Can you turn a playdate down without causing massive offence?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Brief history - DS moves school during reception year, struggles a bit to settle in. Is invited for playdate by X. I have already heard the schoolgates gossip on X ("naughtiest boy in class", family problems, etc) but was of opinion then that DC make their own friends and you should give other people's DC a chance and not prejudge little children, etc. So DS went to X's house a number of times and I invited X back each time.

It was a nightmare, and I'm used to having little boys round and them being boisterous and maybe a bit naughty and I'm sure DS is no angel at other people's houses but this was off the scale. X was very volatile, could be nice as pie but could just be uncontrollable. Worst of all he was really mean to my younger DD and he and DS did some horrible things to her that were his idea because DS has never done anything like that before or since (stripping her off naked and laughing at her, locking her in dark room when she can't reach light ).

Also X's mother scarily persistent once playdates started i.e. texting me to arrange a second playdate before the first playdate had happened and very slow to take hint that I wasn't happy with situation e.g. I was shaking with anger when I took X home after the worst incident and said there had been problems between him and DD, but next week she was cheerily inviting DS round again. Finally I literally ran off once she was trying to fix up a date (DD desperate for wee) and never got back to her, then avoided her for months and she finally got the hint .

This was all in reception/y 1. DS and X now in different classes in year 2 and DS never mentions X or playing with him and X has a definate best friend in his own class. DS invited X to his birthday and vice versa but both parties were "all the year 2 boys".

X's mother has just cornered me outside school and asked me if DS would like to come for tea. I said I'd have to get back to her but am thinking I can't face having X round terrorising DD and wreaking havoc and having X's mother texting me all the time. I was thinking I could say that DS and X don't seem to be getting on that well at moment and I don't want to lumber her with a couple of fighting boys but I don't know if that will work. I could just be honest and say I can't cope with her DS but I know how devastating I would feel if someone said that to me about DS.

Anyone else been in similar situation or do you just cope valiantly with whoever your DC bring home?

I have to say, if a child had done that to my dd, they would never come to my house again. I would tell their mother that it would be best to give play dates a rest for a while as dd was so upset by the experience. I would not lay the blame at her son's feet - just tell her in simple terms what happened and that the 2 of them together are more than your dd can handle.

I would not "cope valiantly" with that kind of treatment of my daughter.

We have one boy who comes to play who's like this. He struggles at school - as far as I can tell he's in constant trouble for bad behaviour, got the most red cards in school, etc. My dds sometimes like him, sometimes don't, but I know his mother quite well and I know she's struggling with his behaviour, and he has trouble making friends. So we do grin and bear it, really, we make sure one of us is there supervising when he comes round, whereast normally I'd leave 8yos to play without watching every move. He does behave very unpredictably, sometimes violently, but as long as my dds don't actively say they don't want him round we go along with it cos his mother is quite desperate for him to socialise and make friends, and my dds seem to tolerate him reasonably, most of the time.

Would agree that I tolerate a lot of "boisterous behaviour" from ds and his friends, but I would not tolerate them victimising younger dd (I know she makes a tempting target).

How long ago was his worst behaviour to your daughter?

If DS doesn't want to go, then that's easy. Just say what you suggested. But if he does, why not suggest meeting for a picnic instead. Her son might have changed for the better and that way you can re-assess.

The worst behavour towards DD was quite a while ago now, maybe a year or more. But I still feel that I just don't want him in my home around DD again (there was some kind of incident against her on each playdate). Also I know from past experience that X's mother is so persistent that if DS goes for one playdate it will open the floodgates to constant weekly invitations and the expectation for me to reciprocate.

The problem is that gentle brush offs or hints don't really work with X's mother and it is really hard to look someone in the eye and say "I don't want your child in my house", especially when you know that person is a struggling lone parent.

I agree with smee. Kids do change. Why not agree to a short, outdoors (ie. not at your house^ social and see how it goes?

Here is what I would have done, and this is just my personal choice. Upon delivering X back to his mum, I would have said, "I'm really sorry to say this but I can't have my DS play with him any more. Together they did some horrible things to DD and I simply can't risk the psychological damage to her".

That would be it. Easier to let her know the truth and give a valid reason. The truth is that locking someone in a closet and scaring the heck out of her is cruel and could cause her to have long-lasting fears of the dark, clostrophobia, etc. So just tell the truth and be done with that playdate scenario.

Talkingtotoddlers, I so wish I had done that.

Smee and MrsMattie I help at the local Beavers group both DS and X go to and so I do have up to date info on how X behaves, which is still on the on the "OMG, not in my house again", scale. I'm worried that suggesting a picnic, etc type of gettogether would open the floodgates to X's very persistant mother trying to get X and DS together all the time as this was my previous experience.

It would be interesting to watch this mum with her son and see how she 'copes' with him. Is she getting any sort of help with his behaviour, support from the school, could he have any undiagnosed food intolerances, or ADHD? I remember my friend at the end of her tether with her eldest DS until she worked out that chocolate, oranges and related products, and monosodium glutamate were all responsible for sending him hyperactive, with disobedience, destructiveness and total inability to concentrate. She may be the sort of mum who just doesn't confront her sons behaviour because it's easier to pretend it isn't happening.

I think the suggestion of an outdoor picnic is a good idea, neutral territory, and you can assess the behaviour. Keep DD close to you, and the boys in sight. Get the mum to come too. You could open a conversation talking generally about discipline, and ask her what works for her. She might be desperate to talk to someone about it and not know how to go about changing things.

If you don't feel that things have gone well, or DS isn't keen to repeat the playdate, just be polite and explain that the boys don't get on/have nothing in common etc. Kids friends change all the time, it's not unusual. There again, you might be surprised at the difference a couple of years makes.

Ach she sounds like a potential nightmare. Just breezily say that would be lovely, but he's more friendly with other kids in his class right now. That you can't fit all of those playdates in as it is and have been trying to cut back as he does too much anyway. If you couch it in terms of 'you know how it is', she won't be offended but she should back off, as you're still saying no.

Given the extra info you just posted, are the staff at Beavers concerned by this childs bad behaviour, and have they spoken to the mum about it? You have seen the behaviour at home and Beavers, and it's just as bad as ever, so I'd be firm about refusing any playdates on that basis. Tell her no playdates until X learns to behave properly.

Just say no- don"t explain, don"t apologise

Just keep making excuses. There are some houses I would not let my kids go to. Not out of snobbery but out of concern for their safety, two different things. I also get annoyed when mithered all the time. I prefer occasional playdates not every bloody week!!!

I'd go with what smee says. Say that between your dd and ds it's hard to fit it all in and you aren't doing more playdates for now.