pon". The little girl took a deep breath, so I said quickly, "Who'd like some pink milk?". That distracted her.
I mentioned it to the girls Mum, and she said "it's good that her daughter corrects her, as she'll be more likely to learn from otherchildren".
I know I'd be a bit disappointed if my daughter was turning in to a bossy, know it all. Her Mum seems to encourage it in her though.

I hated it when other children corrected by son's speech- I could see him retreat into himself. Your dd is not stupid and could be feeling a little humiliated by it. Although, I don't have any advise about how to stop it ... except ask the other little girl not to correct her. Alternatively, you could deck her one on the nose .... joke obviously Blimey, lost count of the number of times I wanted to do that ... LOL

It is possible for children to have friends or want to spend time with other children who aren't very nice to them or make them feel stupid or awkward. I think it probably has something to do with peer pressure and wanting to be like your friends etc rather than thinking of a friendship as something that should be mutually beneficial.

If it was just your DD's friend I would think, OK just mention something gently to try and discourage those kind of comments, but the Mum encouraging or at least endorsing this behaviour is worrying to me and I would be tempted to let the friendship fizzle out.

I am very for your DD - she sounds like a sweetie.

Thank you. She is a sweetie.

The next time she tells your daughter she cant come again if she doesnt play I would just say ok and walk out. The other Mum is being very rude and bossy just like her daughter and neither of you need that to be honest