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Parenting

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Original poster

Feel a complete failure; where to next

11 replies

farfalle · 10/05/2009 15:58

I have ds (6 1/2) and dd (3 1/2). Over the last few months, ds's behaviour at home has taken a rapid down turn - speaking back, arguing just for the sake of it, total non compliance of anything we, in particular me, ask of him. Obviously, this is now rubbing off on his sister. This afternoon,they asked if they could go to a neighbours house to play. I explained no as it's neighbour's birthday party but dd took off on her own regardless and I didn't find out until she returned where she'd been. Asides from all the obvious safety issues, I'm tearing my hair out as I'm at a complete loss as to what to do with both of them and am now questioning my parenting skills and asking what I'm doing wrong. DH works long hours and oncall and as a result isn't round much to see full effect of their behaviour which doesn't help my self confidence/esteem any. Advice much needed please as I feel like walking out and not coming back...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bigchris · 10/05/2009 15:59

at 3 and a half I'd keep the doors locked so she couldn't wander off to other people's houses

Original poster

farfalle · 10/05/2009 16:00

Door is now locked with chain on.

OP posts:

bigchris · 10/05/2009 16:04

phew! would your ds take to this idea?
an empty jar and for every good/helpful thing he does you put 2 marbles in the jar, and for every bad/unhelpful thing you take 2 out, and if the jar gets full of marbles he gets a toy he really wants?
bribery can work wonders!

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minxthemanx · 10/05/2009 16:06

MASSIVE sympathies - i feel exactly the same. Even told DS1 yesterday that I feel like going off on my own for a while! DS1 is 7.5, v argumentative, bright, challenging and NEVER does as he's told - you have to say it 5 times. I end up screaming at him. V well behaved at school and other people's houses, but I feel he runs circles round me. Luckily DS2 is much more easy going, but it gets to the point where I can't wait for Monday so that he'll be back at school and I'll have a break from the arguing/defiance. DH also works stupid hours (illegal, actually, 7 days a week at the moment, today 7am-7pm but that's private schools for you!) so I am on my own a lot with the kids. You are not alone, and you definitely aren't a bad parent, just having to do a difficult job on your own. Can you treat yourself a bit when they're at school? Swim/coffee/chill? You deserve it.

minxthemanx · 10/05/2009 16:09

Crossed posts there with bigChris - funnily enough, i had thought of the marble idea for good/bad behaviour, too. Haven't done it yet as I feel he should chuffin well behave properly behave without being bribed, by hey ho!

bigchris · 10/05/2009 16:10

lol minx, that's how I feel about my 5 yr old

I often say to him 'you don't do that at school so don't do it at home', lol

minxthemanx · 10/05/2009 16:19

Sorry for typos, typing too fast. Does your DS have something favourite like a DS/Wii? I've recently started saying that he loses his DS for a day EVERY time he ignores me/doesn't do as he's told - we're up to Thursday at the moment!

ahundredtimes · 10/05/2009 16:26

You need to stop saying 'No' all the time. It's become a challenge. she asks, you say 'no', she does it anyway - and seemingly you don't even realize and let her wander off. When she says 'can I go to neighbours house?' you say, 'you want to play with Nancy? I know that they have lots of people there this afternoon, and they don't want any visitors. Let's do this instead, and we'll call nancy tonight and fix a different date when they can have visitors.'

YOU my friend need How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk.

New strategies, new ways to enforce discipline and co-operation, new script for you = better behaved children.

Go to Amazon. NOW.

Don't despair. You aren't a failure, we all of us deal with this sort of stuff everyday and it's very wearing.

I'm sure some people have lovely biddable children - I don't either. So get smart, get ahead, get the book.

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 16:29

minxthemanx - I am the same. The kids should behave because I ask them too or really want to make mummy happy but that isn't how they see it.

My 8 year old is getting cheekier by the day and I have had enough but also know I am dealing with it all wrong.

ahundredtimes · 10/05/2009 16:31

You need the book too

duckyfuzz · 10/05/2009 16:47

100 is quite right, get the book! And try and see things from their pov as they aren't as logical or rational as we'd like to think and only really think in the here and now, not the long term

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